SIL Christmas - can't put into words why its winding me up

[Lanzarotelady]

So Dh is one of 2, he is the youngest, since his dad died 23 yrs ago, we have had his mum ( and Sister ) for Christmas day ( on the years we went to my mum she still came ) When his mum died 2 years ago ( coming up to the 3rd Christmas ) we have still had his Sister for both of those.

We go to my mums on Xmas Day, yes she is 78 but she has a bigger house and she can't get up/down my drive, she gets a lot of help to do this from my brothers

But this is what is winding me up and I cannot articulate why, we still have to take my SIL with us.

She is 60, still working, but single, has a wide circle of friends, nieces etc, is working f/t but she will not make any other arrangements.

Now of course, I won't leave her out, I won't see her on her own etc, but when she comes if we ask her to bring a trifle she will bring one and one cream, there will be 14 of us, she will bring some biscuits - surely common sense dictates you bring more than one bloomin trifle

I don't know why, but its really starting to bug me, why can't she start to widen her circle, start to make her own plans,

I think what really annoyed me, she recently had a meal at a restaurant to celebrate her birthday, invited all her family and friends, but not my mum who has invited her to everything!

We hosted family for over three decades, once we had the DC. My parents (DH’s sadly died very young) and my sister and BiL, who don’t have children. My mum used to pay for the turkey, we did everything else. My sister would bring a bottle of wine, which she mostly drank, and sometimes a box of crackers. She always took home large portions of cold turkey, ham, trifle, christmas pudding..
The first year after both parents died she said they wanted Christmas at their house as they had ‘had to’ come to ours for so many years. Would we like to cone over? I thought great! I get Christmas lunch cooked. Then she added ‘for drinks and nibbles in the morning for an hour’!!🥺

Your Mum is the one I feel sorry for tbh!

I think with people like your SIL you just need to be very specific when telling her what to bring. E.g. SIL you need to bring 2 large trifles, a large pork pie, a jar of pickled onions and 2 bottles of red wine

She obviously isn't capable of using common sense. Many people aren't!

Another one here who would bring one trifle if asked to bring a trifle. Common sense to me is taking people at face value, so if they wanted 5 trifles, a magnum of champagne and a roasted reindeer carcass I’d assume they’d have asked for it

But this is family, not friends. And it's nothing to do with being transactional - this is a 60 year old woman who goes to an elderly woman's house for Christmas and takes one trifle when there are 14 people. That's just lazy and selfish and thoughtless.

I have a sibling like this. There are 15 at Christmas every year. Brother (35, own flat w/ no mortgage, employed) would come totally empty handed unless specifically told to bring something. Last year I suggested he brought crackers and some chocolates for after dinner. There were six crackers in the pack. And a box of chocolate fingers…

I think the problem OP is you're expecting her to wake up and realise that she's being very thoughtless to your mum off her own accord. People don't always do this and after such a long time I doubt she will, this is just normal to her. If you're going to ask her to bring something you need to be more specific.

I don't think it's fair on your mum to be foisting this 60 year old freeloader on her. If your dh is a wet blanket it's on you to sort it out. I would tell her your mum is too old to be hosting so many people any more so she is cutting down on numbers. The sil has no shame, why should you care so much about her feelings? Your mum's feelings are more important here, this woman is not her problem

I think I’m you 23 years ago 🤣 SIL was massively enabled by MIL and has never brought a thing when we hosted as MIL always did. Now MIL is no longer around SIL still isn’t contributing and hasn’t ever invited us round to her for her to host anything let alone Christmas. My youngest hasn’t even been to her house (15 mins away) and he’s 7.

Any advice on how not to end up hosting her for Xmas for the next 23 years?? Happy to spend it with her, but don’t always want to be doing the work. Anything you wish you’d set in place all those years ago OP?

Was your mother hurt that she wasn't included in the birthday invites?

If so, you could just have a quiet word and say, mum felt upset that after years of hosting you for Christmas, you didn't think to return the compliment and invite her to your birthday. So this year, I suggest either you make other plans or show a lot of generosity in your contributions towards the day.

If your mum wasn't bothered, say the same, but tell her it was you who felt upset that she undervalues your mum so much after all these years of generosity and you'd like to see her make more effort and contribute a much fairer share towards the day's celebrations if she wants to be included in the future.

Lol men.

It's nice that your brother won't leave her. With that many people doesn't seem that much of an imposition. Making other arrangements at Christmas can be hard, so the alternative would likely be her being alone, She should do more though. Tell DH to ask for enough trifle for 14

You need to tell her that if she is going to be joining you in your mother's house for Christmas, she brings along enough for everyone, not just the chosen few (but say it nicer).
She is assuming that she is still invited to your Christmas, and where you spend that is entirely up to you. Does she live locally to you or does she have to travel a distance to get to yours and further still to get to your mother?

I'd be having a conversation with the other half and saying that you'll go with it for this year but as his sister didn't see fit to even extend an invitation to her milestone birthday to your mother, you are no longer interested in extending an invite to Christmas to her. It's the fact that she didn't even invite your mother (who could have politely declined or actually attended) that sticks in my craw. How presumptuous of your SiL!

I'd make it clear that if she shows up with a lack of food for the guests that this will also play a factor in any future invites. She has nieces/nephews/friends/other relations that she could pitch a chair at their Christmas Table for a change.

I'm not having "well this could be her last Christmas" - none of us know when our last Christmas will be so why do we keep spending them with people who set our blood boiling??? Enjoy your Christmas with your mother.

Another suggestion would be that you go to your mother for Christmas and your husband and his sister spend Christmas together, leaving neither alone!

These are compromises you make once a year. Your husband has told you he wants to celebrate Christmas with his sister. You want to celebrate it with your mother. Your mother won’t celebrate it anywhere but her home. Hence the current state of affairs.

Your mother is the host if she doesn’t want her there then she can say so and set rules for contributions for all 13 guests. But I think she might find your husband declining to attend. Then you have it at yours and you still have to deal with her.

theres 14 people at one meal on one day, its not worth the angst.

Tell her to bring 3 trifles to cover 14 people. Spell it out to her what the day needs from her is polite yet effective way - send her a text or email with it in writing. Then check a couple of days before and emphasise your mum's age and also how EVERYONE is chipping in to make it a fun day for ALL the family. Why do we tip toe around these people? Believe me, I am old now, but looking back I wished I had been more assertive. We have expectations of others for things that just don't occur to them. If we voice our expectations, then we are half way to having them met. If the other person does not respond in kind, then we know what we are dealing with and need to change tack.

Surely she notices that her contribution of pudding doesn't go very far! Does she bring a gift for your DM, does she not offer to bring more things?

If I was asked to bring dessert I’d bring one of whatever on the basis that other people may also bring a dessert. It’s not unusual to have 2 or 3 choices of dessert in my family so I’d not assume mine was the only one unless someone told me that.

Be very specific. Some people genuinely don't know what you mean when you say "bring a trifle," without telling them how big to go how many ways etc. Others are awful freeloaders. Something like " Clementine, would you bring a trifle on 25 December? Enough to go 14 ways? Yes, I know some people will have Christmas pudding, but you know your brother. . .he can manage three helpings of dessert at least and the kids are basically vacuum cleaners. Oh, and Clementine love, would you bring a nice box of biscuits too? Those really chocolatey ones Mum likes? (I'd name a brand at this juncture) A box mind, not just a packet?" A script similar to this might offer some help to those who need it, (I'd be inordinately grateful) while pulling the freeloaders up short.

I think you’re being mean criticising her for wanting to spend Christmas with her family especially her own mother !

But be more specific in terms of what she needs to bring.

In fairness its not you who keeps inviting, it's effectively your husband as you don't have that obligation.

If your DH insist she comes then he can tell her that she needs to up her contribution. Tell him if there's any push back on that she is welcome to decline the invite

I agree - I'm clearly in the minority - but I actually feel sorry for the SIL. It can't be nice being a single person "add on" and how horrible to be so massively resented and not be given a steer. Not everyone can pick up cues.

Does she bring Christmas gifts for the children? This is what I'd want/appreciate

Re read it @CoastalCalm
Her mother has passed away!

The children are all older now, youngest is 17,
We aren't talking about a lonely old person, we are talking about someone who works and socialises etc

It’s not men, my mum has been hosted by us for at least the last 15 years. She is collected , fed and watered and then driven home. She has never brought anything with her ie a bottle of wine and often never says thanks. It’s just normal to me so I’ve only recently noticed. My fil comes as well, always brings a couple of bottles of wine as gifts but in addition to our main gift and is absolutely effusive in his thanks. Last year my mums present to my fil not wrapped up, was a light up biscuit tim from marks that she’d obviously been gifted. She also regifted my daughter some candles she’d been bought - she’s really open about it. My fil got her a bottle of fizz but she couldn’t even be bothered to buy him something he’d like ie beer.

Have you tried messaging you SIL yet Op detailing exactly what it is you need her to bring?

✔️ job done. Everyone can get on with the day 😆

It's not her mother. It's her brothers wife's mother!