To think this dad is being very rude and inconsiderate?

[bananabread2000]

Instead of birthday party my DS (8) asked if we can go to a theme park, just him and his best friend (let's call him Mark) with me, DH and our younger DS (2).

I messaged Mark's dad and asked if he was allowed to come with us, and he replied saying he'd love it and we would sort out the details nearer the time. My son was absolutely delighted as has been going on about it for weeks but last week told me that Mark's dad and younger brother are also going to come. I replied that I hadn't heard anything about that and maybe he'd misunderstood etc.

Then yesterday at school pick up, Mark's dad approaches my DH and says he'd like to come to the theme park and bring the younger brother, he would pay for them both, maybe we could all go in one car and is that ok? My DH felt completely put on the spot because this was in front of the three kids and the younger brother had clearly already been told he could go but he muttered something about speaking to me and needing to check plans 🙄

Am I being unfair to be annoyed with Mark's dad about this? I know from previous play dates that it's a difficult dynamic when it's the 3 of them because the younger one feels left out and this was supposed to be my DS's birthday treat so shouldn't it just be who he wants to invite, not all the hangers on?

I can't shake the feeling that the dad just didn't want to have the slightly harder conversation about why the younger son couldn't come. My DS is now disappointed at having to "share" his birthday and his time with his best friend. Am I being unfair? Any thoughts on how to untangle this without it turning into a big drama?

Maybe you could suggest that the 6 year old brings his own friend to go on rides with and hang out with so that the party boy can do his own thing. With his friend.

Have you considered that Mark asked his Dad to come along. I don't know if there is a mum in the mix as she hasn't been mentioned but if there isn't, and noone else for childcare, Dad would need to bring his other son along too.

I would let them come, but I would say obviously you can't fit in our car and maybe bring a friend for younger child to go on the rides with, so the older children can have some quality time together on sons Birthday.

Not read all the thread, so sorry if this has already been asked, but has your car got adequate car seats to accommodate these extra children? That could be your get out clause if it hasn’t.

Just go together but make it clear you're leaving them to their own devices once you're there

Ooh just say no that's it wouldn't give explanation it's your sons birthday so I'd simply say no sorry it's not what my son wants and it's a little odd you've asked to come along your son offer of course still stands and that's that there's not even a doubt that I'd even lose sleep over this situation put ye foot down

You have to be honest and tell Marks father your son has invited his best friend to His birthday treat. You thought about that chat after the school pickup and have realised it's not what your son wants so sorry . Or say no space for three adults and four children in a car is not legal in a 4(5) seat car. As two passengers would not be in a seatbelt. So sorry it's no happening

I recommend have them come along. You or your husband escort the birthday boy and friend while the rest of you do whatever with the younger kids. Maybe trade off here and there. Maybe dad doesn’t feel comfortable having his young son away from him and decided to tag along.

He's going to use the lack of car space for him not to attend. Then ask if the sibling can attend with you. Leaving daddy dearest with a child free day.

I would just say it's fine if he's wanting to go with younger dc but that your ds has been looking forward to a day out with just his older child so you'd like to honour that and go round together and then you could meet them for lunch at some stage/ coffee at the end. And that you've not enough room to transport them all.

It may be that he wants to be around incase his dc gets sick/ lost/ hurt and is happy to treat his own younger dc as well

Tbh n have been in the same position as Marks dad and wanted to come along for a few reasons but mainly because I am really anxious about people driving my child around - myself, DH, and FIL are the only people I am comfortable with doing that and I would not be happy with you taking my child in your car if I don’t know you well. Maybe your driving is awful or your car is not well maintained, I don’t know. But I wouldn’t want to say that so I’ll offer to bring my child and pay for my kids/myself.

I have done this before and left my older child to it, to have fun with his friend, and taken the younger one off. But at least I am there is he gets overwhelmed and I can relax about the travel.

would NEVER ask for a lift though - that’s CFery

its a public venue, its not up to you if he goes with his other son. Weird that you are creating a problem when there isn’t one

So if someone else had taken your child to a theme park for the day, and they'd paid for everything, you'd go to the same theme park and start messaging your child so you could meet up with them - unbelievable!

It's OP's DS's birthday treat. If Mark's DF and DB tag along, it stops being a birthday treat. It's not 'creating a problem', it's trying to avoid a birthday treat from being lessened.

Isn’t it up to your son who comes along to his birthday treat? I’d have a word with the child’s father and say he really wanted a one on one with his best friend on his special day. This father’s own concern for the feelings of his younger child isn’t yours…or your son’s. You have to stop this over solicitous and frankly controlling man from ruining your son’s big day out. It’s his birthday FGS not a free for all.

Cancel the whole thing and rearrange a different activity when just Mark can come on his own.

You have to stop this over solicitous and frankly controlling man from ruining your son’s big day out. It’s his birthday FGS not a free for all.

Bit of an overreaction to call the bloke controlling just because he clearly isn’t comfortable with his very young child going on this day out, as lots of us on this thread have said we wouldn’t be either. Sounds to me like he’s just trying to find a way that his son can still go without having to explicitly state that he isn’t comfortable with what the OP has proposed and risk creating awkwardness. To be honest I would find it FAR more controlling if the OP told this guy that he wasn’t welcome to come and that they wanted his young son alone in order to fit with the fixed image she has for her own son’s birthday outing, despite the fact he clearly isn’t comfortable with the plan.

I mean you can't dictate who can and can't go to a theme park, I get it's your son's birthday treat but does it really matter. You've said it's a younger brother so perhaps the older boys can split off with an adult at some point of the day to ride the bigger rides and someone can take the younger ones on the smaller rides and all meet up for some lunch. i think to make a big deal of a kid going with you is silly, just let it go. The dads paying so it makes no odds to you

I wouldn't be comfortable letting my son (9) go on a day out, hours drive and busy theme park with an aquiantance, perhaps that's the reason, and he's just invited himself along to avoid the "I'm sorry but I'm not comfortable letting him go alone" talk.

I wouldn't have let my 8 year old go away to a theme park by himself with another family TBH. I would have made an excuse to tag along as well.

The 'going in one car' thing is pretty weird though. Giving the guy the benefit of the doubt he maybe thinks it's just your DH taking the two 8 year olds?

Maybe he thought his younger one could entertain or hang out with your other kid

Or maybe he's just planning on sharing a lift or taking you if he has a bigger car and hanging out with his smaller kid at the same place

You haven't exclusively hired the entire theme park have you?

But it’s a public theme park - he’s going to pay for the boys and I presume look after his small boy, there’s no reason why he couldn’t go, you don’t have to spend the whole day together - you could take your DS and his friend the other dad could make his own way there then go off with the little one for a bit then meet back up. If he was decent enough and polite guy etc I wouldn’t have an issue - I think it’s nice he’s seen this as an opportunity for his boy to spend some time with a friend and him to have a day out with his kids at a theme park - maybe he doesn’t get to do that often 🤷🏻‍♀️

just say no and explain your son wanted this instead of a birthday party, he specifically asked to go with mummy, daddy and his best friend. There’s nothing difficult about that.

Be brave and say sorry but you promised dis a trip with just Mark and can’t change now. But you will invite the whole family around for birthday cake another day.

Good point. The man may not be great at communicating. Ask whether it would be a problem for Mark to come on his own. But not in front of the children.