To think needing 9 hours solid sleep to function is ridiculous

[NightFeeds]

That’s it really. Life feels like it is ruled by DH needing 9 hours sleep a night to function. No time for downtime after DC bedtime as it’s then his bedtime. Any disturbances and he’s ruined for days. I can’t compute but realise I’m probably being horrible and this is just a normal need I need to be more respectful of. I’d like to know what is considered normal by others

No he wants her to go to bed same time as him. Still doesn't solve issues of not having time to relax together if she stays up

What actually happens 99% of the time is that the man snores on obliviously while the woman manages to get by on broken sleep for months, and never sleeps heavily again for the rest of her life.

Two words - noise machine.

You should not have that sort of conversation with him.

You should not seek his imprimatur as to how you can spend your time in the evenings.

His response to you sticking up for yourself and not looking for his approval of your wishes or needs will tell you exactly what you're dealing with here.

Tell him flat out that being told when you go to bed is not on and must stop.
Tell him you'll be going to bed when you feel like going to bed.

Very often, people who can't sleep unless there's dead silence or have other very rigid routines around getting to sleep or staying asleep, or who try to impose their will on those they live with when it comes to sleep are either using control as a means of overcoming underlying anxiety or depression, or they are just controlling by nature.

The rigidity is a big problem here.
The ducking of partnership in the home and as parents "because wrecked" is also a big problem.
The idea that a grown adult can be told when she should go to bed to pander to another's issues is huge.
These are relationships issues that need to be tackled. The basic issue is inequality. He has put himself first.

Yep, one toe on the floorboards and I’m awake

That's the amount of sleep he needs.

@Toptops

No, it’s the amount he wants, not the amount he needs.

Some people need more sleep than others, and 9 hours is a fairly standard amount. Though obviously not great if you have young children and he decides nothing should disturb his precious sleep and you are up all night instead, then that would just be shitty.

Completely normal. I need 9 hours to be completely with it the next day. However once I get my twins to bed it’s half 8 and I also need a few hours downtime too. So I have 7 most nights. But 9 is optimum for me.

My job is very mentally draining, if I’ve had a particularly busy day using my brain I need more sleep. Maybe it’s just this rather than something physical?

People vary. I live with someone who appears able to manage on 4 hours during the week but much longer at the weekend.

By the experts? 9 hours. Just about every life and psychological system needs 9 hours. Lots of great research out there. To have less makes you open to dementia, cancers, depression, ruins your mental health et al.

Was about to say the same. 6 is good but I do flag by the afternoon. Would love 9 :)

I think I'm doing well on 5 or 6 .

It's kind of a double edged knife, has this always been the case since you've been together or is it a more recent ish thing, he may need to do fbc at the docs see if he's lacking in b12 or iron deficiency or something else underlying, I know I sleep a good 8hrs daily not so much the weekends but definitely in the week, otherwise it's knocks me sideways some people deffo suffer through lack of a decent sleep would talk to your partner if its a more recent thing encourage them to have an mot at the gp

If my partner interfered with me wanting to go to bed once the kids were asleep I would have an issue with the relationship.

We have a 2 year old. Both work full-time. I work 8-4:30pm. These years are physically tough. When my child is in bed about an hour later I go to bed. Occasionally I stay up but most of the time I need to rest and sleep.

But I assume you don't force your partner to go to bed with you? Or refuse to get up to do any of the night wakings, which is what OP's partner does to her?

It's very normal and research based.

It is indeed normal and healthy. He's looking after his health. We are just living in an age where it has become unhealthily normal to not get more than 7 hours of sleep, because our phones are now TV&PC's we carry around as an extension of ourselves - Even in bed.

If I sleep more than 6 hours I wake up with a horrendous headache. I can function on 2 but I’m vile

Quite normal

I like to sleep 9/10 hours

Perhaps he doesn’t sleep that well? If he is restless and wakes up a lot in the night he has nothing like 9 hours sleep.

People saying he has an underlying condition. Many people just need more sleep! I am one of them. Anything under 8-9 hours and I’m struggling

I don't agree with those saying the OP doesn't respect her husband's need for sleep, she's only asking for other people's experiences. And I think that she and her DH need a good talk about going to bed at the same time. OP might benefit from an evening in front of the tele or reading a book. I do know it's absolutely possible to slide yourself between the sheets without waking up your partner 😊

Compressed hours arnt ideal if he needs 9 hours sleep. You probably have better balance if he work 5 days