Newborn, DH threats to not help anymore

[MincePieFan88]

I'm losing my mind and need to write this down. I have a 12 week old baby (ok technically not a newborn anymore). In the early days, DH was brilliant. He did every nappy change, night wakes, he was down in the trenches with me, supporting me with breastfeeding, did everything all the books say he should do. He was great, super patient, I fell in love with him all over again tbh.

But that's slowly tailed off. He still does loads with baby but very little around the house (he does cook dinner but cleaning up the mess takes twice as long). And I'm struggling. Every single time we have an argument (over really minor stuff), he says "well, if you think I'm so shit, I'll just stop doing anything". Earlier today he said this in response to me asking him to do something, not even arguing actually.

He came back a few times from work and socials with stories about other men he knows who do nothing. How X and Y also have babies and they never wake up at night and never change any nappies. Like he's some hero for watching his own son.

The whole undertone is about how I should be grateful for anything he does.

He also told friends at the weekend that last Friday he had his first night out since DS was born. Total lie. He's been out drinking once a week, every week, since week 2. I was too stunned to pull him up on it.

It's just making me feel so shit. I feel totally alone and worthless and like I've made the worst mistake of my life.

Before any mysoginistic pricks come at me telling me I should do it all, note I make 2x his salary (and my mat leave is fully paid) and he has an easy office job, he's home at 4pm on the dot every day. He even has time to train for a fucking marathon right now. He's not some emergency worker doing 80 hour weeks swept off his feet, with the entire financial burden on him.

He's probably gone and spoken to his mates and they've said why are you doing all of that it's the "womens" job.

I wouldn't be lifting a finger for the prick from now on.

I burst out laughing upon reading this, funniest thing I’ve read on MN today!

If you leave him are you going to end up stuck living it that country?

I once read that if your partner expects you to do everything for the house & baby whilst you're on maternity leave then you're less likely to get the balance back when you do go back to work.
Now is the time to pull him up on it if you need more support.
My husband definitely also went a bit big headed when he realised he was doing more than other male partners that we know.
But I just politely explained to him that I wouldn't want to be with those men, and I know he doesn't want to be with their wives either! So if he loves me and wants to be with me, then he needs to keep supporting me and helping to raise OUR child.
The first year is so so tough, on you both and your relationship, but he doesn't get to just do the bare minimum because others are doing even less than that!
Being at home all day with a baby is exhausting and its not always easy to fit in chores around that. So you can't do it all alone without losing your mind.

He still does loads with baby but very little around the house (he does cook dinner but cleaning up the mess takes twice as long).

You are incredibly lucky to have a H who does a full day's work (presumably) and comes home to cook dinner. I think you said he was home just after 4pm?

I'm not saying 'woe was me' but my H was home at 7pm every day for years and I cooked dinner every day when he was working. And managed 2 young DCs including a baby.

So what if clearing up takes ages? Does he clear up or are you complaining he makes a mess and then leaves it to you to clear up?

You cannot expect to keep to the same standards with meals, housework etc when you have a 3 month old baby.

You've posted some things that make me feel sympathetic towards you but also some where you may appear to be a bit unappreciative.
He probably doesn't appreciate how exhausting it is to give birth and how you feel now. This is all about how you communicate with each other.

There is a saying that the biggest challenge with a newborn is getting through the first year without getting divorced. There's a lot of truth in that.

If it's 'lucky' to have a husband that will willingly cook dinner after a short office shift when the wife has been home caring for and breastfeeding a baby all day then my god I'm glad I'm a lesbian. Get some higher standards for goodness sake!

Good morning Mr Tate.

The silent treatment is grounds for divorce op...

No joke, for sure. The dude can’t pay a bill, is out drinking with his buddies and training for a marathon, and threatening his wife not to lift a finger when she has a newborn. If I were she, I’d see if my job let me have a transfer back to the Uk, leave, get a nanny, go back to work, and file for divorce. Go for sole custody on the basis of emotional abuse.

It never ceases to amaze me just how low the bar is for some women on MN. I mean Mariana Trench low.
They may think they're the defenders of men but it's actually hideiously insulting to have such low expectations of another adult.

You've missed out half my post or at least misunderstood. I said in comparison with my circumstances where my H wasn't home till 7pm, along with many other mums whose partners work long hours. Not all new mums have a partner who works short hours. Of course he should cook if he's home by mid afternoon.
My standards are very high thank you. My DH is wonderful and our children are adults.

So you earn two times his salary, are on fully paid maternity leave and trying to care for a 12 week old pretty much alone? I think I might shout that at him.

The only reason I was Mary bloody Poppins was that I earned hardly anything and was going to be a SAHM and OH was on a six figure salary and paying every bill. I didn’t mind going all the hight feeds and still doing the chores as he was getting up and working every day.

in your position I would be raging.

It’s because they can’t face how unequal their own life journeys have been, so they double down on it rather than confront the depressing reality of how much shit they’ve tolerated over the years.

If she does that she does 100% of childcare and he does none for that period. That arrangement is only beneficial to him

He will also fall even less out of the routine of pulling his weight and potentially genuinely lose confidence with soothing the baby etc.

This poster has concerning beliefs around acceptable behaviour in relationships and very low standards for men. Any attempts to reason with her or present a different viewpoint will likely be ignored.

I wanted to become a bit of that misogynist prick, until I read you make twice his salary.
You really don't need him in your life, at your home and to "help" raising his child.

Oh you're not missing an opportunity for another dig, are you?

You've not even bothered to read my post properly.

FWIW some of your posts are offensive and personal attacks, considering you are a supposed professional in your work. You can't bear anyone disagreeing with you so it seems and have to make it personal.

And FWIW your posts about the signs of abusive relationships aren't borne out in real life. I have close friends in marriages that according to you had signs of 'abuse' and yet funnily enough, they had couples' counselling at the Tavistock, so maybe all those psychs and counsellors were wrong (in your opinion.)

Yep, cognitive dissonance at its finest. My DH loves me and is a great father and yet he treats me like a servant and doesn't want to help me with the baby when I'm clearly struggling. They can only the square the circle by gas lighting other women to believe that this is completely normal and acceptable.

I have a husband that willingly does his fair share and is a truly involved father. Men like this exist! Don't be fooled into thinking there is no alternative other than these useless, selfish children that are masquerading as men.

@MincePieFan88 When I was a child I complained to my mum that I didn’t get pocket money/paid for doing household chores and that it was unfair. She looked me in the eye and said we all live here, we are all part of the household and we all pitch in. No one gets paid for that. I then piped up with: ‘ but all my friends get paid for chores.’ And this was a new discovery for me after friends talked about how much pocket money they got for the chores they did at lunchtime at school that day. She replied: I am not their mother and they don’t live here. If they did live here I would not be paying them for chores. Do I get paid for housework? Me: ‘No.’ Mum: ‘Then why should you?’ She added that this was our home and we all pitch in to look after it.’

Fair point. And she was right. Explain to your husband that it doesn’t matter what these other men do or not do in their own homes. You don’t live with them. This is your shared home. He lives there too, he is part of the household and everyone pitches in with chores, bills, parenting, and maintaining the family home.

So your DH was a great father for a few months when everything was a novelty and he was getting praised and now cba! He is telling you X and Y don’t help with baby, it’s perfectly normal and your expectations are set way too high by naming lazy b*stards to strengthen his argument that your in the wrong! He is happy to train for a marathon but god forbid he has to put himself out for his wife or baby.
He is showing you very early on after baby was born that he won’t be supportive nor a hands on dad and will be pursuing his own interests and you are expected to toe the line else you are given the silent treatment/ argument.
You and your baby are worth more than the few crumbs he is begrudgingly giving, your effectively a single parent whether he lives with you or not so go to your mums as he is a man child who won’t change.

@Haroldwilson You have a low bar

The only person making personal attacks and spouting unhelpful, uneducated and potential dangerous advice here is you. Why don’t you have a go at responding to other posters who have also called out your ridiculous nonsense.

Has he said the same to her?

Just compare what each of them has done/achieved

He can get lost

What a ridiculous post

And what about him telling her how great she's been in the first few months and how much he appreciates it?

That she's been taking care of a baby, paying all the bills, been doing all the life work, which gives him the ability to go out drinking and train for a marathon?

Why is it the menz who should need to have their fragile egos pandered to while the women get on with it without any acknowledgment and indeed are taken completely for granted?

I agree with this but also I wouldn't even bother inviting him to explain what he is good for in the household because he would likely only do what he's already done, which is to sing his own praises about his efforts as a new dad in comparison to his friends, therefore OP should feel lucky that he "helps" at all.

I think OP should just divorce him, save herself a boring and frustrating conversation and just cut to the chase. The only worry I'd have is that she might be worse off financially, but that is better than being tied to that dead weight for the rest of her life.