To think this dad is being very rude and inconsiderate?

[bananabread2000]

Instead of birthday party my DS (8) asked if we can go to a theme park, just him and his best friend (let's call him Mark) with me, DH and our younger DS (2).

I messaged Mark's dad and asked if he was allowed to come with us, and he replied saying he'd love it and we would sort out the details nearer the time. My son was absolutely delighted as has been going on about it for weeks but last week told me that Mark's dad and younger brother are also going to come. I replied that I hadn't heard anything about that and maybe he'd misunderstood etc.

Then yesterday at school pick up, Mark's dad approaches my DH and says he'd like to come to the theme park and bring the younger brother, he would pay for them both, maybe we could all go in one car and is that ok? My DH felt completely put on the spot because this was in front of the three kids and the younger brother had clearly already been told he could go but he muttered something about speaking to me and needing to check plans 🙄

Am I being unfair to be annoyed with Mark's dad about this? I know from previous play dates that it's a difficult dynamic when it's the 3 of them because the younger one feels left out and this was supposed to be my DS's birthday treat so shouldn't it just be who he wants to invite, not all the hangers on?

I can't shake the feeling that the dad just didn't want to have the slightly harder conversation about why the younger son couldn't come. My DS is now disappointed at having to "share" his birthday and his time with his best friend. Am I being unfair? Any thoughts on how to untangle this without it turning into a big drama?

How would you all for in one car?.do you have a people carrier?
Can you just say you don't have space to take everyone in one car?
If not, just say "oh, DS just wanted to bring his bestie. We weren't planning a mass expedition" and laugh.
If he pushed it, call his bluff - "oh well if you think 'little brother' will be too upset, let's just not bother" and see what the dad says.
If he has an ounce of common sense of decency he'll back down.
Decide what you'll do if he is a true C.F. and doesn't though - go without bestie, what to tell your DS, suck it up and let C.F. have his own way etc.

Your younger kid takes part so already sharing the day?
7 people in a car?

I would just have said no If I didn't wanted them to join. But I understand why the other family think it's okay to join then your are going as a family of 4.

you just need to be honest and direct.
you're not being unreasonable but you'll feel like you are.

do You have someone who would have DS2 for the day?
if so, I'd say 'Sorry DS just wants it to be the two 'Big Boys' so we have have found someone to have DS2 for the day.

could DS's mate sleep over the night before to avoid any drama on the day?

CF can take his youngest elsewhere for the day.

I think I'd probably approach him while he has the younger child in tow, and say something along the lines of 'DH said you'd mentioned that you and 'X' (younger child) want to come to the theme park with us. Then look down at the younger child and say 'I'm sorry 'X' but I'm afraid we can't do it this time, as it's a special treat for DS's birthday, for 'Mark' to come with us, but I'm sure Daddy can find something fun for you to do together, and then maybe he can take you and your big brother to the theme park another time?' Then turn back to Dad and say 'anyway, we'll pick Mark up at 9.am at yours, if that suits?' Let him be the one put on the spot this time, CF!

I would say it’s ok… it’s actually nice for the child to have family go too.

I always use to be the tag along kid… I’d would have loved it if my parents came to a few events too.

I’m not sure about your car situation… how can you all fit?

I would just be honest and say no the invitation was only for Mark. I understand it can be difficult with other kids but this is for Ds birthday. If the dad pushes the issue and you feel backed into a corner agree, then wait a few days and cancel it and invite another kid.

Thanks all, I don't know why he thinks we can fit 7 of us in one car, especially not for the 1 hour drive it would take!
I think I'll have to be firm and say no and see how it goes. It does feel mean for the younger brother but I also need to do right by my DS. I think I'm mainly annoyed that the dad put us in the position in front of the kids without discussing if first.

I totally disagree with this. The child, whose birthday it is gets to decide what they’d like and who they’d like to join.

Perhaps Mark dad thinks that mark is a little too young to have such a long day without a parent there and therefore assumed he was coming? Then the 2nd kid coming is part if the logistics that follow on from that?

Oh god please don't do this! It's not your place at all to be telling the younger sibling he can't come!

If they don't fit in your car then this is really easy and your husband dropped the ball- sorry we can't fit you in the car, the plan was just to take the boys we will pick him up at X time, thanks so much for letting him come on a birthday trip with us

Well he can’t ride with you as there’s no space. How young is the younger brother? Is he close to age to your young one? Maybe the dads can hang out with the younger kids and you with the 2 older ones? This way mark has the comfort his family is around and your son’s bday isn’t hijacked?

He was rude just inviting himself and younger son along. Especially unfair to ask in front of the child. Perhaps he feels bad one child is getting a fun day out a theme park, but you can’t just go along inviting others. Not fair on older child either, he’s been invited not the sibling. This is taking uninvited siblings to a whole new level.

I would say a firm NO to the shared car and I would still invite the friend to travel with you in your car.

I'd be happy with the other Dad and little brother also attending the theme park but I would explain that he and the young brother do their own thing and meet up for birthday cake with your all later on.
Insist that your son wants to have a special one on one adventure with his best friend this birthday.

Make enough cake to include them both and make up a lolly bag for the little brother if you are making them.

In my opinion, it would be very mean to say they can't attend a public fun park at the same time as the party, and also rude to not include them at cake time.

Your husband sounds like a wet blanket. Why didn't he say 'sorry, that won't work as we don't have space in our car for seven people'.

Instead, he has made you the 'villian' by needing to check with you.

Your DH should reply to /speak to him. You can't prevent anyone going to a public space. Maybe your DH can suggest meeting up with them at point/s in the day?

Where is the other dad planning on putting his youngest, in the boot? Doesn't your two year old need a car seat. There's no room in a normal car for the extra adult and small child surely. Does his youngest need a car seat too.

Perhaps once he’d given it more thought he was uncomfortable with his son going to a theme park with people he didn’t know well. They are big busy places. I wouldn’t send my child to one without me.

Your son will still be with his friend, his brother will be a friend for your other child. The dad will have the responsibility of his children. I don’t see the downside. Especially as it will save you money. I assume if you’re going in a people carrier fuel costs will be shared and as the father is basically taking his children at the same time you take yours he will be covering his family’s costs.

It’s a birthday party and one special guest is invited, and that is Mark. If it was a party for all the class at a soft play, you wouldn’t invite all the guests siblings too. He’s being cheeky. He can take the younger kid to a theme park on the same day all he wants. But, you planned a family day out with your son and his best mate. I wouldn’t want a random dad encroaching, it would be awkward and massively change the dynamic, say NO!!!

I think it's fine for the dad and younger brother to come IF the dad is entertaining the younger brother separately rather than expecting him to tag along with the older ones. It would be nice to include them in cake. The friend should travel with you and the dad and younger brother separately.

I can't think of anything worse and dad is an absolute CF. The day out is for your son, having his friend's younger brother, and the bickering that involves, no thank you. Dad's looking for an easy day out for the younger one too. I'd say no. You aren't friends with Mark, and you do want him and the younger boy to tag along, change the dynamos and spend the day thinking he's a priority and the two older boys have to include him.

Do you have a 7 seater? If not, surely it's easy to say you have no space in the car? I like the idea above of having Mark for a sleepover too. That makes it harder for any tag alongs.

While it's lovely that the people you got foisted into as a "tag along" never let you know, there must have been times when they really didn't actually want you.
It's telling that your parents didn't take you places, but let forced other people to do so.

I think the other Dad is mad there is little less rewarding than dragging around thene parks, if you had offered to take mine I wpuld have bitten your hand off.

Having said that it is a public place, you can't really stoo them, the lift thing is easy, just say you don't have space.

How old is DS IME from about 8 up they just take themselves off anyway.

Sorry you said 8 - won't the 2 big boys take themselves off to the rides anyway ?