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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL Christmas - can't put into words why its winding me up

402 replies

Lanzarotelady · 20/11/2024 10:03

So Dh is one of 2, he is the youngest, since his dad died 23 yrs ago, we have had his mum ( and Sister ) for Christmas day ( on the years we went to my mum she still came ) When his mum died 2 years ago ( coming up to the 3rd Christmas ) we have still had his Sister for both of those.

We go to my mums on Xmas Day, yes she is 78 but she has a bigger house and she can't get up/down my drive, she gets a lot of help to do this from my brothers

But this is what is winding me up and I cannot articulate why, we still have to take my SIL with us.

She is 60, still working, but single, has a wide circle of friends, nieces etc, is working f/t but she will not make any other arrangements.

Now of course, I won't leave her out, I won't see her on her own etc, but when she comes if we ask her to bring a trifle she will bring one and one cream, there will be 14 of us, she will bring some biscuits - surely common sense dictates you bring more than one bloomin trifle

I don't know why, but its really starting to bug me, why can't she start to widen her circle, start to make her own plans,

I think what really annoyed me, she recently had a meal at a restaurant to celebrate her birthday, invited all her family and friends, but not my mum who has invited her to everything!

OP posts:
WhatNoRaisins · 20/11/2024 10:06

I'd find that irritating myself. I'm cynical that an adult can radically change their behavior though so that's probably not going to happen. Is this something you and DH have talked about?

DatingDunce · 20/11/2024 10:07

Be specific - please can you bring the trifle - make sure it's enough to serve 14.

DatingDunce · 20/11/2024 10:09

Sorry - hit post too soon.

People like her thrive off of everyone around them being too polite to pull them up on stuff. Tell her exactly what she needs to bring and she'll probably either fall in line or make other arrangements

Original poster
Lanzarotelady · 20/11/2024 10:09

WhatNoRaisins · 20/11/2024 10:06

I'd find that irritating myself. I'm cynical that an adult can radically change their behavior though so that's probably not going to happen. Is this something you and DH have talked about?

We have, he just says we can't leave her on her own! she is not a child for gods sake, or lonely, she goes away 3 times a year, she works.

OP posts:
ThianWinter · 20/11/2024 10:10

Tell her to bring enough dessert/biscuits to feed everyone. You can’t disinvite her.

What would she do if you decided to go away on holiday over Christmas? Would she still go to your mum’s? I bet she’d make other arrangements.

WhatNoRaisins · 20/11/2024 10:12

Yeah it's probably too late for this year so I'd try and make the best of it. I mean she sounds inconsiderate but could be worse.

Next year if you want to do something different then I'd plan it and tell her in good time.

Mosaic123 · 20/11/2024 10:12

I can see why that's irritating. Your family are being generous to her and she's not generous back.

Ask for two large trifles - enough to feed 14 or more please.

FierceQuiet · 20/11/2024 10:12

DatingDunce · 20/11/2024 10:07

Be specific - please can you bring the trifle - make sure it's enough to serve 14.

Exactly. No need to fester about something when you can ask. It may not be obvious that you want to have trifle for everyone (generally I find that everyone's so stuffed after a main course, that many people won't have pudding of any kind.)

As regards his sister coming for Christmas -- she's been coming for 23 years, presumably at your invitation, so I imagine it hasn't occurred to her that you no longer want to have her for Christmas just because her mother has died.

I'm sure she has other options, but if you've invited her for the past 23 years, and the only thing that's changed is her mother's death, she probably thinks you want her there.

Blinked00 · 20/11/2024 10:12

Be specific on how many people the trifle needs to be for. Just don't invite her this year and see what gets said.

Smileybutwily · 20/11/2024 10:12

I completely understand why you are miffed OP - I would be too.

Regarding her not inviting your Mum, I would be inclined to say something like 'is there a reason my Mum isn't invited to xxx, I know she'd love to celebrate with you in the way we all do at Christmas ' . You've made your point and it's then up to her.

Regarding her trifling contribution.....for some people , you need to be more prescriptive. My sister and I always go ott when we take contributions to the host but my sil is the opposite. So I now say ''you're in charge of puddings, please bring about 3 so all 12 of us get some'

FierceQuiet · 20/11/2024 10:13

Lanzarotelady · 20/11/2024 10:09

We have, he just says we can't leave her on her own! she is not a child for gods sake, or lonely, she goes away 3 times a year, she works.

Show quote history

But why are you so irritated at her accepting an annual invitation that's gone on for over 2 decades? You're inviting her! All she's doing is saying yes! She's not to know that you don't want her there if you keep inviting her.

Thistimearound · 20/11/2024 10:14

I can see why it is irritating and it seems a bit that she’s never wanted to celebrate Christmas outside of your family - with a boyfriend or friends for instance - but it is what it is now and I think you’re stuck with her.

Definitely agree re: the food to others. There should be nothing awkward in asking her to provide cheese and crackers to feed 14 or 3 trifles to serve 14 or whatever it is. Nip that one in the (long overdue) bud.

RunningJo · 20/11/2024 10:14

If you can't not invite her, then you have got to be more specific with what she needs to contribute.

Nanny0gg · 20/11/2024 10:14

FierceQuiet · 20/11/2024 10:13

But why are you so irritated at her accepting an annual invitation that's gone on for over 2 decades? You're inviting her! All she's doing is saying yes! She's not to know that you don't want her there if you keep inviting her.

Show quote history

It's presumably her ungracious mean attitude that's the problem

@Lanzarotelady Does SiL bring your mum a gift for all this hosting (as well as A trifle?)

Purplecatshopaholic · 20/11/2024 10:15

OP, you have agency here. Stop inviting her. Problem solved. Or make sure you tell to bring enough food. Alternative solution, also problem solved….

Original poster
Lanzarotelady · 20/11/2024 10:15

FierceQuiet · 20/11/2024 10:13

But why are you so irritated at her accepting an annual invitation that's gone on for over 2 decades? You're inviting her! All she's doing is saying yes! She's not to know that you don't want her there if you keep inviting her.

Show quote history

I know I know

Its more of a, are you coming on Christmas day?

OP posts:
gannett · 20/11/2024 10:16

Do you actually like her? I assume your husband values and enjoys her company, as a person?

When I invite friends for gatherings it's because their company is important and enjoyable to me. It's not transactional. Obviously a contribution from them is the done thing but ultimately I couldn't care less whether their trifle is big enough or their bottle of wine is fancy enough or whatever it is.

Original poster
Lanzarotelady · 20/11/2024 10:16

Nanny0gg · 20/11/2024 10:14

It's presumably her ungracious mean attitude that's the problem

@Lanzarotelady Does SiL bring your mum a gift for all this hosting (as well as A trifle?)

Show quote history

She will bring wine, that she will drink, and then something like a packet of biscuits.
No gift as such.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 20/11/2024 10:17

gannett · 20/11/2024 10:16

Do you actually like her? I assume your husband values and enjoys her company, as a person?

When I invite friends for gatherings it's because their company is important and enjoyable to me. It's not transactional. Obviously a contribution from them is the done thing but ultimately I couldn't care less whether their trifle is big enough or their bottle of wine is fancy enough or whatever it is.

But she's not going to the OP's house, it's the OP's mother's and frankly she's being rude

NuffSaidSam · 20/11/2024 10:17

As regards his sister coming for Christmas -- she's been coming for 23 years, presumably at your invitation, so I imagine it hasn't occurred to her that you no longer want to have her for Christmas just because her mother has died.

This.

She's probably giving you more credit than thinking that she only got invite because of her mum and now her Mum's dead you don't want her anymore. I would imagine she thinks of you as her closest family.

She thinks you're a nice person OP! Clearly not though.

Original poster
Lanzarotelady · 20/11/2024 10:18

ThianWinter · 20/11/2024 10:10

Tell her to bring enough dessert/biscuits to feed everyone. You can’t disinvite her.

What would she do if you decided to go away on holiday over Christmas? Would she still go to your mum’s? I bet she’d make other arrangements.

I think when anything happens to my mum, then that will be the break I need. We're planning on going away if I can get leave from work

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 20/11/2024 10:18

Lanzarotelady · 20/11/2024 10:16

She will bring wine, that she will drink, and then something like a packet of biscuits.
No gift as such.

Show quote history

Rude

Your DH needs to point this out

Does she act as a guest or does she muck in with the clearing up?

EvangelicalAboutButteredToast · 20/11/2024 10:18

I think specific instructions are required now. You need to decide what she is required to bring and request it. For example:

Two large trifles, these ones from M&S/Waitrose would be ideal. This cheese (give specific sizes and names) and these biscuits (be specific). Treat it like a test. Tell your husband what you are going to do and then see whether she pushes back or steps up or flakes at the last minute. That would dictate how I deal with it going forward.

MissUltraViolet · 20/11/2024 10:18

"There's 14 of us so can you bring at least 3 trifles and 3 pots of cream and/or a few tubs of biscuits because one won't be enough, thanks"

Have you tried that? have you tried to ask for what you actually want her to bring?

Nanny0gg · 20/11/2024 10:19

MissUltraViolet · 20/11/2024 10:18

"There's 14 of us so can you bring at least 3 trifles and 3 pots of cream and/or a few tubs of biscuits because one won't be enough, thanks"

Have you tried that? have you tried to ask for what you actually want her to bring?

Edited

I see your point but as a grown woman should know to ask!