To think needing 9 hours solid sleep to function is ridiculous

[NightFeeds]

That’s it really. Life feels like it is ruled by DH needing 9 hours sleep a night to function. No time for downtime after DC bedtime as it’s then his bedtime. Any disturbances and he’s ruined for days. I can’t compute but realise I’m probably being horrible and this is just a normal need I need to be more respectful of. I’d like to know what is considered normal by others

This would make me ill. Going to bed at 8.30 every night would leave me lying awake until the early hours every night. You can't force yourself to sleep more hours than you need.

But OP isn’t complaining about his parenting; She wants some down time with him in the evening. Whilst I agree it must be a bit sad to miss out on that time together, it doesn’t sound like he’d be good company if he’s tired. Unfortunately I think she needs to accept he needs more sleep than her and adjust her expectations.

we do the weeknight / weekend Netflix divide! I like to be in bed by 10.30, dh stays up till 1am often. So he has separate programmes he watches on his own with a glass of wine after I’ve gone to bed

Exactly this - I’d love 9 hours a night but I have small children (including a 3 year old who wakes up at night like OPs). Not sure why her husband gets a free pass because he “needs his sleep”. If as a young(ish) healthy adult it takes you days to recover from one slightly shorter sleep then I think a trip to the GP is necessary because I don’t think that’s normal.

I thought people needed between 7 to 9 hours sleep, with 8 being the average?

I operate the same as your husband. However, what’s all this bollocks about turning the tv off when he’s ready for bed? Are you not permitted to carry on watching, stay up without him?

That is rather odd and I wouldn’t stand for it.

I sleep from 11-7 so 8 hours...but it's not enough and every few days, it gets on top of me and I need a daytime nap or a very early night. On the weekends I sleep solidly until 10am often. I feel absolutely dreadful if I don't sleep enough and honestly can barely function

It’s totally normal !

look up the sleep expert Matthew walker ….

How did he manage when the kids were babies and nobody got any sleep?

It's also pretty shit if they never have any time together dues to him buggering off to bed constantly. Imagine he likes to sleep 9 hours and needs to be up by 6 . That's needing to be ASLEEP ( not just getting into bed) at 9pm. .So in bed at 8.30.

So say both people home from work at 5.30/6. By the time eaten dinner and sorted kids there's absolutely NO time together.

Why even be married or in a relationship?

I actually think it’s the other way around, so many people think it’s a weird cool thing to not need sleep.

”teaching your body ti be very dependant on sleep”? That’s just fucking nuts, it’s literally like saying you’re teaching your body to need food and water. Sleep is a basic biological need and 9 hours is within the boundary of normal. He’s not sleeping 20 hours a day.

Getting less sleep than you need consistently is very detrimental to your physical health.

I've focused on improving my sleep. Hot bath at 9. Bed by 10, lights out 10.30.
Up at either 7.15 office days or 8.45 wfh days.
Absolute game changer but I see it as bit of a luxury and the benefit of no longer having kids I have to get up.
It's a bit odd not being able to actually cope with a bit less sleep every now and again

I suspect we know the answer to that..

I've always needed a lot of sleep. Assumed it was due to autoimmune - diabetes as a baby. I can sleep for England, and often jump back into bed through choice. If anyone gave me any inkling that they objected to my choice of how many hours sleep I got, they'd get a short sharp shrift!

I get 7 or 7.5 hours sleep 😴
I can’t get to bed any earlier because I have too many late evening chores ( folding tumble drying / dry clothes , putting dishwasher on , making sure dog has last wee , locking up house , sometimes running broom / mop over floor ) then I do my own sleep routine and my autistic youngest daughter stays up later and starts asking very involved questions when I’d actually like to be heading to bed .
9 hours sounds like a lot of sleep to me ?
maybe that’s just him , maybe he needs a check up ?

I can’t believe (and am quite jealous) of those of you who just seem to be able to manifest the amount of hours sleep you want. I’ve been to work on zero hours sleep more than once-5 or 6 hours for me would be a dream!

This is similar to my DH who needs a nap when he gets in from work and also at the weekends.

It feels like when we go out for the day at weekends he’s rushing us so he can get back for his nap, but he can’t seem to cope without them (and his moods when tired affect us all).

Even if he did turn out to have a medical condition that impacts sleep (and there are a LOT of them) there is often very little the doctors can do about it.

My DD has an autoimmune condition. She needs more sleep than most people. If she doesn't get it then she struggles to put sentences together, forgets to do anything and is visibly impaired.

She doesn't have plans to have children for obvious reasons.

It's fine to prefer 9 hours of sleep. It's not fine to pretend he needs it as an excuse to opt out of parenting and, by the sounds of it, time with his spouse. I think a 9pm bedtime every single day is a bit absurd to be honest.

I’m a bit like that. They are investigating but if Ive not had enough sleep or get too tired then I’m bone crushingly exhausted. I get this strange pressure feeling at the bottom of my ribs only on the front, pain in upper right abdomen. I go corpse coloured not just white but blue round the edges. I recover well overnight and next day I’m fine until I run out of energy.

It maybe normal but the point is it's buggering up their relationship.

My question is if he's been like this from the word 'go' when they met.

Surely there is room for compromise?

He should be able to cope on a bit less without feeling knackered.

If this is something 'new' I'd be questioning if a) he's checking out of the relationship in a PA way or b) he's got undiagnosed health issues like diabetes or BP issue if he's always tired.

I think it’s normal as per NHS sleep guidelines albeit on the upper range of what’s considered normal and i’m someone who does well on 7.5 hours but I understand we are all different.

If he was like that when you met him I guess it’s just one of those things you signed up to accept .

I would probably not be keen to get with someone who was really rigid about needing 9 hours sleep to function. It may well be a genuine need which is not their fault, but I’d find it exhausting being the one to have to do everything if they fell short of the golden 9 hours.

Personally I feel best with a similiar amount of sleep. I can do well on less uin summer but in winter my body likes around 9-10 hours.

However, I don't normally get that amount during the week and I still get on with my life. Does he still help you if he's tired? He sounds a bit wet.

Omg people can be such little wankers about needing a lot of sleep, it’s not really something you can control! Whenever there’s a thread about it people try and say there’s something wrong with individuals who need more than 8 hours.

I need 9 hours minimum and that is still true having had a baby who is now a toddler. Sometimes I’ll stay up a bit later so that I can have some quality adult time but it makes me really tired and grouchy for the next few days. I think I need more sleep in winter. If it’s dark then we should be asleep imo 😂

Totally agree.

8-9 hours sleep is my perfect amount and when I feel at my best. Unfortunately usually only get 6-7 but I do feel the difference