To think needing 9 hours solid sleep to function is ridiculous

[NightFeeds]

That’s it really. Life feels like it is ruled by DH needing 9 hours sleep a night to function. No time for downtime after DC bedtime as it’s then his bedtime. Any disturbances and he’s ruined for days. I can’t compute but realise I’m probably being horrible and this is just a normal need I need to be more respectful of. I’d like to know what is considered normal by others

I need to sleep from 9:00 pm until 7:00 am.
That is more than 9 hours. Always have needed that.
If I have days of less sleep I do have to stop and catch up as I just crash.
Two of my children have always needed similar hours of sleep.

Everyone has different sleep needs and sleep is incredibly important to general health so you shouldn't try and police his sleeping.

Although if he's leaving all the kids' wake ups to you that's not fair as you also need sleep, albeit less than he does.

10.30-7.30 say doesn't sound crazy. It's hard when dc start staying up as late as you/him so I do get your need to have some downtime after that.

How old is he op?

I’ve managed with different levels at different times of my life - anything from 7 to 9 hours on average.

I could once pull all-nighters with relative frequency and still be bouncy out at brunch; these days am getting tired by around 6pm, then manage on a “second wind” through the evening 😞

Of course it's normal. Actually, if you read up on sleep habits, you will see that people are getting less sleep compared to past times. Screens and our working patterns have meant sleep times have decreased compared to eg a hundred years ago, and it's not healthy or natural. So many people talk about getting by on six hours a night and needing numerous cups of coffee a day etc. - what's natural about that?

I understand your frustration OP but sleep needs are difficult to change and I think you need to learn to live with it.

My daughter is like this, she always has been from childhood onwards, she needs hours and hours of sleep. And there's no underlying condition causing it, it's just her. My son is the opposite and can manage on 4 hours if necessary. Just to demonstrate that different individuals need different amounts, all normal.

He might have an underlying condition. Less than 8 hours will ruin me for the next day and too many like that will trigger a bipolar episode for me. I ended up with psychosis twice during the baby days because of lack of sleep from too many wake-ups in the nights and DH had to take over the night feeds for me. If your DH needs that much sleep I'd say don't push it, you might not like what happens.

When I was 20-30ish I could cope with about 6 hours sleep. Now I’m in my 40s I need to go to bed around 10pm otherwise I feel awful and grumpy the next day. I know dh struggles with that in a similar way to you as he would ideally like to stay up to 11.30/12 like we used to (he’s younger than me) but I really can’t manage it anymore.

Yes it's normal.

Most people who have small children are sleep deprived and it does have an impact on how they can function,

Some function reasonably well. Others don't.

It's usually easier for younger people to cope with sleep deprivation - lots of stories of early twenties people pulling all nighters for work or going clubbing and then going straight to work.

I had twins at 23 and me and my ExH sorted a shift system so that each of us got at least 6 hours sleep. It made a big difference, but even so I had two minor car accidents when they were under 5 and my ExH regularly fell asleep at work.

People need sleep.

@Bertielong3 - what time do you wake immorally ? 😁

@NightFeeds - I don’t think I’ve ever slept 9 hours in my life! I am happy with 6 hours a night. Of course everyone is different but when you have young DC, the grown ups in the house need to step up and adapt their needs/wants (sleeping and otherwise) to care for the DC.

Most adults realise sleep will be one of the first things to suffer when you have DC. Not being able to function for days after being disturbed sounds a bit pathetic to me and would give me a bit of an ick.

I'm going against the grain and I think that's a LOT for an adult (illness etc aside)
I'm not saying it's not necessarily normal, but I do think if the household is revolving around his sleep requirements then it would frustrate me.
I also think that you can get used to more/less sleep. I sleep a lot less now as a parent than I did pre kids. And my body has got used to that, and now I function on less sleep than I used to. Am that's my new normal.
I don't live with my BF, and quite often he messages me to say good night as he's going up.....about 10 minutes after I've put my 11 year old to bed!

He isn't forcing the OP to spend 9 hours in bed. She can unwind without him, she just doesn't want to.

The DH needs to sleep 9 hours to feel OK. The OP wants him to stay up later. The two are not comparable.

It isn't reasonable to expect someone to compromise their own physical wellbeing to meet your own social needs.

It's on the long side. That in itself isn't so much an issue but being "ruined for days" after any disturbance possibly is. How does he express his ruination? If he's grumpy or lethargic for half the week then yes that's annoying. What does he do to avoid being ruined? Leave the night wakings to you? We all have different sleep needs but if the household is impacted negatively by his that's perhaps something to address.

I need 8 but 9 would be lovely. I can function on less but it aint pretty. We are all different, I doubt he's doing it to piss you off.

I need 8 - 9 hours to feel how I want to feel the next day! I really feel the difference if I don’t get it. In saying that, I don’t have kids, so it’s easy for me to be precious over it.

I think it’s just one of those things where people have very different sleep needs. 9 hours definitely isn’t outwith the normal range, and long term sleep deficiency can be catastrophic from a health perspective.

Is there a way you can shift your timetable around so that he goes to bed later and gets up later on certain days, so you have more time together?

And, importantly, do you get enough sleep? If you’re getting less than is ideal for you in order to facilitate him getting 9 hours, then it’s not on and something needs to change.

This. It's best for myself and everyone else when I get 9 hours. Less than 8 and I feel shit. Doesn't mean it always happens, but it's not ridiculous.

9 hours sleep is not ridiculous at all.

I’m 35 and I need 9 hours. DD is up at about 6 so it’s bed at 9 for me most nights. I am pregnant currently though and think that might be making me more tired than usual, but I’ve always had high sleep needs. The newborn stage almost broke me

This is normal for me, but it also varies according to activity in life. If I started a new job for example and was taking in lots of new information then I might need even more, but during a very relaxed phase (on holiday for example) then I might need less.

My DH would never complain about my bedtime, why on earth would he resent the sleep I need to be healthy and happy?!

Yes, I have lived with far fewer hours, of course, as a mother with a few DC. I didn’t feel good on it though.

Is your DH neurodivergent by any chance? I have ADHD and a lot of neurodivergent people I’ve met need more sleep than is average (as adults, not necessarily as children).

As an aside, people often tell me I look much younger than I am, and question me about it. The only thing I can think of is that I prioritise sleep 😄

I am exactly the same! What auto immune disease do you have if you don’t mind me asking?

Before kids I always aimed for nine hours to feel optimal. I didn't have a long commute so that would be 11pm-8am. Plenty of time for my evening activities.

My husband claims he only needs 6hrs but he's lying to himself 😂 if I insist he doesn't read in bed he's asleep immediately and will sleep for 8!

Post kids I generally get more like 7hrs but I have brain fog a lot, often fall asleep in the middle of reading my child's bedtime story or whilst putting them to bed and find it very difficult to get up in the morning. I should go to bed earlier but just have so much to do.

Thank you that’s all really helpful perspective. Little one is 3 now and tends to wake once in the night which I deal with.

DH gets home around 7 and wants to be in bed by 9 to get up at 6:15. Just makes the evening very tight after dinner, making packed lunches. 3YO tends to go to bed around 7:30 but will take until 8 to go down, (hard to go earlier as nursery pick up isn’t until 6 and he’s often in need of a snack and a bath).

The main source of frustration for me is DH acts like he wants downtime he will ask for dessert or a glass of wine and pop the TV on and I will be lulled into chilling out and then 10 minutes later he will snap it off and be like “bedtime!”. Feels like a waste of money and calories to have a treat just to gobble it and fall asleep near instantly afterwards. I think I will learn to sit these out and just go read a book elsewhere or something.

I think I just need to write off any expectations of having shared leisure time in the week and then try to maximise it at the weekend.

I just feel like other people manage to go to work, the gym, have hobbies, have a mid week social life etc and we can’t even manage to watch a Netflix series in the week. Feels a bit defeatist and a bit lonely.

But I realise I’m in the minority and I’ll aim to alter my expectations as that is the point of asking you all what was normal :)

I don't think it's weird in itself, but as adults, we all sometimes have to.function on less sleep for whatever reason, especially if we have kids. What would be concerning me is the grumpiness and control and the fact that you seem to have to walk on eggshells to make it happen or accept very poor behaviour if it doesn't. So unexpected kids issue? I assume you deal with it? Leftoverchores? All you?

It isn't reasonable to expect someone to compromise their own physical wellbeing to meet your own social needs.

Absolutely this!