To think needing 9 hours solid sleep to function is ridiculous

[NightFeeds]

That’s it really. Life feels like it is ruled by DH needing 9 hours sleep a night to function. No time for downtime after DC bedtime as it’s then his bedtime. Any disturbances and he’s ruined for days. I can’t compute but realise I’m probably being horrible and this is just a normal need I need to be more respectful of. I’d like to know what is considered normal by others

She could go to bed with him?

I prefer 8 and can function on less. He has little children. He just needs to deal with less sleep like everyone else.

You haven’t said if he eats healthily and exercises. I fine if you’re in reasonable shape you can function on less sleep. He sounds like he’s taking advantage. Like so many men do.

Is it just luck that he needs more sleep and therefore you’re the one who has to cope with less? I think not.

Having different sleep needs is normal but I'd see the gp for a health mot just to make sure there is nothing underlying.

Any disturbances and he’s ruined for days

Are you having to tip-toe around so not to disturb him?

Little one is 3 now and tends to wake once in the night which I deal with

I'm guessing this has always been the case?

He is BVU if his rigidity about it means that you're the one who has to deal with everything that occurs between 9 and 6:15 and can't relax in your own home.

Why should she? Fine if she might want to read a book but otherwise it’s just lying next to someone asleep and not wanting to disturb them.

Unless I’m ill, if I went to bed at 9pm it would be a waste of my evening, and would also make it really hard for me to get to sleep.

The other factor is, how alert and on-it does he have to be in the day?

My optimum is 7 hours, I've never slept more than 8. I can still function on a lot less (and can even still pull the occasional all-nighter like in my 20s) but it won't be pretty. A full-on working day involving social interaction, concentration, meetings? I'm firmly ringfencing my 7 hours. A slow working day that I can guarantee goes on autopilot? That's why I went to an all-night election party in July.

To be honest, left to my own device, I'd sleep 9-10h to be my best, happiest self. But, I have a 4yo and a 6mo so that's just not possible, and it's more like 5-6h of broken sleep. That's just how life is with young kids, I'm afraid. I think you could both compromise and get a little bit more time together in the eve, maybe like 1h. So you'd pick DC up form nursery closer to 5-5.30pm so they could go to bed closer to 7-7.30, and DH gos to bed closer to 9.30pn so it'd only be 1/2h less than he'd like, but I'm sure his grown ass can handle that (if I can handle 4h shaven off my sleep 🙄).

A glass of wine before bed would make me feel like I needed more sleep! That’s madness if he’s a big sleeper.

I just feel like other people manage to go to work, the gym, have hobbies, have a mid week social life etc and we can’t even manage to watch a Netflix series in the week.

You can still do all those things, just not with your DH. Go out and have a mid week social life, find a hobby, join a gym, watch a series by yourself. Unless he’s stopping you, I’m not really seeing the issue?

As I've said, I think he should do his fair share of might wakings - it shouldn't all fall to you.

What else are you picking up as a result of him taking himself off to bed early? I think it's fine to need more sleep, but that isn't a get out of jail free card that allows him to opt out of doing his fair share of the work.

Why does it annoy you so much? Just let him go to bed and do your own thing?

Everyone is different. I need more uninterrupted sleep than my husband and really feel it if I don’t. We also have small children so I don’t always get it, but boy I notice a difference when I do.

Read a book in bed. With a light on. Perish the thought 😂😂🫣🫣 his brain would explode if the reading light was on keeping him up

Depends what you mean by “function”. I need nine hours to feel ok. But I can struggle on with less, and very often do it’s just that I feel like shit. So many people have chronic low mood and stress that seeps into family relationships - I can fix it all by just getting enough sleep do why wouldn’t I when I can?

You're saying he wants 9 hours in bed rather than 9 hours actual sleep. I think this is reasonable - it takes a bit of time to fall asleep then he may wake briefly in the night or wake before his alarm goes off. So he's probably getting 8-8.5 hours sleep which is well within the normal range.

Does he have a long commute, if he has to get up at 6.15 and isn't home until 7? That's tiring too.

Graves Disease. In fact, when I was in flare it was amazing because it was like being on steroids, I was racing around the place... also shaking and losing weight and hair, mind, but hey, energy! 😄

I dunno, I think it's unusual to need that much sleep. Of course very usual to prefer it, but to be so rigid about it and to be "ruined for days" if he gets less or is disturbed...that seems to me like it's a sign of either an underlying health issue or that his treating his wants as needs.

Have you spoken to him about how you feel?

Oh, OP, I feel for you. I have a similar thing. I often struggle to sleep but lots of things that help me get to sleep disturb DH, including a reading light. I do use a Kindle now though. Not that I’m suggesting you want to spend every evening in the dark from 9pm reading a Kindle silently.

I get 8 hours and it doesn't feel enough - think i need 3 weeks

Perfectly normal. I’m fine on about 6 hours, I’ve never needed much. DH needs more than me and that’s fine. Presumably you knew this before you got married and had kids sooooo……

So he gets up at 6.15am and is out all day until 7pm. What time do you get up and then get home in the evening? Why is he out so late?
My DH goes to bed at 8pm from Sunday to Wednesday as he starts work at 6am Monday to Thursday. At the weekend he stays up much later so we do have time together. He only works part time so is home by 2pm on work days. He does his share of jobs round the house when he gets home so that on the days I work I come home to a lovely tidy house, all laundry done, and tea prepped.
However, when DC were little and we both worked PT, we were like ships that pass in the night! Sleep was crucial and we took turns to have a lie in at the weekends.

The issue here is not how much sleep he needs but maybe your lack of understanding.

What time do your kids go to bed?

I can warn you that when they are teens, you're likely to be in bed long before they are.

I need about 8 hours, can manage on 7-ish but feel crap on less.

I'm in bed between 10.30-11pm and awake by around 6.30 but get up at 7.30, maybe a bit earlier in summer.

I often have disrupted sleep as I take a senior dog out for a wee in the early hours. Can't use a dog flap as he's bigger than me!

I always have a nap or around 20/30 minutes later on in the day and then feel fantastic.

Me too…9 hours and I feel great. Less than that, I’m catching up on sleep on the weekends.

I also need about 9 hours. I sleep 10.30pm to 7.30am in the week. At the weekend I go to bed much later and usually have an hours nap in the afternoon to make up for it. This is how I have been most of my life. When I had young babies (twins who slept poorly) I just about coped but it was hell.