To think this dad is being very rude and inconsiderate?

[bananabread2000]

Instead of birthday party my DS (8) asked if we can go to a theme park, just him and his best friend (let's call him Mark) with me, DH and our younger DS (2).

I messaged Mark's dad and asked if he was allowed to come with us, and he replied saying he'd love it and we would sort out the details nearer the time. My son was absolutely delighted as has been going on about it for weeks but last week told me that Mark's dad and younger brother are also going to come. I replied that I hadn't heard anything about that and maybe he'd misunderstood etc.

Then yesterday at school pick up, Mark's dad approaches my DH and says he'd like to come to the theme park and bring the younger brother, he would pay for them both, maybe we could all go in one car and is that ok? My DH felt completely put on the spot because this was in front of the three kids and the younger brother had clearly already been told he could go but he muttered something about speaking to me and needing to check plans 🙄

Am I being unfair to be annoyed with Mark's dad about this? I know from previous play dates that it's a difficult dynamic when it's the 3 of them because the younger one feels left out and this was supposed to be my DS's birthday treat so shouldn't it just be who he wants to invite, not all the hangers on?

I can't shake the feeling that the dad just didn't want to have the slightly harder conversation about why the younger son couldn't come. My DS is now disappointed at having to "share" his birthday and his time with his best friend. Am I being unfair? Any thoughts on how to untangle this without it turning into a big drama?

@bananabread2000

I think definitely point out that you can’t all fit in one car - say you’ll need to take two cars.

Then say you’d really like to take your DS and friend on rides of their choice together. Would it be ok if they went round together separately on occasions, and then meet up on occasions. The brother and dad can separately go on rides if they’re choice together.

I had this recently with two families to a theme park, and was concerned it wouldn’t work. It was fine - I did have to suck it up a bit, but ultimately the birthday person had a fabulous time.

I think you can say that you ultimately want this to be a day for your DS. Perhaps contact the mum with your thoughts, she might ‘get’ the social dynamics a bit more.

As a parent, I would feel nervous about leaving the care of my child to another parent for a birthday at a theme park, so I think I can understand that he might want to be around.

I also feel nervous about driving friends children, or friends driving my children.

Sorry, this is a birthday treat for <my son> so the focus is on him and we don’t have room in the car for 7.
At some point children do have to learn that they don’t get to go to everything. Birthday parties are an invite for friends, not friends, siblings and family members.

@bananabread2000 , I don't think he's being rude or particularly inconsiderate but he's hijacking your DS's birthday, changing it to 'your DS tagging along with them'. The car sharing is cheeky, unless you have a people carrier.
Not RTFT.

This really wouldn't bother me, especially as they're paying for themselves, but I'd expect them to all go in their own car and meet us there.

I agree with this too, a parent of ds friend wanted to do a theme park 1.5 hours away and invite his entire group of 5. They have enough space in their car. All 4 declined with some other reason (flaky). We just said we can't make it without giving a reason because the rest sounded so flaky. I'm 100% certain that no one wanted their kids 1.5hours away.

Maybe the dad wants to come because of that but then he needs to drive there himself and not join in with the younger sibling or just decline.

The boy is only 8. My son is the same age, I couldn't let him just go off to a busy fairground an hour away with a family I didn't know. I honestly don't think he's being rude at all. He's probably just thought, that would be fun day out and I'll be on hand if Mark needs me. I bet he's totally oblivious to the upset he's caused - poor bloke.

To PP saying its only fair his younger brother comes as OP's younger son is going, he's 2. He won't be going on the main rides etc, he's going to presumably be in a pram all day with one parent, maybe the teacups, whilst the other parent keeps an eye on the older 2. He's not going to impact the bigger boys, where as the friends son sounds older and would want to go on rides and hang out with the older 2. The brother is presumably smaller and might throw a fit if he's not tall enough for some rides the older boys are, and will potentially spoil the day for everyone.

I think it is better this way. If Mark is bringing his younger sibling and you have 2, then there will be an even number of children and more adults to keep an eye on everyone. A theme park is a public place, you can't stop anyone else going there.

Please never give advice to anyone, ever!

I would have left your 2 yo out of it entirely. Make it a "boys day" and send the 2 dads and the 2 boys if the other dad is keen to come.
The 7 seater thing is a bit odd to me as almost everyone I know has a 7 seater ( mind the back 2 seats are only suitable for goblins or fairies as they are teensy. Then there's the middle row for 3 ( and then mum and dad in the front )That's 7?

If you have a 5 seater cat then it's an easy refusal?
Yes, it's cheeky to invite yourself like that in front of the children.
Otherwise just say no. That doesn't work for us.

Or maybe he is not happy for eldest child to go off with relative strangers to a theme park with all the risks etc and doesn't have anyone to look after DS2 - Maybe eldest has never been to a theme park and he wants to be there for the experience - there are a whole load of reasons - I think I would say OK BUT not share a car etc

Is it a possibility that 'Mark' doesn't feel comfortable going on his own with another family and so the dad thinks he is solving the problem by tagging along?
Also I've had a situation a few times with a certain parent in my sons class where she would never take us up on our offers of taking him to and from a birthday related activity. She would make excuse after excuse as to why she had to come along aswell or meet us there and it turns out that she and her husband were not comfortable with other people driving their children around and supervising them. Fair enough but it would have been so much easier if they'd just said that from the start instead of coming up with random excuses each time! It made me dread inviting this boy to anything because quite frankly I didn't want to have to deal with the whole family at my sons birthday.
I'm not really surely what to suggest but if it were me I wouldn't want the parent and sibling tagging along, it would spoil the whole dynamic of the day.

Thinking about this more I imagine that the reason why he’s suggested coming like this is because he’s not actually comfortable with letting his DS go off to a theme park over an hour away with virtual strangers. He’s suggested you all share a car because the alternative is for him to say that on balance he’d rather his DS not go. It would cause far more disappointment to Mark if he was now told he’s not able to go than if his dad decides to tag along “for the benefit of his younger brother.”

TBH OP I think you’ve lost this one. I think if you say no to the car (which is perfectly understandable, although it’s possible they have a car big enough in which case he’ll offer to drive) then he’ll either say that Mark can’t go or he’ll say that he’ll drive his family, including Mark, and meet you there.

He’s actually trying to save the day IMO rather than ruin it.

I'm on the fence - I would be reluctant to allow my child to go a theme park on their own with another family. I think the is possibly being rude but I think it better the dad attends to be honest.

Is he assuming it is your car or suggesting you all go in their car if they have a large people carrier?

At 8 years old I would be nervous of my child going over an hour away to a theme park with another family unless they were a close family which I was close to and trusted a lot, it's possible they are suggesting they want to come along as they don't want to suggest they don't trust you but don't otherwise feel comfortable with their son going.

Also with the car is it possible his parents are nervous of your driving and therefore trying to suggest you all go in their car?

No! My husband always used to take the kids and their mates to theme parks at all ages - we had a Merlin pass - and no-one has ever said we'll come too. Changes the dynamic.

Even at those you suggested I would have thought 8 year olds would stay with parents. I certainly wouldn’t let mine wander off, I’d let them go on rides alone but I’d be stood waiting for them

Don't be ridiculous! Of course the OP can tell the kid that he can't come, it's her trip and her DS's birthday treat. Also, the younger child is far more likely to accept it from a relative stranger, without having a melt down, than if his Dad tells him he can't go.

No she can't. It's a public theme park.

Does the younger brother really want to be the unwanted third wheel?

I really don't think it's fair on him. He'd surely have more fun doing something else with his Dad.

Plenty of good points raised and a few thoughts I hadn't considered so thank you everyone, and apologies for not answering individual posts. To clarify some questions which have been asked:
1 - We don't have a people carrier so travelling all in one car definitely isn't an option but I expect the dad will just say he will drive himself and younger one so it doesn't solve the issue overall
2 - The wording of my original invite was very clear that it was for a birthday family trip and we would love if Mark was able to come - I actually spelt out it would be me, DH, my two DSs and Mark to highlight there would be plenty of supervision for the boys and that DH would be able to go on the rides etc. I can see that he might have had second thoughts but he could have just said so if that was the case.
3 - the younger brother is 6 so a bit too old to play with my littlest but not exactly in the same age group as my DS either
4 - If he insists on coming, of course I can't stop them and wouldn't make a big deal of it, as others have said, it's a public place and he can do what he likes. I would also include the younger brother if he's there, it's not his fault so I'm not going to mean and leave him out, but I wouldn't be happy with the dad.
5 - I agree my DH could have dealt with it in the moment but he had just come from a very stressful meeting, was rushing to get to school in time and honestly just didn't think it through when he was put on the spot. He feels suitably bad about it lol

Just be honest with the dad. could you explain to dad that your son would like his birthday party just to be him and his friend as the dynamics are different when the younger brother is there.

I doubt mobile phone coverage would be awful if he messages his own child😂

If I was in a theme park with my younger child I would just message my older one direct and not go through mum.