BiL explicit texts - WWYD

[Calmondeck]

I’m having a ‘did that just happen’ moment… have not disclosed this to my DP yet

Received a text from BiL asking for a chat. This is extremely unprecedented, we send the rare occasional birthday text or family photo.

I called worried something was wrong (DP is overseas on a work trip). BiL didn’t accept the call and asked if we could text instead.

He rapidly disclosed a hidden obsession with male on male oral sex and suddenly started sending me explicit images of random men, complete with commentary about what he’d do with them. His texting went on for 1.5 hrs.

I woke up today vaguely wondering whether it was a scam, but feeling certain it wasn’t.

This morning I got a perfunctory “I appreciate the safe space last night. Kindly clear the chat. No need to raise this with DP or (his wife’s name)”.

My mind is spinning. Any advice?

This is not a secret that he should be asking you to keep.
Loads of strangers on the internet he could have easily found a safe space for him to share this information.

I would tell my husband and decide what to do next together.

She has told her husband.

Thank you for the update, Calmondeck.

I think you have done all you can up to now, short of going to the police. I feel, if you don't want to do that, you must tell somebody who knows about these things. Some sort of abuse helpline. Then at least it is officially registered somewhere which may be important if he does it again.

He has already done it to people other than you which has been admitted and I can foresee repeats; someone will eventually go to the law and if it comes out that you were targeted, you will have evidence that you did something.

I can imagine your husband is in a state about it, it is his brother after all and you are his wife. I bet he wishes it would all go away but I'm sure everyone feels like that. You can support each other, and your sister in law, the mother of this man's children, who just doesn't know what to make of it, poor girl.

Other than that, life goes on, Calmondeck, and you must not let this atrocious business spoil things for you. Try and do something nice as a family this week if you can, to take your mind off it.

This is very well put.

You are correct his wife is about 10% there in terms of accepting her reality and that could even slip backwards due to your BILs manipulations. Your DH is probably only about 60% there and he definitely could slip back too under BIL’s influence but also just on how he wants to view his own brother vs what his brother is actually really like. BIL has shown up a part of him that is pretty dark. He either faces up to and deals with that part of himself or he doesn’t nothing you can do about that. It is an internal journey for your BIL.

Just read the OP posts/replies. It brings you up to date. Just look on the left side of any one of their posts and click on ‘see all’!

I have to say OP I am impressed by the way you are handling this. Your user name is apt. You are staying calm and controlled in the face of a truly horrible experience. You BIL is so manipulative and really messing with your head. It must make you question so much about him and the relationships within your extended family.
You’ve told the two people who know BIL best -your DH and your SIL. You’ve taken a lot of the power out of BIL’s control. By talking frankly to your SIL about your fears that this is more than just an identity crisis (spoiler alert -it is) and talking about your concerns around manipulation and control, you’ve opened the conversation and your SIL telling BIL your fears is a good thing.
You may be the one person in all of this who can see what is really going on. He knows now you can’t be manipulated. Hence his anger. There is lots of great Mumsnet advice for you on this.
My concern is that this is BIL retrospectively trying to give himself an alibi for something worse. I hope I’m wrong but he is on the porn sites, he will be on the forums, he may very well have acted out his fantasies. Whether it is an STD, the involvement of someone underage, illegal photos, or blackmail, he may have contacted you, his wife’s sister and his wife’s best friend because he knows this is about to explode publicly and he wants to get his defence in first. So it will be poor BIL, he’s so confused, he’s having a crisis etc etc rather than BIL being exposed as a criminal, pervert or worse. Your level-headed approach has made it harder for him to avoid the truth.
I hope you can put this behind you and aren’t too affected by it. His behaviour towards you has been monstrous.

This is possibly the best response I have ever seen, on any topic, thread, or website. A perfectly all-encompassing explanation as to why this was wholly inappropriate of the BIL.

Agree 👏

@Calmondeck

DP is back from overseas and is a mixture of disgusted, furious, etc. I don’t think he fully understands how much this has rattled me, because he’s so rattled himself and asking my advice on how he should proceed.

I'd tell him that at this point he needs to tell his brother that he needs help because what he's doing is a crime. And that until he gets that help and is able to admit that calling/texting women and forcing his sexual 'needs' on them is wrong and sick, he (your DH) does not want to speak to him.

It is especially concerning that BiL said that he is 'worried he's going to act'. If this is true, then he poses a danger to others, either male or female. I'm not sure exactly what 'act' means to him, but recently in the US a 'respected professional' man has been arrested for drugging and sexually assaulting several young men.

As far as his wife, if she's a SAHM, she's between a rock and a hard place and probably in deep denial. I'd tell her that if she needs help leaving him, you're there for her but if she chooses to stay, she'll need to deal with that choice.

I certainly don't feel sorry for their Bil , just know a way for his family to direct him elsewhere to escape his nonsense but hey , advice is advice , either use it or not .

Let it FLY - forget about it, well put it to the back of UR mind
Save the texts - do NOT delete - put them in a folder SAFE
U have HIM worried now - what will she do ???
Just carry ON regardless

U HAVE the power - U CAN at ANY time bring it up & SHAME him WHEN / IF needed on DEMAND

What on earth?

<WHOOSH >

Over UR head

@miss79guided over my head too. Are you just shouting random words in your post or is it some kind of code?

Where does he get off though deciding on your behalf that you are his safe space to offload his confusion over the fact he just likes cock and can’t be honest about it dressed up as a kink?

Thanks for the update @Calmondeck I'm glad your dp is back now, and that all 3 of the women he did this to told his wife.

I agree with others - fantastic post from @User8563029648123578. I'd be tempted to print it out and give it to your dp - might help him get up to speed!

I know you have had so so many replies that you may not see this one, or it may well have been covered.

but reading this & all of your updates, a quite traumatic thing that happened to me came
to mind.

My uncle - for want of a better phrase - trapped me in his car when I was a teenager and told me he must confess that he is “the biggest gay bastard that ever lived”. I stayed quite calm, asked him if this was him
coming out to me, it’s ok if it is but I told him he was scaring me and to take me home.
All he said was ‘I just had to tell you that’.
After dropping me home, he then proceeded to walk round to every neighbours house to knock on the door and tell them the same thing.

He was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia and had suffered a complete breakdown. Voices in his head were making him do these things.

As overstepping and disgusting your BIL has been, I really think he may be having some mental problems that he needs help with.
I always believed deep down my uncle developed mental issues from a huge identity crisis not feeling safe enough to be homosexual.

sorry this happened to you!
I also feel sorry for his wife who must been quite embarrassed.

sending you all lots of support xx

@CherryCake88 I do agree a psychotic episode rather than purely abusive narcissism would warrent more sympathy, if completely out of character and accompanied by a genuine apology when/if well. There doesn't appear to be any hint of that being a concern from the wife and I'm sure she would be the first to raise that if the case.

agreed! Totally depends what this BIL is like day to day.
I also read a part where his wife already knew of his sexual past etc and hasn’t raised anything about his mental health…. so I could be offering sympathy to somebody undeserving!
Just totally made me think of that situation I had and thought I’d share a different perspective

Agree also if he had sent these pornographic pictures to strangers instead of wife's friend and sister in law they surely would act quickly to contact the police.Thus op you need to tell police.These sexual deviants often share porn with women then go on to groom younger vulnerable or underage people.By going to the police it will stop him sharing more pornographic photos to other vulnerable people .Op as a parent you need to protect others especially teenagers in the family .

A naive reply.Read the posts op said it was him and he has done this to 2 other women .

Thank you for sharing that story @CherryCake88

I hope your uncle received the support he needed. That must have been a really scary experience for you, and well done for recognising at such a young age that he needed help rather than judgement.

I am so sorry this happened to you and to your uncle. That must have been concerning and upsetting. You handled it so well. Psychotic illnesses such as paranoid schizophrenia often work on people’s fears and anxieties or even something negative in the news. It’s unlikely that your uncle became ill because he repressed his sexuality. It’s just something that becomes a focus for the illness. I am almost certain that the OP’s BIL does not have a treatable psychotic illness.

I’m with you on this, after following the thread-

however..

i struggle with your accusation that I’m homophobic or gullible for approaching this initially in an open hearted way r2 this man-

a) I had read the first post at that point and was not clear that he was targeting specific women as a power play and thought this was a genuine cry for help.
b) I’m lesbian myself, express a hard no to pornography and sexual abuse and
c) have witnessed people who are gay or lesbian admit they have used porn and unconsensually have projected it onto others. Of course that is wrong and brainwashed people are messed up by it. It is sexual harrassment, it’s also sad lonely people who may also be survivors of abuse.

Adding to that I will disclose that I’ve done a lot of healing in myself after experiencing sexual trauma, harassment, stalking and domestic abuse - like so many other women - what the statistic now - one in 3- and with all due respect- think again before flinging accusations about, or at least choose your words more carefully.

i am not gullible nor homophobic.
I choose to care first and think the worst later, since living in perpetual assumptions that every person who ever made a mistake is an evil pervert really didn’t help me heal myself. On the contrary it kept me in complex ptsd. Something I’m glad is over now.

Please consider how people feel before flinging accusations about again. You don’t know what other women are living with. thanks for reading. <3