Page 3 | To think needing 9 hours solid sleep to function is ridiculous

NightFeeds · 2024-11-20T07:47:41+00:00

That’s it really. Life feels like it is ruled by DH needing 9 hours sleep a night to function. No time for downtime after DC bedtime as it’s then his bedtime. Any disturbances and he’s ruined for days. I can’t compute but realise I’m probably being horrible and this is just a normal need I need to be more respectful of. I’d like to know what is considered normal by others

CovertPiggery · 20/11/2024 08:18

Ygfrhj · 20/11/2024 08:01

Everyone has different sleep needs and sleep is incredibly important to general health so you shouldn't try and police his sleeping.

Although if he's leaving all the kids' wake ups to you that's not fair as you also need sleep, albeit less than he does.

I agree if he's not doing his fair share, he needs to step up.

lechatnoir · 20/11/2024 08:21

Squidgemoon · 20/11/2024 07:57

How does anyone who needs 9 hours sleep have a social life? Surely that means you can’t go out for dinner or drinks with friends ever, unless you have no kids and can lie in the next day?

I get between 6.5 and 7 hours most nights, which isn’t really enough but I can’t deal with going to bed at the same time as my DS.

Ditto. I'm sure I'd feel and look better on more sleep but wouldn't ever get anything done or have a life if I had 9 hours sleep a night.

I'm honestly staggered people routinely have this much sleep.

LozzaChops101 · 20/11/2024 08:21

I think everyone’s different with this. I’ve always been rubbish at sleeping and it can feel VISCERALLY (😅) annoying when everyone else in the house is unconscious for hours, but it’s better than people being completely dysfunctional because they’re tired. I quite like the alone time now though tbh.

teatoast8 · 20/11/2024 08:22

Totally normal

CarrotPencil · 20/11/2024 08:23

Yes 9 is ideal for me! Generally doesn’t happen though as I’d have to go to bed at 9. Apparently generally men need less.

LightHorse · 20/11/2024 08:23

NightFeeds · 20/11/2024 08:18

Thank you that’s all really helpful perspective. Little one is 3 now and tends to wake once in the night which I deal with.

DH gets home around 7 and wants to be in bed by 9 to get up at 6:15. Just makes the evening very tight after dinner, making packed lunches. 3YO tends to go to bed around 7:30 but will take until 8 to go down, (hard to go earlier as nursery pick up isn’t until 6 and he’s often in need of a snack and a bath).

The main source of frustration for me is DH acts like he wants downtime he will ask for dessert or a glass of wine and pop the TV on and I will be lulled into chilling out and then 10 minutes later he will snap it off and be like “bedtime!”. Feels like a waste of money and calories to have a treat just to gobble it and fall asleep near instantly afterwards. I think I will learn to sit these out and just go read a book elsewhere or something.

I think I just need to write off any expectations of having shared leisure time in the week and then try to maximise it at the weekend.

I just feel like other people manage to go to work, the gym, have hobbies, have a mid week social life etc and we can’t even manage to watch a Netflix series in the week. Feels a bit defeatist and a bit lonely.

But I realise I’m in the minority and I’ll aim to alter my expectations as that is the point of asking you all what was normal :)

That does sound hard when you explain it like that actually, like there is no flexibility there at all. I like 9, but can settle for less for a few nights and catch up another, and am willing to sacrifice a few hours to go out to the cinema etc.

Your DH does sound very routine based. He is doing very long days though, is there the change this?

1WanderingWomble · 20/11/2024 08:24

I'm like this. Everyone's different 🤷‍♀️

Hoglet70 · 20/11/2024 08:25

I seriously need that amount of sleep. I go to bed early and get up early. I stay up late at weekends. I think it's normal to value your sleep.

EmmaEmEmz · 20/11/2024 08:27

I need 9 hours. I might sleep a longer time but I don't sleep deeply

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 20/11/2024 08:27

I wish I’d actually manage to stay asleep for 9 hours. That’s something I’d manage if extremely sleep deprived or ill…

But 9 hours of “bedtime” as in getting ready for bed (brushing teeth, showering), getting in bed, winding down etc seems extremely reasonable to me. It’s what I need to get about 7:30-ish hours of sleep.

augustusglupe · 20/11/2024 08:27

I’ve been a sleeper ever since I was a child.
I need 9 hours to feel my best but can get by on 7 or 8.
Ive always been the same, I suppose the difference would be if it’s a new thing, then he should see the GP.

DataPup · 20/11/2024 08:27

What time does he leave the house if he gets up at 6.15? If he's out the house 12 hours a day 7-7 that's half the issue.

Legoninjago1 · 20/11/2024 08:28

It's not 'ridiculous' no. It's what he needs. I need around 8 to feel optimal and few nights of much less definitely affects me quite badly.

EnterFunnyNameHere · 20/11/2024 08:28

Why does he need to be up so early? I think the 9 hours sleep isn't really the issue so much as the 9pm bedtime (which is on the early side).

If it's because he's at work for very long hours,is it possible to change that for something closer to home/shorter working day?

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 20/11/2024 08:28

DataPup · 20/11/2024 08:27

What time does he leave the house if he gets up at 6.15? If he's out the house 12 hours a day 7-7 that's half the issue.

Edited

Agree. And what does he do for work?

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 20/11/2024 08:28

I’m almost too envious to type. 9 hours!! I’m lucky to get 6. It yes it’s normal for some people

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 20/11/2024 08:29

LightHorse · 20/11/2024 08:17

This is normal for me, but it also varies according to activity in life. If I started a new job for example and was taking in lots of new information then I might need even more, but during a very relaxed phase (on holiday for example) then I might need less.

My DH would never complain about my bedtime, why on earth would he resent the sleep I need to be healthy and happy?!

Yes, I have lived with far fewer hours, of course, as a mother with a few DC. I didn’t feel good on it though.

Is your DH neurodivergent by any chance? I have ADHD and a lot of neurodivergent people I’ve met need more sleep than is average (as adults, not necessarily as children).

As an aside, people often tell me I look much younger than I am, and question me about it. The only thing I can think of is that I prioritise sleep 😄

Lol. I have adhd and I've always assumed that that's why I seem to be able to function with very little sleep!

Neurodivergence certainly affects sleep patterns. It just doesn't affect all of us in the same way!

I don't think it even matters why the OP's DH needs more sleep. The fact is, he has identified that he needs 9 hours to feel at his best. I don't know why the OP can't just respect that.

BrunetteHarpy · 20/11/2024 08:30

NightFeeds · 20/11/2024 08:18

Thank you that’s all really helpful perspective. Little one is 3 now and tends to wake once in the night which I deal with.

DH gets home around 7 and wants to be in bed by 9 to get up at 6:15. Just makes the evening very tight after dinner, making packed lunches. 3YO tends to go to bed around 7:30 but will take until 8 to go down, (hard to go earlier as nursery pick up isn’t until 6 and he’s often in need of a snack and a bath).

The main source of frustration for me is DH acts like he wants downtime he will ask for dessert or a glass of wine and pop the TV on and I will be lulled into chilling out and then 10 minutes later he will snap it off and be like “bedtime!”. Feels like a waste of money and calories to have a treat just to gobble it and fall asleep near instantly afterwards. I think I will learn to sit these out and just go read a book elsewhere or something.

I think I just need to write off any expectations of having shared leisure time in the week and then try to maximise it at the weekend.

I just feel like other people manage to go to work, the gym, have hobbies, have a mid week social life etc and we can’t even manage to watch a Netflix series in the week. Feels a bit defeatist and a bit lonely.

But I realise I’m in the minority and I’ll aim to alter my expectations as that is the point of asking you all what was normal :)

Why is he turning off the tv at his bedtime if you’re planning to stay up and potentially watch something?

HarrietBond · 20/11/2024 08:30

That does sound very lonely. Has this need for sleep got greater as he’s got older? Does he need to be awake at 6am or could it be shifted to 10-7 maybe?

I can probably count the number of times I’ve slept that long as an adult on my fingers but I realise some people genuinely need it to function. But I’m having to try very hard to imagine a life with so much time spent asleep. DH and I only manage an hour or so most weeknights but it does make a big difference at the end of the day to have that time together.

CovertPiggery · 20/11/2024 08:31

NightFeeds · 20/11/2024 08:18

Thank you that’s all really helpful perspective. Little one is 3 now and tends to wake once in the night which I deal with.

DH gets home around 7 and wants to be in bed by 9 to get up at 6:15. Just makes the evening very tight after dinner, making packed lunches. 3YO tends to go to bed around 7:30 but will take until 8 to go down, (hard to go earlier as nursery pick up isn’t until 6 and he’s often in need of a snack and a bath).

The main source of frustration for me is DH acts like he wants downtime he will ask for dessert or a glass of wine and pop the TV on and I will be lulled into chilling out and then 10 minutes later he will snap it off and be like “bedtime!”. Feels like a waste of money and calories to have a treat just to gobble it and fall asleep near instantly afterwards. I think I will learn to sit these out and just go read a book elsewhere or something.

I think I just need to write off any expectations of having shared leisure time in the week and then try to maximise it at the weekend.

I just feel like other people manage to go to work, the gym, have hobbies, have a mid week social life etc and we can’t even manage to watch a Netflix series in the week. Feels a bit defeatist and a bit lonely.

But I realise I’m in the minority and I’ll aim to alter my expectations as that is the point of asking you all what was normal :)

It's not fair that you do all the night wakings.

How has that been put on you?

asrl78 · 20/11/2024 08:31

Theunamedcat · 20/11/2024 08:00

Except it seems it's revolving around him and his needs

Show quote history

Well it will if it is a biological thing he cannot control and he needs 9 hours sleep to function properly the next day. No different to anyone who has a medical condition, you have to adapt to their needs if you are in a relationship with them.

Nannyfannybanny · 20/11/2024 08:31

It's amazing how different people are. On another thread, woman complaining her DH doesn't do a night feed for baby. My DH is physically ill if he doesn't get around 8 hours,he's been retired a couple of years, but still goes to bed at 9 ,up before 5, which was his working pattern. I've never slept 8 hours in my life. I worked nights for over 30 years,if I was lucky, I slept 3 hours in the day, I just couldn't sleep any longer. I think I run in caveman mode. In the summer inspire of blackout blinds and an eye mask,I'm awake by 4, when it's light. I'm happy, and healthy on 5 hours, and it's not in one stretch (bladder prolapse gets me up) I've tried going back to sleep, and I feel absolutely dreadful, like I've been beaten up and drugged!

Original poster

NightFeeds · 20/11/2024 08:32

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 20/11/2024 08:29

Lol. I have adhd and I've always assumed that that's why I seem to be able to function with very little sleep!

Neurodivergence certainly affects sleep patterns. It just doesn't affect all of us in the same way!

I don't think it even matters why the OP's DH needs more sleep. The fact is, he has identified that he needs 9 hours to feel at his best. I don't know why the OP can't just respect that.

Show quote history

Without wishing to come across as argumentative I would say I am respectful of his need to sleep. I’m letting him have the sleep. I’m just frustrated by the knock on impact of it to our personal interactions and the reliance on me to pick up anything which would impact him.

I’m finding it very helpful to hear it’s normal I come from a family where sleep past about 7 hours is seen as effectively “lazy” and I’m trying to change my mentality

OP posts:

CurlewKate · 20/11/2024 08:32

@NightFeeds "DH gets home around 7 and wants to be in bed by 9 to get up at 6:15."

So he has a 2 hour evening? I just don't think that's sustainable. And why does he turn the TV off and say "bedtime!". Is he expecting you to go with him? How are you going to manage with a new baby? And it won't be long before your older child is doing activities which means he won't be home til later-what happens if he's "ruined for days" because he has to pick up from Cubs then do bedtime because you're busy with the baby?

DancingLions · 20/11/2024 08:32

I used to manage on 7 in the week but then weekends I could end up sleeping 11 or 12 hours! Now I get around 8.5 every night, same at weekends. I think for me it's much healthier.

So if he was also lying in for hours on weekends, then yes that would be annoying and concerning. But if he sticks to the same sleep on those nights also then it's clearly what he needs. I can understand it's frustrating for you though when you just want some company.