Newborn, DH threats to not help anymore

[MincePieFan88]

I'm losing my mind and need to write this down. I have a 12 week old baby (ok technically not a newborn anymore). In the early days, DH was brilliant. He did every nappy change, night wakes, he was down in the trenches with me, supporting me with breastfeeding, did everything all the books say he should do. He was great, super patient, I fell in love with him all over again tbh.

But that's slowly tailed off. He still does loads with baby but very little around the house (he does cook dinner but cleaning up the mess takes twice as long). And I'm struggling. Every single time we have an argument (over really minor stuff), he says "well, if you think I'm so shit, I'll just stop doing anything". Earlier today he said this in response to me asking him to do something, not even arguing actually.

He came back a few times from work and socials with stories about other men he knows who do nothing. How X and Y also have babies and they never wake up at night and never change any nappies. Like he's some hero for watching his own son.

The whole undertone is about how I should be grateful for anything he does.

He also told friends at the weekend that last Friday he had his first night out since DS was born. Total lie. He's been out drinking once a week, every week, since week 2. I was too stunned to pull him up on it.

It's just making me feel so shit. I feel totally alone and worthless and like I've made the worst mistake of my life.

Before any mysoginistic pricks come at me telling me I should do it all, note I make 2x his salary (and my mat leave is fully paid) and he has an easy office job, he's home at 4pm on the dot every day. He even has time to train for a fucking marathon right now. He's not some emergency worker doing 80 hour weeks swept off his feet, with the entire financial burden on him.

I think it’s very easy to say on an anonymous forum to just leave, don’t bother trying to work anything out, but much more difficult in real life with a small baby

I hope you’re ok op. I think you should possibly tell him to fuck off for a few days and think about whether he wants to be a parent or not

If you are what you say you are (and no proof of that) you should know that you can't diagnose anyone from a few anon posts on a forum. You should also not be encouraging a couple of part, when there is a 12 week old child involved, unless he was being physically violent and their lives were at risk.

You don't know anything about the OP other than what is here or her partner.

His behaviour doesn't sound great, but there are many people who 'sulk' after rows but who aren't exactly' abusive'. I despair TBH at how labels are so easily attributed to a range of behaviours that are s snapshot of someone's life and no full picture known.

And I don't need pacifying or educating, so maybe stop patronising . it's not doing you any favours for all your 'qualifications'.

It really isn’t.

Most people telling the OP to leave have been in that position, we know he won’t change.

A man who gives his wife the silent treatment for being asked to heat up her lunch because she is FEEDING THEIR NEWBORN is not a good man. A man that refuses to help with HIS baby is not a good man. A man that goes out drinking leaving his wife alone with a newborn is not a good man. We see the patterns, we see the red flags and we know it doesn’t get better.

This is not a man who is trying his best, it’s not an exhausted man pulling his weight who needs a bit of grace.

Yes it will be hard to leave, but it’ll be harder to stay.

He is trying to act like an alpha when he's not even a beta.

Love this (and everything else Pinkpurpletulips said).
OP, send this moron packing back to his mum. You and your baby deserve better.

If he's not even doing 1% why would he do 50% upon separation?

You can't give someone custody.

That info was not in the initial post!! I’m not arguing that she should stay - all I said was more information came out in subsequent posts… which is exactly what you’re now referring to.

He's a vile piece of shit, frankly.

And he knows exactly what he's doing.

I'm so sorry.

You are talking nonsense. No one is ‘diagnosing’ anything - you do not need to be a mental health professional to gain access to and read guidance about couples counselling. Likewise what constitutes emotional abuse. I’ve not encouraged the OP and her OH to ‘part’, read my posts properly. You are in the minority here and thank god you are, you are incredibly ignorant about abuse and rather than educate yourself you are like a dog with a bone. It is very concerning you seem to want women to minimise abuse and stay in unhealthy relationships at such a vulnerable time post partum. The snapshot of information provided by the OP is enough to show the behaviour in question is abusive - any further information is not needed as it will not excuse it.

Have you missed the fact that the vast amount of posters are in agreement with what I’m saying? I won’t be engaging with you further.

It's still making a point.

It's not her responsibility to try to sort out his abusive behaviour. Only he can do that.

You don't think what he's doing is abusive?

I'd tell him quite clearly if he wants to be a deadbeat dad and partner like the bozos he admires so much at work, he can do it under a different roof.

Physical violence is NOT the only type of abuse.

And someone who initially was 'good' and then changes knows exactly what he's doing.

This.

I am currently divorcing a similar man. He believes because he isn't down the pub every night he should get a gold star. Because he's not beating me up, I should be happy. He would rather I didn't work. He wants a 1950's housewife. Things got worse when we had children, I was more vulnerable. He grew up looking at his parents marriage and thinks this is the way it should be.

I grew up believing I was second best as my mother was treated second best. My mother on telling her I was divorcing DH said, well he isn't beating you is he! FML, what an eye opener.

Luckily I am getting out. I won't let my daughter think this is acceptable. My mother's reaction has caused untold damage to our relationship.

OP nip this quickly. These aren't good signs. Leave this go on, he could get worse and ultimately you will look at him one day and go, what a twat and any respect and love is gone.

I really hope you are doing ok with your lovely new baby.

Do you have supportive family? Do you earn enough to support yourself as a single mum? If yes, leave now! He wont get any better. Do not be tempted to have any more kids with this prince of a man…My (usually very smart) friend ended up on her own with three kids as she convinced herself each time that he would be a better dad this time round. He wasn’t.

usual question from me. What does he bring to the party?

Youve just got past the honeymoon period when all the presents and congratulations stop and you get down to daily grind plus sleep deprivation.

I think most people go through a transformative process where you have to fully grow up, accept there's another person who takes precedence and you're not number one any more.

Pregnancy probably makes women undergo this sooner or more smoothly as you've already had your body taken over. Plus society trains women for selflessness.

It either takes men longer or they just don't get there, a la Homer Simpson.

He's basically being a spoiled baby but I wouldn't give up on the relationship right now when you're both exhausted. He might have it in him to develop emotionally and step up to the new role, in time.

Even a well-meaning, committed father might find it hard to actually adapt. If yours turns out not to be well meaning or committed then show him the door.

I have no advice. I've had two men do this to me the first got violent when I bagged for 'help'. The second was amazing and did half the housework and patented my kids/his step kids amazing. Then I got pregnant with his child and he just changed- stopped all housework and started moaning he was being neglected and under appreciated.

It's a joke the state of society that men treat women like this and most women accept it "because he's not hitting her".

I'm single now and hopefully I will raise my boys to be better and hopefully my dd will expect better. But how can she get better when sooo many men fake being fait then morph when they get you trapped with marriage or pregnancy.

I'm much much happier single. But I have no social life and all I am is a mother which I love but it's depressing in itself

He's basically being a spoiled baby but I wouldn't give up on the relationship right now when you're both exhausted

Not so exhausted that he can't train for a marathon or go out on the piss every week though is he?

I didn’t say it was?! Of course he is responsible for his behaviour.

Ugh. This sounds like my 'D'H except he was pretty shit from the get go.

My take on it that any 'good' behaviour is transactional in his eyes so if he thinks he's not getting his needs met (usually this means sex) then he won't bother.

Unfortunately I don't think some men have the same empathy or willingness to put other people first.

You are in a strong position as you are the main bread winner. As others have said, read him the riot act and mean it. Because believe me, he will only get worse otherwise.

I meant to add. I will be drilling it in to DS how to treat women. I'd be equally pissed off with him if he treated the woman in his life badly.

OP, I'm not saying ditch him this minute but you honestly need to draw a very hard line NOW. Give him one chance to step up and if he doesn't, he can bloody well step off.

Has he ever shown any signs of being a twat, prior to this?

You said

I think it’s very easy to say on an anonymous forum to just leave, don’t bother trying to work anything out, but much more difficult in real life with a small baby

How do you suggest she tries to work things out?

It’s a ltb for me

i couldn’t forgive someone who felt so little of me they would behave like that and I wouldn’t waste a moment longer with them I’m afraid