SIL Christmas - can't put into words why its winding me up

[Lanzarotelady]

So Dh is one of 2, he is the youngest, since his dad died 23 yrs ago, we have had his mum ( and Sister ) for Christmas day ( on the years we went to my mum she still came ) When his mum died 2 years ago ( coming up to the 3rd Christmas ) we have still had his Sister for both of those.

We go to my mums on Xmas Day, yes she is 78 but she has a bigger house and she can't get up/down my drive, she gets a lot of help to do this from my brothers

But this is what is winding me up and I cannot articulate why, we still have to take my SIL with us.

She is 60, still working, but single, has a wide circle of friends, nieces etc, is working f/t but she will not make any other arrangements.

Now of course, I won't leave her out, I won't see her on her own etc, but when she comes if we ask her to bring a trifle she will bring one and one cream, there will be 14 of us, she will bring some biscuits - surely common sense dictates you bring more than one bloomin trifle

I don't know why, but its really starting to bug me, why can't she start to widen her circle, start to make her own plans,

I think what really annoyed me, she recently had a meal at a restaurant to celebrate her birthday, invited all her family and friends, but not my mum who has invited her to everything!

You obviously haven't read the full thread. At least show some respect before posting and read all the OP's posts. You will discover the siblings are not close and it's not about the expense of a 'trifle'.

I think I read all the OPs posts before posting. I knew the siblings only met at Christmas, as mentioned in my post.

Agree with you. Not sure why you are snapping at Ejvd KitKat because she is spot on in my view. I don't think it's a matter of how many times they see each other. Does OP's DH want his sister to be alone on Christmas day or not.

Yes I have a cousin like that, 45 years old and still invites herself for a family Christmas though no one hears from her for the rest of the year. Bloody rude but what can you do….

I think I may have been in your SIL’s position at times! I probably would imagine that the trifle was part of the whole dessert course - that there would be Christmas cake, mince pies, fruit salad or something as well - so there would be no need to bring enough for 14 as only a proportion of that number would choose trifle? Otherwise you have massive amounts of food left. Obviously I may be missing the main point here ….

No doubt your cousin thinks she is welcome, looks forward to seeing the family once a year. That's not unusual. Do you not like her?

No one in the family hears from her apart from Christmas when suddenly she decides she likes having family. She is a cousin so most of us feel like we are only wanted or needed at this time of year. And yes I do like her, but starting to feel a bit used to be honest especially as this year we have a lot of personal issues, and my parents are in their late 70s with health issues. When I mentioned this in a text (in a very carefully worded manner, discussed with my Mum, and given a lot of thought) I have received no reply, but my Mum received a message directly asking if her anxiety levels were an issue. Of course my poor Mum is embarrassed about her health and my Dads problems and then down played it. So now she has said cousin and her friend staying with her (plus my Aunt and my sister and her family visiting Christmas Day) in a small 2 bed bungalow. My sister doesn’t cook hence she always visits on Christmas Day but my Mum loves seeing the kiddies as they are still small and wouldn’t have it any other way. My Dad doesn’t leave the house much either so she likes having my sister there. However my cousin inviting herself and her friend make it very difficult. Because family was going to be coming to us on Boxing Day, I have tried to politely tell cousin that there is a lot going on for us all currently and not sure how it will be. We would never be rude and say no, but sometimes family that you see little of and have nothing to do with you for the most part coming at a very stressful time of year, can be quite complicated and has nothing to do with ‘not liking them’. To be honest a cousin at the age of 45 should be able to host their own Christmas not invite themselves to someone else’s!

I have tried to politely tell cousin that there is a lot going on for us all currently and not sure how it will be. We would never be rude and say no

There's your problem, @Kimbo140809 -- it's not your cousin, it's own own idea that refusing to have someone for Christmas is 'rude', even when there are perfectly valid grounds. Communicate more clearly. What is it you're afraid of in saying 'no' for once? Give your cousin plenty of notice that she's going to have to make other arrangements.

But do you turn up and contribute hardly anything in terms of food and drink and a gift for the host? Do you not bother to help with clearing up and helping out? Do you just sit there and expect to be waited on? If any of these, then yes you probably should spend Christmas on your own because you're obviously entitled and rude. If you're a gracious, generous and pleasant guest, then I'm sure you'd always be welcome and people would be happy to have you. It's up to you what type of guest you are, isn't it?

Your cousin is a bullying cheeky fxxker.
Why would you tolerate your parents being treated like that?
She couldn't care less about ye.
Yere of use at Christmas, end of.
Your poor mother.

Yeah I'd feel pretty used by a person who was happy to rock up and be hosted every Christmas but couldn't give me the time of day any other time of the year. That's called being a user.

My parents host Christmas , I buy a massive Turkey as contribution and store it in my freezer till a few days before…
maybe you could say to SIL ‘I’m gonna buy XY and z to take to my mums this year, I’ll buy trifles too for you to bring, can you transfer £25 into my account to cover it please!

Also maybe you just need to say ‘I’m upset you didn’t invite my mum to your birthday meal after all the Christmas meals she’s hosted you for!!’

At the point of you and husband getting an invite to the 60th party at restaurant did you ask if you can bring your mum along?

And would she had gone? Or was the point to invite her even though mum would not attend?

And the person who mentioned "random cousin" aren't they the child of aunt who also attends mums house). So actually it's a person inviting her sister plus child. Friend of cousin is bit more tenuous. But maybe it's a special friend??

This.

Merry Christmas, I guess.

It's an established tradition at this point and probably just an assumption on her part that it will continue. And why wouldn't it be? No one has said anything otherwise to her.

It doesn't sound like anyone has bothered to communicate that the contribution she brings isn't enough, either. For some, it would be immediately obvious but for many people (myself, included) we would assume there would be other desserts and trifle is just one of them. Therefore, "Bring trifle," literally means, "bring trifle."

This year-just be specific. "Bring three trifles, and enough biscuits to feed the five thousand."

Since you've said she's not difficult, is this really all about trifle? Seriously, OP? You would want to exclude someone from Christmas because they didn't bring enough trifle when you didn't specify how much to bring. (Again, many people would make the natural, common sense assumption that all 14 guests aren't going to be tucking into trifle and would either 1) abstain from dessert 2) choose something else).

It just seems quite mean-spirited. Yes, she could improve her contribution, no doubt-this could be easily resolved with a bit of clear communication.

It seems like you've assumed that once your DMIL passed, your obligation to continue the tradition of hosting (or indeed, your DM hosting) your SIL would come to a natural end and now that it hasn't-you're annoyed, but short of trifle and no invite to a birthday celebration, you're not really offering much in the way of explanation as to why.

Christmas is one of those times of year where most people spend it with family. As she's single, her family is her DB and by extension, you. Yes, she has her other DB who isn't bothered-and her nieces-but maybe they've not invited her. She has friends-but again, Christmas tends to be a time for family for most people.

If I were your DH, I don't know if I'd be too happy to be with someone who would happily exclude my sibling from Christmas (short of a very good reason to do so).

Well, that's just not clear! If you told me to bring a trifle, I'd bring a singular trifle, assuming it was PART of pudding. I'd think some of the other 14 guests may be bringing food and drink.

I think you're being a bit of a bitch to be honest OP. She's lost both of her parents and doesnt have a partner or children. She brings a pudding, wine and biscuits. Cut her some slack.

Some people just seem to be oblivious as to social niceties and perpetually turn up empty handed and never host. In my family, the ones who do that are younger and have always been treated as "the kids" but now they're adults with their own kids, it does grate.

I'm definitely all for the proscriptive "please bring x quantity of y" (probably specifying what quality is required too!!) but I do think it would be reasonable if someone pointed out the effort and cost of hosting and suggested a gift for your mum. I'm not suggesting an itemised bill and gift to the equivalent value, but some acknowledgment that she is being welcomed into your mum's home would be appropriate.

But Is everyone else bringing a hostess gift? The other 12 people? Or are they bringing a gift for their mum /gran and getting one back?

If you read all OP's posts, it is clear that it is more about the treatment of her mum by her SIL than the trifle.

In all the years that OP's mum has hosted her, SIL has never once brought her a gift to thank her for her hospitality or even a Christmas present.

SIL recently had a birthday event and she invited all her friends and family. She did not invite OP's mum. All the posters that are saying that it is unfair not to invite SIL as she obviously considers OP's mum as family, are ignoring the fact that SIL only considers OP's mum as family when she expects an invitation at Christmas, not when she is hosting her own event.

If you’ve asked her to bring a trifle/a dessert she will bring one. If you ask her to bring dessert for everybody she will presumably do that. I can’t believe after 23 years no one has brought anything else to supplement her anticipated singular dessert bringing, or (😱) corrected this misunderstanding so that ppl aren’t allocated one spoonful each and every xmas?

It sounds like she’s being set up for a fall so that ppl can participate in the annual eye rolling and bitch about her when she isn’t in the room/has gone home. I can’t think why this would have been allowed to continue every year other than ppl secretly enjoy it.

Come on OP. This is pretty lame. Why can’t someone fetch and return her like you do your SIL? Or meet her before she has to go up your drive and swap so your or your husband drives her car the last few seconds? Is it really that difficult to work out a way around this minor obstacle so she doesn’t have to host the whole of Xmas day at her house?

Wow. I can’t believe she’s not only inviting herself but a friend also. Take the reins form your poor mum and tell her you’re speaking on her behalf, but as she is well aware, the space is not massive and there’s no way you can accommodate an extra (uninvited) guest. This would be poor form for a sibling to do, let alone a rarely seen cousin! The front!

Also - to add she should stop texting your mum directly about this issue as you’d already explained she has anxiety issues and this places her in a really unnecessarily awkward position

I get the feeling that quite a few posters on this thread have never dealt with a tight-wad relative over the course of several decades.

I have. You can drop the most massive hint and the guilty party will disappear for 20 minutes, until the trip to the supermarket has departed...
I did type out a ten minute rant, but deleted it as being too outing.

Suffice it to say that I have some tightwad (and minted) ILs. They have driven me fucking crazy over the years, not just because we have ended up subsidising them at family events, but because less well-off members of the family have too.

It is not pretty lame!
You have not seen my drive nor have you seen my mum and her limited mobility!
We have asked her several times.
She doesn't feel safe on my drive, even offering both of her sons on either side, she doesn't want to go down it in the dark. Shall I force her?

Agree. Unless you actually grow some balls and say no then you can’t complain!