To think needing 9 hours solid sleep to function is ridiculous

[NightFeeds]

That’s it really. Life feels like it is ruled by DH needing 9 hours sleep a night to function. No time for downtime after DC bedtime as it’s then his bedtime. Any disturbances and he’s ruined for days. I can’t compute but realise I’m probably being horrible and this is just a normal need I need to be more respectful of. I’d like to know what is considered normal by others

Reading your other posts, I'd say 9pm is very early for a youngish adult man.
If he's up just after 6, he ought to be able to stay awake to 10pm or even 10.30

This makes you sound like a waitress.
The main source of frustration for me is DH acts like he wants downtime he will ask for dessert or a glass of wine and pop the TV on and I will be lulled into chilling out and then 10 minutes later he will snap it off and be like “bedtime!

Do you trot around after him providing for his every whim?
Can't be get his onw pudding and wine?

What job does he do and how long is his commute? One of my family members is a teacher with at least an hour’s drive at both ends of the day. They go to bed around 9.30 and get up at 6 at the latest. They wouldn’t want to be doing all that driving on not enough sleep.

I’m surprised at the OP really. Early to bed and early to rise is generally regarded as the virtuous sleep pattern. Night owls who sleep late in the morning usually receive most of the hate.

I'm also a 9 hour person, but it doesn't mean my DH would have to do all the night wakings.

Heck, my Dad even did 50:50 night wakings back in the 80s because he's not a selfish arse!

I can't get over him turning the TV off and announcing bed time! Is he really turning it off while you're watching?!

Also - is he actually going straight to sleep? He's not just scrolling on how phone for an hour? I'd say if he's not falling straight to sleep he doesn't necessarily need the sleep as much because if he was tired he'd be asleep before his head hit the pillow.

These are long days, how many days a week? Is it a long commute or long shifts? What is he doing?

Sleeping too long is a risk for strokes, believe it or not.

I think the sleep medics say that between 6 to 8 hours is best.

Anyone like the OP's H needing over 9 hours needs to have a medical IMO to check they've not got any issues going on.

I think it's odd and it would piss me off. Does he expect you to go to bed at 9pm with him? That's a child's bedtime and getting up at 6.15 isn't even ridiculously early.

So you never go out in the evening for a drink/meal/cinema, don't go to the gym or any classes, or take the kids out late? What about when he's on holiday?

If he needs it, he needs it. People have different sleep requirements.

People can adjust their sleep patterns.

Extending your 'going to bed time' by half an hour gradually can work.

I think if he gets up at 6.15, actually going to sleep at 10pm or even 10.30 is reasonable.

I need about 9. With age I've become completely incapable of functioning beyond 9PM. I can happily fall asleep earlier when DC allow.

It might be reasonable for you but 9 hours is within the bounds of normal and he doesn’t function well on less so it’s not reasonable for him.

He's out of the house a long time.

My ExH worked similar hours except he left at 5am back by 7pm.

He would do stuff in the evenings but wouldn't usually bother coming home - so if we went out to choir rehearsal or cinema or whatever he'd get a sandwich on the train and we'd meet in town.

You have a 3yo, and yes as they get older they will do activities that start to go into the evening - rainbows or beavers that finish at 6, cubs or brownies that finish at 7 etc, but these will be after school and start earlier that your dh gets home.

My ExH was never home early enough to do any of the chauffeuring around for our kids until they got significantly older because he wasn't home until 7, or 7:30 or 8 if the trains were delayed.

He slept in on weekends, usually until noon or 2pm.

My ex partner needed to go to sleep absolutely by 10 at the latest and got up at 7/7.15. Without this he was also tired for days and also he would sleep in the day some time too.

I think some men are like this. I have other male friends too who literally get home, eat then have a bath and are in bed tucked up going to sleep by 9.

Personally I like it because I'm a morning person. I also need to go to sleep at that sort of time if possible.

We had a young child. Her bedtime was bath 6.30/6.45, story and song afterwards, asleep by around 7.30. Then there was maybe a bit of time downstairs and we were usually in bed ourselves by 8.30. Then you get up to an hour just together, that's the downtime together. Then sleep.

I found that routine very good. Maybe it's something you could consider?

Why does he turn the tv off? Do you go to bed at the same time?

Op - is he generally healthy? Does he exercise?

Is he overweight? He sounds quite' sluggish'. Does he have energy?

Seriously, if he's in bed and asleep by 9pm I'd be suggesting he goes to his GP for a man-check up!

Unless he's working in a hugely physical or high powered job, where he's pushed to the limits, it's odd he needs to be asleep by 9.

People really fetishise sleep in our culture at the moment and, don't get me wrong, sleep is important, but there's a lot of silly neurosis about it.

I have a friend who insists on leaving social events at 9pm because she claims she won't get her 8 hours without it. It's ridiculous and it makes her look like a complete drama queen. Yes its important to regularly get a decent sleep but no one died from having slightly less than the optimal number of hours and the upside of having a bit more fun occasionally but only getting 6 hours vastly outweighs the marginal benefit of hitting a perfect 9 every night.

I actually think getting more than about 8 hours a night regularly isn't great: you teach your body to be very dependent on sleep and need more and more of it to function, making you lethargic and listless.

Has he been like this since you met him, or has this somehow developed as his job has got more demanding/commute longer or something?

What is he doing that keeps him out of the home till 7pm as standard, and up again at 6:15? Does he work in a safety-critical environment where fatigue is very strictly monitored and could have serious consequences (manufacturing, construction, driving, surgeon, pilot type thing?)

If not, could he work from home sometimes and maybe benefit from not having the commute?

To be honest he sounds like a total bore.

To answer your question, DH and I work in reasonably high pressure city type jobs. We go to bed between 11 and 12 and get up at 7. DS is 8 and goes to sleep about 8:30/9. That gives us plenty of time to spend together in the evening. And DH is fully involved in evening bedtime routine for DS, and does half the school runs.

Except he chose to be a parent - he can't just opt out because he'd rather sleep!

For comparison, my DH had a senior managerial role with lots of overseas travel.

His usual bedtime was 10-30-11pm.
Up at 7am. Out of the house by 7.45. In the office by 8.30.
Home usually at 7pm. Dinner at 7.30.

How nice for him. Sounds like a very handy excuse to opt out in my mind but I guess it could be true. I need 7 hours and I’m entirely functional. 6 hours and I’m grouchy.

I once taught a module on sleep as part of an undergraduate course, and different people have different sleep needs. Obviously it’s different if you think he’s taking the piss, but in my family we need a lot of sleep and I don’t function well without 8-9 hours. So yes I think YABU. Can you do some reading about sleep debt?

If he needs extra sleep then that's fair enough, but as it makes the evening tight for time how is that stuff handled? Who gets the 3 year old ready for bed, who makes dinner, who does the packed lunches? Do tasks end up with you because he's gone to bed?

Also, is he one of those people who complain if you go to bed later than them because then it 'disturbs' them when you come in?

The Netflix series is the easiest bit to resolve. I'd pick something I liked to watch in the week by myself, and a weekend series that we watched together.

My daughter has ADHD and spends her whole school day masking. When she gets home she is EXHAUSTED. Her behaviour is awful if she doesn’t get enough sleep as she just can’t function. We are aware of this and try hard not to have two consecutive late nights (or at least be prepared to put up with consequences if we do).

People have different needs to get by and it sounds like your situation is one of them.

@coffeesaveslives

Except he chose to be a parent - he can't just opt out because he'd rather sleep!

I agree. I find sleep bores really self-indulgent and I have very little time for it.

If you have small kids or a demanding job there are times when you have to go without for a night or two. It won't kill you and you're not entitled to 9 hours. Man up and deal with it.

I need my 9 hours. In bed by 9:30pm
and up at 7:30am. It does eat into our evening sometimes if DS (2.5) won’t settle and isn’t asleep until gone 8:30pm with his “distractions”, as I like to go up at 9pm if I can so I can read for a bit and wind down without the TV on. I can function - and do function (I have a toddler so 9:30pm bedtimes and no nighttime wake ups aren’t guarenteed) - on less but I’m definitely not at my best, struggle to concentrate at work and am in bed even earlier the next night! On weekends I might stay up and watch a film with DH but even he’s said it’s not worth it next day when I’m knackered and napping with my toddler! I’ve had everything checked at GP etc (this only started after I had my DS as before I could function on 6 hrs sleep and go to work at the crack of dawn) but all fine - just getting older and not in my 20s anymore! DH couldn’t be more opposite to me - never in bed before midnight, usually 1am, up watching football or box sets/taking work calls, sometimes falls asleep on the couch and can spend a whole uncomfortable night down there, and is up and raring to go for work. Everyone’s different.

It's hardly compatible with family life though is it the dad checks out at 9pm every night.

It's going to be hell when their kids are teens and need ferrying here, there and everywhere.

You can train your body to need less sleep and we're only talking here of 8 hrs instead of 9.

Why can't he manage 10pm?