SIL Christmas - can't put into words why its winding me up

[Lanzarotelady]

So Dh is one of 2, he is the youngest, since his dad died 23 yrs ago, we have had his mum ( and Sister ) for Christmas day ( on the years we went to my mum she still came ) When his mum died 2 years ago ( coming up to the 3rd Christmas ) we have still had his Sister for both of those.

We go to my mums on Xmas Day, yes she is 78 but she has a bigger house and she can't get up/down my drive, she gets a lot of help to do this from my brothers

But this is what is winding me up and I cannot articulate why, we still have to take my SIL with us.

She is 60, still working, but single, has a wide circle of friends, nieces etc, is working f/t but she will not make any other arrangements.

Now of course, I won't leave her out, I won't see her on her own etc, but when she comes if we ask her to bring a trifle she will bring one and one cream, there will be 14 of us, she will bring some biscuits - surely common sense dictates you bring more than one bloomin trifle

I don't know why, but its really starting to bug me, why can't she start to widen her circle, start to make her own plans,

I think what really annoyed me, she recently had a meal at a restaurant to celebrate her birthday, invited all her family and friends, but not my mum who has invited her to everything!

Not really, no. Honestly life is a lot more pleasant if you just apply the "do I actually enjoy this person's company" test to socialising. There's the odd exception but that's usually because there's a greater benefit so you go into it with your eyes wide open, accept you'll be mildly annoyed by that person and just get through the day. We sometimes host DP's aunt and uncle and it's not the most fun way of spending an afternoon but it's important to him and only occasional.

@Marshbird noted Xmas is a tricky time. As people want to be with family and it sound like your SIL only has her brother. If your mum doesn’t object to her still coming, then please do try to make that work. It isn’t about her not being grown up or having a life of her own, it’s about family at xmas

Yes. It is interesting BIL and SIL don't seem to be socially aware...are they autistic maybe? If autistic (or even not), then if you tell her bring a trifle, that is what she'll do...it is quite literal. So, tell her what you want her to bring, and I will bet she will do it.

Not inviting your mum to her birthday wasn't great, but does that mean she is banned from all family Christmasses henceforth? You need to tell her that made you upset, or your mother does. Passive assertive behaviour doesn't really get anyone anywhere, and it would be out of proportion to cut her out.

I still can't figure out what you want the outcome to be.

If the SIL brought enough trifle for everyone (and it's easy to ask her to) would that really fix things for you?

I get the impression that the trifle is a red herring and even though you say you enjoy her company you just want her to bugger off. Even though this is her family Xmas.

Tell him that him chickening out of dealing with his sister's antics is no longer an option. He either tells her straight or you will.

Let Christmas 2024 be the last one where you have to go through this kind of shite!

You think because she has a job and friends that means she has somewhere to go for Christmas?

I can't imagine spending it with colleagues. And friends will likely be spending it with their own families.

You've invited her for 23 years, seems very harsh to stop inviting her because her mum has died.

Just tell her clearly what to bring

Sorry OP - i think your been a bit mean here - the sister has done this for the last XXX years - nothing has changed, except when her mother died, and even then, you didnt change or ask her NOT to come, so she's assumed, and now you suddenly are annoyed at her for various reasons, but you still DONT want to tell her not to come, you wont see her alone, but equally you dont actually want her to come? And your mum is equally miffed, but wont say thing either, and neither will your husband?! It's the sister i feel sorry for. If she's alone and single, maybe she's socially inept, did you tell her to bring enough for X number of people? My sibling comes and visits me (also single) and eats and drinks the food for the children, she's 38 - i have to remind them not to, or to replace it, it just doesn't occur to them. Just tell her how much to buy. If you don't want her there, stop being a matyr and just tell her, then you wont resent it as much. She's making plans with her family, that (shock) includes her brother and you... people spend christmas with their family right, as you are yours. Who else do you expect her to 'make plans with' at christmas? Her parents are dead, she is not with anyone and has no kids. Do you just mean you want her to spend christmas with people that are not you and your immediate family?

If there are 14 people there then I think asking your sil to cover pudding for all of them is a big ask. Who are the other adult attendees and what do they bring?

This. I think most people's preference is to spend Christmas with family where possible?

I know you mentioned she doesn't bring gifts, but can you clarify, does she not bring even a Christmas gift for your mum?

How does the gift situation work? Does everyone get her a gift? Does she not give any gifts?

Just wondering if she gives you guys gifts so doesn't think she needs to contribute to the meal or something like that.

What does everyone else bring and what quantity?
How do you know she wants to go and doesn't feel like she has to.
Why haven't you asked her why she didn't invite your mum- "why didn't my mum go"
Why can you not be upfront instead of getting annoyed maybe where there is no need to get annoyed.

Seriously (about the mind reader bit)??? You're having a laugh, right?? After 23 years of bringing 'a trifle' and attending Christmas celebrations where there are many people, you're honestly saying that she wouldn't have clocked that her single trifle wasn't enough to bring?? That she'd have to be a 'mind reader' to know to bring more to the celebrations??

I give up.

@Lanzarotelady People get into habits about stupid things like xmas. It's probably your sil's tradition that she spends it with you.

This thread has made me feel so shit about my life. I'm single, pretty much always have been. I'm obviously not as welcome as I thought I was to other people's homes at Christmas.
I'm not your sister in law's age but at any age it's pretty shit to spend Xmas alone but I might do now I know how unwelcome I'd really be. This has really knocked me.

@Lanzarotelady but have you actually invited her this year?? can you say you are just going to your bro's? it isnt really up to you to entertain your dh's sister, especially when she doesnt really make any effort! next year, tell her you are going on holiday! one PP has said that sil just assumed and that is the crux of the matter!! if you cant tell her then your dh needs to put his big boy pants on and do the needful and tell her!! they dont actually sound that close. just habit close for christmas!

Have you been going to an in-law family Christmas dinner for the past 20 years and only bringing a single trifle and not even extending an invite to the host of that Christmas celebration to your milestone birthday?

No?

Then you're really not the type of individual we're talking about in this thread.

Just because you're single, it doesn't equate to you having to spend Christmas alone. Also, when someone does invite you to things, do you thank them? I'd guess that you would do that so again, I don't think this particular individual in this thread is anything like you.

Send a message to her saying that as you know mum's not getting any younger, everyone enjoys spending Xmas together so we are all going to share out the responsibility of hosting this year. Could she please bring 2 of her wonderful trifles plus biscuits and cheese for 14, or something like that.

This ^^

I think she's ungrateful & rude - she's not even related to your DM.

Don't be silly - this SIL is nothing like you.

Perhaps your SIL feels she might offend you by making alternative plans for Christmas, rather than going along to this big family get together.

I do have one trifle bowl at home, but not three.

I don't think the OP wants her there regardless of the trifle. That's a red herring. Maybe I've always just been an inconvenience too. I'll spend this Xmas by myself now. I don't want to be unwelcome.

Send a message /round robin
“hi everyone you are welcome to come for christmas dinner to Silvia’s (your mum’s name)? But even though she hates to admit it hosting /cooking for 14 (or however many) is getting a bit much for her. So to lighten the load I suggest that ( for example)
X brings A (eg trifle/xmas log and cream to serve 14)
Y brings B ( cheese board and biscuits to serve 14)
Z brings 3 (?) bottles of red wine
P brings etc etc etc
We will be bringing ( whatever)
Silvia will sort the basic meat and veg

Can you all just confirm well in advance that you are coming and what you are bringing.
looking forward to seeing you all

Lanzarotelady”

Ugh she sounds like my sil op. For years there was just the assumption of spending the day with us. Never offered to help cook or clear up, one year I asked if she could bring a pudding - she said 'no, I'll have whatever you're cooking'.

We ended up going abroad last year to break the cycle.

Also .... there is nothing wrong with spending Christmas on your own.

It's actually ok & sometimes a whole lot nicer not having to 'fit in' with everyone else.

Call her and ask her to bring specific food and amounts. “Please bring 4 x Trifles and 6 x Creams. There are 14 of us. You’re used to catering for yourself.”

This with bells on. I feel this way too.

Not same situation as OP per say, but being the eldest grandchild out of 8 (only by like 1 year I may add) my grandparents expected so much from me in comparison. They would host our entire family every year (22 of us) and I would every year go round and help them prep everything, no other grand child even asked. Yet one Christmas I forgot to buy them a Christmas card and in front of everyone told me how upset they were with me over it, over a piece of paper! I was humiliated at the time, but something deep down inside of me clicked that day.

Now I don't offer to help and buy them a Christmas card every year, and nothing is said about me not helping. Unbelievable really when you write it down.