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Original poster

BiL explicit texts - WWYD

509 replies

Calmondeck · 20/11/2024 13:15

I’m having a ‘did that just happen’ moment… have not disclosed this to my DP yet

Received a text from BiL asking for a chat. This is extremely unprecedented, we send the rare occasional birthday text or family photo.

I called worried something was wrong (DP is overseas on a work trip). BiL didn’t accept the call and asked if we could text instead.

He rapidly disclosed a hidden obsession with male on male oral sex and suddenly started sending me explicit images of random men, complete with commentary about what he’d do with them. His texting went on for 1.5 hrs.

I woke up today vaguely wondering whether it was a scam, but feeling certain it wasn’t.

This morning I got a perfunctory “I appreciate the safe space last night. Kindly clear the chat. No need to raise this with DP or (his wife’s name)”.

My mind is spinning. Any advice?

OP posts:
Thelnebriati · 25/11/2024 21:08

Dibbydoos · 25/11/2024 20:56

I would call him and just check in that it was him before I'd do anything else.

Assuming it was him, downloading this on you is odd. But he obvs needed someone he feels safe with and that is you for the minute at least.

Why does your DP need to know anything? Its not for you to share his secret is it? I would delete everything. I'd probably ask him not to send images and explicit info to me again, but tell him that you will not talk to anyone as per his request.

I feel for your SIL though...

BIL has committed a crime, OP is the victim of a sex crime. Its not a secret that needs to be kept.

YourLivelyPeachLemur · 25/11/2024 21:10

Isthisit22 · 25/11/2024 18:52

You need to find your anger. He sent you unsolicited porn- this is an offense. Your DH needs to tell him how wrong this is. I hope one of you reports him to the police before he sends pics to more women.
Also, work on your boundaries / people pleasing- how did you not shut this down after the picture?

This. I’m sorry but what the fuck.

Your BIL is a very nasty piece of work and very manipulative OP. But YOU also need to do better.

YourLivelyPeachLemur · 25/11/2024 21:10

I genuinely cannot believe what I’m reading.

Hurrythefkup · 25/11/2024 21:16

Was he high? Maybe he needs help. I wouldn’t be so quick to turn him in. It needs exploring. Safely.

BlueFlowers5 · 25/11/2024 21:16

You may have been hacked OP. Show to DH but don't send on iffy photos.
Change your passwords.

DanceMoveGrooveAndShoutIt · 25/11/2024 21:22

All this "advice" from posters who only read one of OP's posts and can't even be arsed to read any updates from her. Absolutely mind-boggling.

What's happening on here recently? Do people not understand how to use an online forum?

Itiswhatitis92 · 25/11/2024 21:24

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn by MNHQ

Newsenmum · 25/11/2024 21:26

Oh god, manic episode? He doesn’t sound well op.

Newsenmum · 25/11/2024 21:29

I’ve read all your posts op it’s horrendous. Has he ever been like this before? He doesn’t sound in right mind if he’s suddenly disclosing to all these people like that.

Alibababandthe40sheets · 25/11/2024 21:33

DanceMoveGrooveAndShoutIt · 25/11/2024 21:22

All this "advice" from posters who only read one of OP's posts and can't even be arsed to read any updates from her. Absolutely mind-boggling.

What's happening on here recently? Do people not understand how to use an online forum?

It could not be easier to read only the OPs posts either.

Zoomo · 25/11/2024 21:47

Soitis83 · 20/11/2024 13:56

The fact he didn't answer and did it all by text, I'm wondering if it was really him.

Yes this

Zoomo · 25/11/2024 21:55

Oops didn't read it all, clearly he's doing it for kicks.

AnnieSnap · 25/11/2024 22:03

NeedSomeHeadspace · 25/11/2024 18:21

I would reluctantly want to see him face-to-face to get confirmation that it was him, and establish he hadn’t been hacked! Too bizarre. Why would he think he can trust you with such a thing? Maybe if it really was him he wants to be outed!

You and others need to RTFT!

IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 25/11/2024 22:03

Dibbydoos · 25/11/2024 20:56

I would call him and just check in that it was him before I'd do anything else.

Assuming it was him, downloading this on you is odd. But he obvs needed someone he feels safe with and that is you for the minute at least.

Why does your DP need to know anything? Its not for you to share his secret is it? I would delete everything. I'd probably ask him not to send images and explicit info to me again, but tell him that you will not talk to anyone as per his request.

I feel for your SIL though...

That is one of the most useless and verging on dangerous advice I've seen in a long time.

Its not for you to share his secret is it?

Really? The OP is a victim of a sex crime but hey, let's just keep it our little secret.

borntoblossom · 25/11/2024 22:08

ResultsMayVary · 25/11/2024 19:05

I experienced this kind of conversation years ago when I was a crisis call counsellor ( I was much younger and much more naive)

The caller built up an idea that somehow I was different and they felt safe to talk to me before going way over the line into sexual talk but weaving enough other stuff that I felt I should still listen. Looking back I can see they were just using me as a way to get off.

It is still a bit gobsmacking that BIL chose you and other women close to him / his wife and expected you to actually keep it confidential. I suspect his wife isn't aware and he's just saying that do no-one approaches her.

What a revolting entitled man. I'm sorry he exposed you to all that and that he's now blaming you for his own actions. You are not to blame for any of it and I imagine you were in a state of shock struggling to process it. What he did was a form of sexual assault.

Yeah I had this scenario in my early 20s many times, when I was a Samaritans volunteer. Took me a while to figure out they were all getting off on telling me all about their sexual problems. Loved to manipulate you into listening to their fantasies. Ugh.

They would also make up the most depraved stuff, like CSA and torture that was happening in their house at that moment supposedly. This was 20 years ago, wonder if they still have such a massive issue with sex callers. They even used to have 'Brenda' volunteers who would take all the sex calls (before my time thankfully). Grim.

yeahwhatev · 25/11/2024 22:12

I would see this as a cry for help. But also somewhat manipulative if he knew your husband was away and you're on your own. Definitely tell your husband, but I would also approach with care/caution in the first instance as sounds like he could be having some kind of mental health crisis.

Ochrer · 25/11/2024 22:13

100% he doesn’t think you’re his safe space, he’s getting off on violating your safe space by making you an unwilling voyeur.

Barrenfieldoffucks · 25/11/2024 22:14

Calmondeck · 24/11/2024 12:20

In a sad turn of events - I learned that BiL not only contacted me but his wife’s sister and wife’s best friend. Not in the explicit detail he went into with me, but almost canvassing whether he’d get sympathetic reactions to his “kink” (as he’s worded it).

BiL is now saying (to my partner) that I’ve been deceptive speaking to my DH and his wife. And what was supposed to be a safe space, I’ve abused.

As some predicted, of course it’s come round to me being the issue, not his behaviour.

He’s sending happy family photos to my DH about their lovely Sunday, saying “no one can break the bond me and my wife share”.

I wish I could rescue his wife but I guess it’s time to accept it’s non of my business now what she accepts going forward

You can't take someone as your "safe space" without their agreement!

Vixibell · 25/11/2024 22:29

You should definitely say something.
One of my friends partners did something similar and when it all come out it turned out he had been sending all her friends messages. Nobody had said anything because they all thought it was just them who he was sending the messages to and they didn't want to be the cause of upset. My poor friend was a broken woman when she found out, she thought everyone hated her and were laughing behind her back.
Please don't let anyone get away with weird messages. If they really had hang ups about sexual things then why didn't they seek help anonymously online Or talk to his poor wife?

littlejo67 · 25/11/2024 22:35

Maybe he had a little too much to drink. I would tell him not to ever do it again or you won't keep it private again. Sounds like he is bi-sexual. I wouldn't tell my husband or his wife as it would be traumatic for them and could have repercussions.

ForeverDelayedEpiphany · 25/11/2024 22:43

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn by MNHQ

Pardon? Have you posted on the wrong thread? 😖😳

DanceMoveGrooveAndShoutIt · 25/11/2024 22:49

littlejo67 · 25/11/2024 22:35

Maybe he had a little too much to drink. I would tell him not to ever do it again or you won't keep it private again. Sounds like he is bi-sexual. I wouldn't tell my husband or his wife as it would be traumatic for them and could have repercussions.

She hasn't kept it private - you're not making sense.

JoBoJoBo · 25/11/2024 22:52

IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 25/11/2024 22:03

That is one of the most useless and verging on dangerous advice I've seen in a long time.

Its not for you to share his secret is it?

Really? The OP is a victim of a sex crime but hey, let's just keep it our little secret.

Show quote history

Agree he is a sexual pervert sending pornographic texts .If he is sending these to his sister in law I would report him to police and not let him near op children !

NoisyDenimShaker · 25/11/2024 22:57

I second the posters who say you need to talk to him to verify if it really was him.

If so, it was a form of sexual harassment.

You absolutely must not even think of keeping this from your DP. In not too short a time, he will send other things, maybe including you, and he can make out that you and he are up to stuff together. There was NO REASON IN THE ENTIRE WORLD to start this chat with you instead of with another gay man. WTAF? Does he hate BIL and wants to take you from him? Does he have a secret crush on you and this is a way of easing you in, by making it seem harmless bc it's with gay men, for the moment? Or did he just want to sexually harass you? You absolutely must tell your DP. Otherwise, BIL can make out that you're somehow complicit in having sexy conversations with him.

Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 25/11/2024 23:07

Someone has had his phone. There’s no way he’d risk so much surely.

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