Newborn, DH threats to not help anymore

[MincePieFan88]

I'm losing my mind and need to write this down. I have a 12 week old baby (ok technically not a newborn anymore). In the early days, DH was brilliant. He did every nappy change, night wakes, he was down in the trenches with me, supporting me with breastfeeding, did everything all the books say he should do. He was great, super patient, I fell in love with him all over again tbh.

But that's slowly tailed off. He still does loads with baby but very little around the house (he does cook dinner but cleaning up the mess takes twice as long). And I'm struggling. Every single time we have an argument (over really minor stuff), he says "well, if you think I'm so shit, I'll just stop doing anything". Earlier today he said this in response to me asking him to do something, not even arguing actually.

He came back a few times from work and socials with stories about other men he knows who do nothing. How X and Y also have babies and they never wake up at night and never change any nappies. Like he's some hero for watching his own son.

The whole undertone is about how I should be grateful for anything he does.

He also told friends at the weekend that last Friday he had his first night out since DS was born. Total lie. He's been out drinking once a week, every week, since week 2. I was too stunned to pull him up on it.

It's just making me feel so shit. I feel totally alone and worthless and like I've made the worst mistake of my life.

Before any mysoginistic pricks come at me telling me I should do it all, note I make 2x his salary (and my mat leave is fully paid) and he has an easy office job, he's home at 4pm on the dot every day. He even has time to train for a fucking marathon right now. He's not some emergency worker doing 80 hour weeks swept off his feet, with the entire financial burden on him.

Good grief I haven’t time to read the ft but people telling you to leave him are imo wrong. You presumably loved him enough to marry him and have a child with him. The issues you are having are weeks old. You write as though everything is bad about him but good about you. Unsurprisingly, You are probably overtired and emotional. He might not be doing what you want him to do or perhaps he should be doing. Is he a nice person? A kind person? You need time together without the baby as soon as possible and to be able to talk to each other and have a brief spell of baby free fun. New dads often feel pushed out by new babies and the intense relationship that mums and new babies have. Think of three of his good points as a starter perhaps.

So he has had all the congratulatory claps and basking in newly proven manhood and now the hard graft has set in, the novelty has worn off and he wants is untramelled male life back.

He wasn't "helping" when he changed a nappy or did something in the first weeks - he was doing bare basic parenting and maintenance of his own home. It wasn't "for" you - it was just being an adult.

He is lying to your friends about his situation, he is not pulling his weight around the house, he is making threats via strategic incompetence and taking himself out of the house to train for a fucking marathon with a newborn.

I don't agree he has been "influenced" - unless he is a complete idiot. Its an excuse because we never want to believe we have such self absorbed adults in our families. Unless he is a brainless teen he is responsible for his own choices and his own behaviour.

Consider some form of couples counseling but be very picky - try to get a recommendation of someone who has a good track record for women in this particular situation. For your marriage to work you need to be a genuine team - ie at the end of each week you have both had similar shares of leisure time and resources, irrespective of who does individual tasks.

Honestly - if he doesn't shape up you may find yourself better off without a manchild in addition to a baby, but there are steps to take before you got down that route - take your time, whatever the decision. Keep in mind as you are navigating this "do I want to be with this person, behaving like this for the next thirty years". Its not just about this month or this year - its about what you want and can live with for the rest of your life.

The baby stage is tough on everyone’s nerves. I think you need to allow for that. Dh was a mature, responsible, high earning, committed dh, who manned up. And we still came close to the divorce courts that first year.

I’d hesitate to do couples counselling. It’s an unregulated industry. Therapy of all kinds get touted on here as a magic solution but it isn’t. It takes commitment and emotional work to make progress. Using it as substitute for communication is pointless.

Take a look at the Gottman.com , particularly the advice on learning to handle conflict, and communicate effectively without undermining relationship.

I’d highly recommend the Fair Play cards. It weaponises men’s need to win (they don’t like having less cards) and opens the door to conversations about what’s not on the cards too.

I’d be concerned about who’s filling his ears with nonsense. Are there any older men in the family who would have a word? There’s such a dearth of decent role models for men nowadays.

He sounds like a 15 year old, and not a very pleasant one at that.
What sort of adult male makes a fuss about doing things for his own child and his own home ?

My husband never did a waking night. He also never lifted a finger cleaning anything. He told me to wake him if I I need help. He couldn't wake up. It sort of defeated the purpose because I still wouldn't get unbroken sleep. Iwas ready to have a nervous breakdown. My daughter woke up hourly. When she turned 3 I cried weeps and told him that I was going to have a breakdown and he'd have to look after 2 kids alone. I also told him to fix up or fuck off because at least id get a break during his visitation. He's much better now. Althought, the hardest work really is over. Hell gat up if one of the kids wakes up (wow, what a wonder he can manage it). He now picks up after himself and will occasionally run a vacuum. I hold a lot of RESENTMENT because of it.

You need to nip it in the bud. You are meant to be a team. If he doesn't want to be a team then he can fuck off and you can discuss a visitation schedule. He's threatening to not parent his own child as a punishment to you. He's sulking and stonewalling you. He needs to grow the fuck up.

@PrimalOwl10 so I should somehow do all the chores during the day, care for the baby, and somehow also catch up on sleep during the day? All before 4pm so he can home and chill while I continue to care for baby and do the night feeds? Where exactly do I get downtime in this scenario of yours? Or do I not deserve any?

Ignore that ridiculous advise OP. Some women have a very low bar.

Yes, I agree re couples counselling, be very careful who you get.

I have had years of my own therapy (which helped to wake me up to DH) and my therapist was adamant I was being abused emotionally.

I agreed to couples counselling as a last resort. The therapist was not pro woman and in fact could have been quite dangerous to an abused woman. Luckily, I called him out on it and told both him and DH to f**k off. Just be careful, there's obviously a reason why couples counselling in abusive relationships is not recommended.

I'm so angry on your behalf. Next time he goes out drinking, lock the door from the inside and leave the key in the lock so he can't get in. You can send him a text explaining what 50/50 looks like and tell him you'll let him in when he's ready to step up and act like a man instead of a pathetic little incel boy.

I already said that my initial response in terms of looking at fair play etc was in response to the initial OP. further information then came out in comments which changed the perspective. I stand by the comment that it’s very easy to suggest to just walk away but it’s difficult to do with a small baby. You need to figure out access, finances etc - I’m not suggesting it’s not the right way forward just that it’s not easy and he remains part of her life for the next 18 years either way and they have to figure that out. But you just want an argument.

@RedHelenB no, I'm not.

“Advice” like this is so dangerous. Plenty of us have been in this situation in real life and can recognise the potential for early signs that can quickly escalate particularly following the birth of a baby. “Not exactly” abusive is not an acceptable bar to live your life by. Is that a “professional” term these days is it? Lots of men behaving in such a manner doesn’t make it acceptable or ‘normal’ it just means there are lots of women living in awful situations who need help and don’t need to be reading apologist rubbish like yours who try to placate women into believing their relationship is ‘fine’ as long as they’re not in serious physical danger by being physically abused. ‘Sulking’, or called by its actual term stonewalling is abusive behaviour and the fact you’re trying to play it down is outrageous and doesn’t make it any less so. Sulking is what children do. You know those little people who can very often struggle with regulating their emotions and aren’t usually great with communicating in an empathetic manner? He is a Man-child in every sense of the word and it’s utterly appalling.

Threatening to withdraw help from a new mother who by definition is vulnerable in order to wriggle out of responsibility and basic cleaning up after yourself is manipulation, plain and simple. Let’s not forget she was breastfeeding their child and only wanted him to warm her some lunch up so she could gain nutrients to be able to feed said child. He’s also lied about the fact he’s been going out to his friends to make her look bad so he can justify being shit and change the narrative to other people. That’s also manipulation, which is also abusive. So that’s stonewalling, manipulation and bare faced lying with an intent to make the OP look bad and submit.

This is a pattern of behaviour in as you rightly pointed out a small snapshot of her life that she’s shown us. Doesn’t look promising for the OP does it? Couples counselling is not recommended in situations where abusive behaviour traits are being exhibited by either person in a relationship.

You think you don’t need educating? You definitely do! Your poor advice will do much more harm than good, luckily there are enough Mumsnetter’s with their heads screwed on who can see through your nonsense and advise properly and accordingly.

Stupid advice. And, if you do end up doing this from some misguided "I'm at home anyway" mindset, you end up setting a precedent for when you back to work. At which point you're not only doing everything home and child related, but working full time on top. Ask me how I know and what my EHs new girlfriend is going through...

His insecurities are showing. He’s threatened by you being the main earner and now establishing himself as ‘the man of the house’. Deal with this as a priority or dump him. He will only get worse - the going out drinking is awful. If you don’t sort this now it will get worse and worse and you will be doing everything including coddling a man child.

@Wishingplenty but that's the thing, I am breastfeeding and doing ALL the care for this baby. And he can't even warm up my lunch or deal with paying the bills. I'm doing EVERYTHING. Every single house related task you can think of, I'm doing it. It wasn't like this before my mat leave. It's just happened slowly over the last 12 weeks and I am feeling like I am losing my mind. We almost had our electricity cut off because he couldn't be bothered to pay it (we live abroad, there's no direct debits here, before you ask). Our house insurance has lapsed because neither of us called to renew it.

Sit him down, look him in the eye and ask what good he is bringing to you and your baby's life.

You bring in the majority of the wage
You do the housework
You pay the bills
You do the childcare
You do the night wakings

What exactly is HE good for? And can he explain why it's not better for you to be single?

It sounds really stressful OP. What happens when you address this with him directly?

Try to take the unhelpful comments on here with a pinch of salt.

Could have written this too. It feels like good men enjoy being part of their new family unit, then somehow society tells them they're "so awesome for doing anything" and they become self-congratulatory whilst dialing back what they do. The first month with our newborn was great. 9 years in and he tells anyone who will listen how great he is at being a dad and is loved by the whole community, whilst leaving all the difficult bits of parenting to me. I don't have a magic solution but I do think you have more power here, because his life would change for the worse without you.

Is there any relevance in the fact you aren't in the UK?

I'm only asking as there can be cultural differences in marriages and how some men see ' women's work'.

TBH many women 'do it all' if their partners are out at work, although it would be different if you're talking about weekends.

I had 2 DCs under 2 and DH out all day from 8am-7pm. No family nearby.
But when he was around he was great.

The striking thing here is that you aren't in this as a couple.
He wants to carry on his life as if there wasn't a baby.

This begs the question of was the baby planned? Did he want a child?
How was he before the baby arrived?
Is his behaviour now a complete personality change (or did you ignore read flags before?)
Did you lay out your expectations? (ie I don't want you going out drinking every weekend - or whatever he does- once the baby is here as I need you 100% on board in the first few months.)

In terms of the house insurance and utility bills- as a couple one (or both of you )needs to take responsibility. Who did it before?
Use your phones or some device to set reminders to pay your bills.

Don't allow him to sulk.
Tell him you want to talk.
I appreciate you're exhausted but he needs calling to account and told he has to change his ways.

Explain to him that if you’re on your own then so is he.

• equal payments on the house and bills starting today
• dont cook his dinner
• dont wash his clothes
• book nice days out with the baby that doesn’t include him

you get the picture! After a week he’ll see life on your own is pretty miserable and his only choice is to pitch in or leave. It’s that simple!

You have a newborn baby. It's hard. I doubt either of you are covering yourselves in glory. Don't listen to the daft people who think you should leave him. That's idiotic. Just try to communicate and get through this tough time for both of you.

He sounds like he feels unappreciated. Have you told him how great he's been in tge first few months and how much you appreciate this?

@OneBlackHeart encourage your DD to focus on her career. Money certainly doesn't solve all issues but it certainly helps the power balance in a relationship if it's more equally distributed and gives options.

Congratulations on trying to break the cycle. Not easy!

😂😂😂