SIL Christmas - can't put into words why its winding me up

[Lanzarotelady]

So Dh is one of 2, he is the youngest, since his dad died 23 yrs ago, we have had his mum ( and Sister ) for Christmas day ( on the years we went to my mum she still came ) When his mum died 2 years ago ( coming up to the 3rd Christmas ) we have still had his Sister for both of those.

We go to my mums on Xmas Day, yes she is 78 but she has a bigger house and she can't get up/down my drive, she gets a lot of help to do this from my brothers

But this is what is winding me up and I cannot articulate why, we still have to take my SIL with us.

She is 60, still working, but single, has a wide circle of friends, nieces etc, is working f/t but she will not make any other arrangements.

Now of course, I won't leave her out, I won't see her on her own etc, but when she comes if we ask her to bring a trifle she will bring one and one cream, there will be 14 of us, she will bring some biscuits - surely common sense dictates you bring more than one bloomin trifle

I don't know why, but its really starting to bug me, why can't she start to widen her circle, start to make her own plans,

I think what really annoyed me, she recently had a meal at a restaurant to celebrate her birthday, invited all her family and friends, but not my mum who has invited her to everything!

I have a friend in the opposite position, she is the 60+ year old who is always invited to her sisters for Christmas but on odd occasions when she has wanted to do other things she is scared to speak up in case the standing invitation may dry up and they are her only family.

Having said that, if someone is inviting you to their home on Christmas day, you bring the hosts a gift and your contribution. She cannot deny she knows how many will be there and she is an adult woman and she is being very rude to your family.

So you just need to drop into the conversation that there will be X people for Christmas lunch and they have BIG appetites so she needs to bring dessert for X people. Some people will let it slide if they are allowed to but she does sound very inconsiderate.

I'm wondering if by now this is just so habitual that she'd never think to change it. Spending time with wider family around Christmas isn't an outlandish action. So even though it's hosted by your family, it's with her brother and you're her SIL, and it's something you've all done together for such a long time that she might view it as just what happens at Christmas? This would also explain her not extending further invites to your mum for her birthday dinner. She associates you and that crew with that holiday/season. I spend the 27th/28th December with cousins whenever we're all in the country, have done for more than 20 years. However I don't think I've ever once invited them to my birthday, or been invited to theirs in turn. Christmas is our get together, just how it has always been.

For me the irritating thing would be not contributing effectively. Bringing enough food to feed everyone in attendance etc should be a given, plus gifts if that's how things work in your household. Would be absolutely pulling her up on that.

If I was asked to bring a trifle, I would bring one trifle. I would assume you had other desserts as well. I host 15/16 for Christmas and only make one trifle, and we usually have loads left over - there is also cake, pudding, mince pies etc

Having said that, if someone is inviting you to their home on Christmas day, you bring the hosts a gift and your contribution. She cannot deny she knows how many will be there and she is an adult woman and she is being very rude to your family.

Actually, I think that this is a good point. It's actively rude and my light response earlier isn't entirely the answer. I think your DH should say something ot her, "look sister, it's lovely to have you at christmas but I'm starting to get embarssed - you never bring even a token gift for my MIL or help with the food/drink. She's getting on and she's been so hospitable to our whole family."

Just be more specific about what you're expecting her to bring.

Yes it's annoying, but you can't not invite her and she isn't going to magically get it. So spell it out.

I would find this very frustrating. I think your DH needs to say something to her tbh.

I imagine your sister-in-law's birthday meal was mainly for people in her age group. I'm sure she thinks a lot of your mum but wouldn't have thought of inviting her on a night out. I didn't take my mother or in-laws on nights out with my friends but I paid attention to them in other ways.

You are over-thinking this. As the 'tradition' has been going on for so long, I imagine your sister-in-law takes it for granted but that doesn't mean it is not appreciated. She will also be aware that it can't go on forever. I daresay she would be quite shocked and hurt if she knew how you felt.

Please don't let resentment build up, there's no point in that. We are supposed to look out for each other in life.

Well I understand what you mean but are you never in the situation where you feel forced to invite anyone?
I am part of a group of four friends; two of whom are lovely. However the other one is like the ops sil; nothing wrong with her but she is very lazy. Despite being hosted numerous times she has never invited any of us to her house. If I didn’t include her in any invitations MN would say I was mean to exclude her.

I was trying to make is less identifiable, but it doesn't change the situation BIL is a loner

Nothing quite as festive as a MN “I hate my SIL because they don’t being enough Trifle and therefore I want to exclude them from Christmas, help me” thread 😂🥳

Yes, I think she thinks she's being asked for a token contribution rather than to cater for everyone iykwim.

Some people would see it as rude for a guest (especially the guest furthest removed from the hosts) to turn up with masses of food - they may see it as a hint that the hosts can't cater for everyone.

She's just sticking with what's always happened, and probably unaware anyone is unhappy with it. The message someone posted upthread about reducing the burden on your mum now she's getting on a bit was good.

In her head it's probably "SIL's family are hosting 13 already, I'm just one more around the table", I doubt she sees it as a big deal.

Well you know what they say about assuming.

It's pretty simple. You've had very good and clear suggestions as to how to deal with this and they are easy to implement without being rude or creating a big family issue. If she still does not step up then you will know and can respond appropriately.

"Hey SIL - Xmas is all getting a bit much for mum with her age etc even with everyone helping so we have decided to be a bit more organised this year with what everyone contributes. Assuming you are coming this year, please can you therefore bring X, Y, Z" and be very specific on what XYZ is.

You are not being unreasonable for expecting her to step up a bit. You are being unreasonable to want to just cut her off and not attempt to address it because she should know better.

It was quite rude of her not to invite your mum to her birthday. She is definitely a bit thoughtless/self-absorbed. I'm not saying I would adore her myself by any means!!

Why would she though when she’s been invited for 23 years? What’s wrong with her wanting to spend Christmas with her brother? You could equally argue that you should make your own plans and stop relying on your mum. If you didn’t want her there you should’ve stopped inviting her 23 years ago. I can’t see what she’s done to annoy you apart from respond to invitations that you’ve offered!

I think this is so sad :( lots of people feel that is meant to be spent with family, and this is a long standing tradition that should bring you all joy. Just because she has friends and works full time doesn’t mean any of those people are free on Christmas Day! Sure, get her to bring enough trifle and address that if it’s an issue but I find it so sad that you generally resent her for coming to Christmas as your DH’s only close relative (presumably aunt to your kids if you have them?) such a strange attitude.

So Dh is one of 2, he is the youngest...

This is your opening sentence.

Except he isn't "one of 2" as there is another brother in the mix.

Do we take the other facts as true or are they misleading too?

You need to be more assertive with her, so if she's going to bring trifle say we'll need at least 2 trifles as there's 14 of us, or can you bring 6 packets of biscuits as there are 14 of us.

If she lives on her own she may not be able to visualise how much more stuff 14 people will need in relation to her usual one.

Also, plenty of people with loads of friends etc find that those friends turn inwards to family at Christmas so no matter how sociable you are the rest of the year - Christmas can be lonely.

I don't rely on my mum, I have invited her here, she has declined as she cannot safely get up and down my drive. I would actually prefer to do it here

And re: the birthday - you said your mum is really old and can’t get down her driveway, not outside the realm of possibility that she just wanted a birthday with younger people for a different atmosphere than standard family gathering and maybe thought it wouldn’t be the right vibe for your mum.

This was your mistake.

When your dad died and you started going to your dms you should've said "we're going to mums this year - what are your plans"?

To me it's really strange that she doesn't feel it's a bit odd to be going to your dms with you. None of my SILs, even if they were single would dream of doing so. She's lazy and will take the easiest option and you have facilitated it unfortunately. The difficulty now is changing the norm as she will probably take offence, so you need to be prepared for that and brazen it out.

Thank you, for everyone's point of views. I have taken them all on board.
Yes I do need to be more assertive and tell her what is required.

I'm easily wound up so this would annoy me, but I'd know I was being unreasonable. I can't imagine bing in the position of the best offer being going to my sil mums house for Xmas. If you dropped her it sounds like she may have a lonely Xmas. Althought the trifle is ridiculous. You need to make it clear she needs to contribute to the entire meal.

Why would you assume this?

When each year she doesn't do it

Another one here who would assume that a trifle means a trifle. You might well have asked more than one person to bring their dessert type things.

I thought YABU until I saw that she did not invite you mum to the birthday do. That’s ignorant, I would call her out on that.