To think this dad is being very rude and inconsiderate?

[bananabread2000]

Instead of birthday party my DS (8) asked if we can go to a theme park, just him and his best friend (let's call him Mark) with me, DH and our younger DS (2).

I messaged Mark's dad and asked if he was allowed to come with us, and he replied saying he'd love it and we would sort out the details nearer the time. My son was absolutely delighted as has been going on about it for weeks but last week told me that Mark's dad and younger brother are also going to come. I replied that I hadn't heard anything about that and maybe he'd misunderstood etc.

Then yesterday at school pick up, Mark's dad approaches my DH and says he'd like to come to the theme park and bring the younger brother, he would pay for them both, maybe we could all go in one car and is that ok? My DH felt completely put on the spot because this was in front of the three kids and the younger brother had clearly already been told he could go but he muttered something about speaking to me and needing to check plans 🙄

Am I being unfair to be annoyed with Mark's dad about this? I know from previous play dates that it's a difficult dynamic when it's the 3 of them because the younger one feels left out and this was supposed to be my DS's birthday treat so shouldn't it just be who he wants to invite, not all the hangers on?

I can't shake the feeling that the dad just didn't want to have the slightly harder conversation about why the younger son couldn't come. My DS is now disappointed at having to "share" his birthday and his time with his best friend. Am I being unfair? Any thoughts on how to untangle this without it turning into a big drama?

I'd message or face to face if you're brave enough.

"Hi I think there's been a misunderstanding? We invited mark to come with us for ds's birthday treat . Perhaps you could take mark and his younger db another time? Sorry for the confusion, let us no if you are still happy for mark to come. No worries either way. "

Kids parties are always confusing. Sometimes us parents don't know if it's ok to just leave our child and go or if we're expected to stay/come along. I think this is what's happened here. He probably thinks he has to accompany his son, so may as well take the younger one along too. I'd explain to the Dad that you only have the room in the car for his son and will collect and drop him home afterwards.

We had similar recently as DS’s friend was coming over for his birthday and her younger brother whined that he wasn’t invited to the point that DS felt sorry for him an wanted to invite him. His mum and I both said no as it would have changed the dynamic.

I bet this dad just doesn’t want to have to say no to his younger DS.

At age 8 I don’t think they will be taking themselves off anywhere.

I love this! Yep the only way will be to have the awkward conversation yourself. He had already agreed to 'mark" going....

I suppose it depends on the theme park, I am thinking legoland/ chessington rather than Alton Towers ( they will be too short for the big rides anyway).

Are you taking your two year old?
If yes then I think you are a bit mean. Why does it matter if more of this boys family come along? As long as they drive themselves if they don't fit in your car then it could be a nice day out for everyone.

If no then fair enough. Two adults/two children work well at a theme park.

As a parent I would prefer to be there with my child and perhaps the child wants his Dad there? But they should travel separately.

I think you should accept the extra people.

They're taking their 2 year old because he's their kid! That's fairly obvious and doesn't need to be justified or explained.

Autienotnaughty - this message is good.

"Hi I think there's been a misunderstanding? We invited mark to come with us for ds's birthday treat . Perhaps you could take mark and his younger db another time? Sorry for the confusion, let us no if you are still happy for mark to come. No worries either way. "

But obviously put 'know' and not 'no' 😉.

Be prepared for Mark to not let his older son come if you say no, then your son would be more disappointed. I would just say more the merrier and make the best of it (obviously if you can’t all fit in one car you will need to go separately)

My DD was invited to a theme park with a friend once. We had a similar response - yes, she can come, but we are all coming along. For us, it was that my daughter wanted to go but would.not have coped with such a long day without us and had some additional needs that the parents, while aware, didn't really get. In the end we drove as a family, met them there, then left DD to go round the park with best friend and family while we went round on our own. It meant that if there was an issue, we were on site and able to respond quickly.

Perhaps have a conversation and clarify if they are intending to spend the day with you or whether they could go off on their own and just meet at the end of the day? There could be a reason they want to be nearby and they might not necessarily want to directly explain it.

The transport issue seems to solve the problem, as you can’t fit all of them in!
“Sorry Mark’s dad, don’t know what Husband was thinking! We can’t all travel together as we don’t have room in the car, it’s a normal Ford Focus not a people carrier. We’ll pick Mark up at 9 though, and maybe see you and Little Brother there- we could meet for cake and candles at 1pm”

You’re not excluding them but you’re not facilitating the tagging-along. And by 1, Mark might quite enjoy seeing his dad.

Maybe he misunderstood? Just be straight with him and say what your sons wants. Maybe he is aware it's just the son involved, but feels uncomfortable letting him go and is offering a solution?

If the dad is just planning to go around with the younger sibling then I don't think that's rude, it's a public place not a private event and there's nothing OP can do to stop him going. Maybe the child is only allowed to attend on those terms because his parents are not comfortable with it. I've been at children's parties in places such as Hollywood Bowl and Ninja Warrior where a parent has stayed with other siblings and that hasn't affected the party as they stayed separate.

The OP can’t police who goes to the theme park. If the dad wants to take his younger son there too that day, so be it. Appreciate that having the younger brother there might be annoying but I’m sure he will get over it and I don’t buy that it will ruin his birthday treat.

I think this would be the perfect reaction

It's very rude to invite himself, an adult, and another child to somebody else's birthday event.

@Startinganew32 that's pretty disingenuous.

He’s not inviting himself, he’s going to the theme park. It’s perfectly normal for parents to stay at a public event - they’re 8, not 18. Not sure I’d be entirely happy just leaving a young child there and there’s nothing to say that you have to go around with him and the younger boy. Presumably the DS and friend will go together on rides and the dad will go with the younger brother.
At my DSS birthday party recently, at an adventure park, about half the parents decided to make a day of it, many had brought younger siblings along and they all paid for their own tickets. Nobody accused anyone of inviting themselves to the party.

Sounds as if the other dad is controlling someone else's arrangements and also may not have full confidence of your supervision of his son at a theme park. Two toddlers is also going to jam up the works as is going in one car. What about if someone needs to leave early? I would have a chat with my son and also with the other dad as you are not happy with 'his' organising your son's birthday. Could you take your family to the theme park and perhaps the friend come over for a little party? I would be on the ceiling with fury to be honest!

Who the fuck thinks it's ok to insert themselves and their child into somebody else's life like this? You can only imagine the thought process 'Oh, they won't mind. It's only me and younger DS. They're going anyway'.

Well, guess what, Mark's dad? Not everyone is delighted by the prospect of your company on a family trip (in their car!)

When you tell this CF that he's not invited, remember it's because it's a family trip and you (very reasonably) don't want him there. The size of your car is irrelevant, plus he can work around that if he's prepared to drive his own. How about something like:

'I hear you spoke to DH about DS's birthday. The thing is, it's a family trip. DS invited Mark. We're not planning on anybody else joining us. We'll pick Mark up at x o'clock, yes?'

Did those parents also insist on riding with their children in your car? And do you drive a bus by any change?

This. Great idea.

It wouldn’t. It would be really inappropriate for you to tell someone else’s child information that they will find upsetting/disappointing.

If the OP did then she might find the dad saying Mark is sadly also unavailable due to a family thing and then her DS can enjoy a solo birthday. You can’t have your birthday at a public venue and start moaning if other people decide to go the same day.

This genuinely wouldn't bother me.

The older boys can go off on their rides and maybe it will be nice for your youngest to have a little friend to go on the kiddie rides ride.

I'm not seeing a problem.

The dad isn't "cheeky" for asking. But if it doesn't suit you for any reason just decline.

But surely it's nice to foster good relations between your two families if the boys are best friends.