To think needing 9 hours solid sleep to function is ridiculous

[NightFeeds]

That’s it really. Life feels like it is ruled by DH needing 9 hours sleep a night to function. No time for downtime after DC bedtime as it’s then his bedtime. Any disturbances and he’s ruined for days. I can’t compute but realise I’m probably being horrible and this is just a normal need I need to be more respectful of. I’d like to know what is considered normal by others

It sounds like a small price to pay if he is otherwise a very good partner & dad.
I would like the utter predictability of it in some ways. My old housemate was like this, by 8:30pm he was making go-to-bed plans. He dealt with anything early in the morning & his DW could sleep in. They made it work.

I am absolutely precious about my sleep and the quality of the sleep I get. My life just seems so much better when it’s under control. I get your husband.

I wonder if the tv disturbs him and he needs a silent house that is why he turns it off.

My mother was like this and insisted we all go to bed at 9pm latest. I would spend hours wide awake lying in bed. The very idea of staying up till 9.30pm or 10pm was unheard of.

Except she too couldn’t sleep and would take sleeping pills to knock herself out. It was quite frankly ridiculous

I get at least 4.5 hours sleep. Sometimes more depending what work has been like. (Very physical job)
I think that men want more sleep as they get older whilst women need less

Menopause has a strange effect on your sleep cycle

Thats fine but have you thought about how much that control over your sleep affects everyone else around you

Separate bedrooms is the real true solution if you can do that.

Luckily we've always had a spare room and DH would sleep there if he had an early start to catch flights, or long drives where he had to up by 5.30 am some days. Or even when one of us was ill and needed more sleep.

How convenient he needs this and must have it.
Even children know you can’t always get what you want.

He does not like it if I come to bed later than him as it disturbs him

I think you need separate bedrooms and start to live a separate life and get out more

Only way friend can survive when her dh goes to bed

I’m up at 6 and in bed at 9. Hasn’t even occurred to me that I needed to ask dh for permission. We both enjoy time to ourselves. 34 years together.

How does it affect everybody else? I’ve been at work all day, cooked a meal. Dh washes up and enjoys watching tv with dd and taking the dog out for a last walk we when I’m in bed at 9 reading and sleep by 9.30/10.00.

He does not like it if I come to bed later than him as it disturbs him.

This is the most concerning point. He can go to bed early, that's fine. You absolutely should make every effort not to disturb him when you come to bed. But he cannot dictate when you go to bed.

That's easy. Just spend time together when both around. With my sons dad we often did stuff during the he day together due to work My daughter and her husband spend a morning together, or go for lunch etc as one of them usually working an evening.

But if both people are working the same bloody hours and still not spending any time together it's a bit off

But OP’s DH is telling her she can’t have the time to herself and must come to bed at the same time as him. Because he can’t be disturbed.

What happens if you do disturb him OP? How does he express his annoyance- are you afraid of him?

But OP's DH is also dictating when OP goes to bed. That's not okay.

I think very few people “choose” broken sleep. It’s more a case of having to wake up for kids, stress or other factors such as insomnia causing their sleep to be broken.

And there’s a happy medium between staying up late and insisting on a 9pm bedtime every night as adults.

Exactly. I'd also love to know what happens when two people who "need" nine hours of sleep marry and have small children, lol.

YABVU

Everyone is different and everyone has to manage their sleep in a way that works for them. If he knows he needs 9hr why would he deprive himself by forcing himself to sleep less to appease you? I don't know what you mean by the idea you get no downtime as he goes to bed after the kids. Why not? Do you insist on going to bed at the same time or something?

I wonder how many people here with an "auto immune" disease just have hypothyroidism which they don't want to disclose? It can be treated effectively but it does take some figuring out.

They tend to really prioritise sleep, and sleep train their babies once they're old enough. Until then, take it in turns to get sleep. Like all parents do really. Most people can survive on less sleep than they really need to function optimally for a time.

There is, but many guys/ friends scoff at my bedtime. And actively choose to be up til 11-12-1 scrolling and watching tv, not actually doing something positive. I’d happily stay up for a good read/ late show in the city/ hot sex, but not those things…

Then they know full well that they’ve got to be up at 6 the next morning and then complain they are tired and can’t function 🤷‍♀️ And how they know screens and gaming and late night drinks affect their sleep quality yet they do that every night.

So sounds like a choice of broken sleep and grogginess to me… There’s many lifestyle factors you can manage for better sleep but people ignore them often.

I get home from my workout and nice hot shower between 9-10 and go straight to bed and it’s lovely and makes me feel at my best and happy.

My other half complains fairly regularly about how tired he is of being tired all the time and it does get a bit grating 🙈 we have two very young children so that is just our life at the moment and you do just need to press on.

Then why is everyone saying that OP's DH obviously needs his precious nine hours a night and can't possibly be expected to function on less occasionally?

It is perfectly normal. The range is quite broad. Difference people have different systems.

I manage fine on 7 with a weekend 9 hours on Friday and Saturday night. My partner is roughly the same.

That doesn't give him a get out of parenting clause. He needs to adjust the timing to cover the children on a fair rota.

Luckily my children slept pretty much from day one, scared the hell out of me. But when they were ill we would just tag team.

Hypothyroidism can be caused by autoimmune disease.

9 hours may be within the normal range and it probably is optimal, sure.

I’m sure if I got 9 hours sleep a night I would br pretty bright eyed and bushy tailed. In reality I rarely get more than 7. It is what it is and I catch up when I can but I would prefer to not have a perfect sleep schedule but to have a full life, an interesting job and a happy family life. Swings and roundabouts.

Its quite a jump from saying 9 hours is optimal to insisting that you have to have 9 hours and to hell with the impact on those around you. That kind of rigidity isn’t compatible with life.

I know some people need more sleep than others and I understand people prioritizing it when they can but I simply don’t buy the idea that it’s biologically necessary to do this every night of the week, particularly if you are inconveniencing your spouse and hardly seeing your kids.

Its a bit like me saying my ideal diet is macrobiotic vegetables with wild salmon and caviar and therefore I demand to eat it for every meal. Not all of life is always optimal for your health. It’s about balancing your wants with your family’s needs and not letting the perfect become the enemy of the good.