SIL Christmas - can't put into words why its winding me up

[Lanzarotelady]

So Dh is one of 2, he is the youngest, since his dad died 23 yrs ago, we have had his mum ( and Sister ) for Christmas day ( on the years we went to my mum she still came ) When his mum died 2 years ago ( coming up to the 3rd Christmas ) we have still had his Sister for both of those.

We go to my mums on Xmas Day, yes she is 78 but she has a bigger house and she can't get up/down my drive, she gets a lot of help to do this from my brothers

But this is what is winding me up and I cannot articulate why, we still have to take my SIL with us.

She is 60, still working, but single, has a wide circle of friends, nieces etc, is working f/t but she will not make any other arrangements.

Now of course, I won't leave her out, I won't see her on her own etc, but when she comes if we ask her to bring a trifle she will bring one and one cream, there will be 14 of us, she will bring some biscuits - surely common sense dictates you bring more than one bloomin trifle

I don't know why, but its really starting to bug me, why can't she start to widen her circle, start to make her own plans,

I think what really annoyed me, she recently had a meal at a restaurant to celebrate her birthday, invited all her family and friends, but not my mum who has invited her to everything!

She is 60, still working, but single, has a wide circle of friends, nieces etc, is working f/t but she will not make any other arrangements.

Aren't her nieces your daughter's? You want her to spend Christmas with your children?

Don't mention Christmas to her. Wait for her to bring the topic up.

Christmas is a family time, so fair enough inviting her though.

But... if/when she does then mention Christmas, you need to be assertive with what is needed. "We're having Christmas at my Mum's house this year. That's great you'd like to join us. We're sharing out some of the food tasks to make it easier. Could you bring a desert/trifle enough for 14 people?"

Then it's up to the OP's mum really. If the OP's mum doesn't care that the SIL's contributions are on the stingy side why does the OP? I could not have the energy to be all eagle-eyed over whether another guest's contribution is sufficient when I'm not even the host.

She doesn't make other arrangements because she's been led to believe for 23 years that you're perfectly happy to have her spend Christmas with you. I think for most people, spending Christmas with immediate family is probably the default, and her immediate family are/were your DH and his now late mum.

I can understand why you're a bit miffed at having to accommodate her, but I don't think she can be blamed for coming when your DH invites her every year.

Regarding the trifle, if someone asked me to bring 'a trifle' to an event I would bring one trifle, because that is what 'a trifle' means. If you want her to bring more, ask her to bring two or three, or at least make it clear that whatever she brings needs to feed at least 14 people. She's not a mind-reader.

Who are her nieces if DH is her only brother? Is/was she married?
I'd be tempted to take your mum away on a lovely holiday next Christmas. You need to break the cycle somehow!

They’ll be a back story I’m sure.

Probably hasn't occurred to her to do anything else! People get stuck with tradition - i agree with your husband that it would be sad to exclude her, and while she could go to a friend perhaps she might feel like she had to ask for an invite as an "add on" which is a bit sad, i imagine after all this time she feels a full part of your christmas day.

Its a shame she's so tight. Agree with PPs about not letting her get away with that!

No I haven't I have just assumed that as an adult who knows how many people will be there that she would bring enough for everyone or at least a selection

Yes that would annoy me too. Can't your husband talk to her or does he see no problem?

Sorry with regards to the neices - I am trying not to make it too identifiable - and have unsucessfuly change some details , there is another brother who has children - but he spends Christmas day on his own

What does your mum think of the situation? I would frame it as ‘my mums trying to do less this year so we are buying more - could you make sure that you bring’ (and then supply a very long list).

Your SIL is tight so might go elsewhere 😆

So you haven't actually invited her this year? In that case, say nothing and see what she says. I'd nearly be inclined to bring up the fact that she had her birthday celebrating recently and didn't invite your mum considering she spends every Christmas with her so you assumed she was making alternative plans this year.

If she does come, you need to tell her that she is to bring a certain number of bottles of wine, type of quantity of dessert etc. Be specific.

Even he thinks its a bit awkward but he is staying out of it, he says its up to my mum and even though my mum is a bit peed off with it, we wouldn't leave her on her own

So what's really going on in your head about this? How does your mother feel about having your SIL every Christmas? Are you getting annoyed on your mother's behalf, because you think she doesn't like your SIL coming? Surely it's less bother for your mum now that your MIL's death has meant one fewer person is attending?

No back story as such, I thinks its just a case of not being socially aware?
I am not explaining myself very well
It does get on my mums nerves as much as mine

Very much this - add things on to her list, with quantities, to fully reflect the cost of her attending.

I think he needs to address it if your mother no longer wants to invite her, or if she's been suffering in silence for 23 years!!!

I'm expecting a drip feed about what a difficult character the SIL is, and the real problem that should've been in the OP is "how can we get out of hosting this woman we don't like when we've done it out of duty for 20 years". (No good answer to that one really!)

It was mean of her to not invite your mum to her birthday celebration.
I am a HCP working a twelve hour shift on Christmas Day and that’s great for not being a part of any family stresses over who goes where!

If you ask for a trifle you will get a trifle. Not enough for 14.

If you asked me to bring a trifle I’d assume it was for those who don’t like Christmas pudding or mince pies; I wouldn’t assume it was the dessert for everyone,

So be overt - “we need you to bring the dessert this year. Can you bring trifle and a Yule log, enough to feed 14? Great”

After 23 years it’s the her norm. I’m sure it doesn’t occur to her it’s a charitable act - she’ll believe you actually want her. Because if you didn’t, why on earth have you invited her for 23 years?

Agree with PP that SIL is indeed shamelessly tight

Ok so because you've said your mum is peed off with it, I'd do what the previous poster said (@coconutpie) and bring up the birthday party and say you assumed she'd want to make alternative plans this year.

Don't be passive! Remember, your mum is 78 and peed off, use that thought to say something.

So your husband has no problem leaving his brother alone for Christmas but insists on making you drag your sister in law with you to your family? I wouldn't accept that. Why does he get to decide who you invite to your mum's house?

There isn't a back story, I promise, she isn't difficult.

I just think she could start to make her own plans, rather than relying on us, yes I know that makes me a bad person