To think this dad is being very rude and inconsiderate?

[bananabread2000]

Instead of birthday party my DS (8) asked if we can go to a theme park, just him and his best friend (let's call him Mark) with me, DH and our younger DS (2).

I messaged Mark's dad and asked if he was allowed to come with us, and he replied saying he'd love it and we would sort out the details nearer the time. My son was absolutely delighted as has been going on about it for weeks but last week told me that Mark's dad and younger brother are also going to come. I replied that I hadn't heard anything about that and maybe he'd misunderstood etc.

Then yesterday at school pick up, Mark's dad approaches my DH and says he'd like to come to the theme park and bring the younger brother, he would pay for them both, maybe we could all go in one car and is that ok? My DH felt completely put on the spot because this was in front of the three kids and the younger brother had clearly already been told he could go but he muttered something about speaking to me and needing to check plans 🙄

Am I being unfair to be annoyed with Mark's dad about this? I know from previous play dates that it's a difficult dynamic when it's the 3 of them because the younger one feels left out and this was supposed to be my DS's birthday treat so shouldn't it just be who he wants to invite, not all the hangers on?

I can't shake the feeling that the dad just didn't want to have the slightly harder conversation about why the younger son couldn't come. My DS is now disappointed at having to "share" his birthday and his time with his best friend. Am I being unfair? Any thoughts on how to untangle this without it turning into a big drama?

If the dad wants to take his younger son at the same time that's no fuss to you. Just say your family plus older child will go and do your thing. The bigger boys will be going on different rides to the younger one. You can say we will treat the eldest to lunch and snacks. He can pay for the younger one.

Yes that’s a really good idea. Most rides are in twos anyway so LB will probably go with dad for most of them.

@TheGoodEnoughWife I think it depends how old the friends younger sibling is tbh in comparing this. It sounds like younger sibling might be older if the dad didn't want to tell them they couldn't come. Let's be honest the two 8 year olds will want to sit on the rides together. The OP 2 year old will probably just enjoy being at the park, going on any rides that are suitable and would have to sit with a parent. But if the other sibling is say around aged 6. Will they get upset when their older brother isn't going to sit with them. Will the older kids be expected to accommodate him which then isn't fair on the bday boy!

So no I don't think it's mean to say no! Kids need to learnt they cant always do everything their older sibling does and dad needs to accept he has the younger one by himself that day.

Maybe dad was thinking it was only one adult taking both 8 year olds and therefore room for him and his other son in the car? Does dad drive and maybe thinking it's a way for him to take younger one if he doesn't drive?

no and it doesn’t sound like this dad is insisting either - he suggested it. Maybe he thought it was just the dad and DS going. Just say no, there’s no room.

Actually for DSS party one of the dads did offer lifts to a couple of other children as he had extra space in his car. Which was very helpful and very nice.

Utter nonsense! Are you 'one of those mums' who brings uninvited siblings to birthday parties? If so, stop it! It's bloody irritating (and rude!)

Um can’t the 6yo go on with the dad? I don’t know what sort of theme park this is but I’d want to keep an eye on an 8 yo at somewhere like Chessington. It’s a really huge place and some of the rides are a bit scary. The OP might actually be grateful he is there, especially if any of the rides say the kids have to be accompanied by an adult as the OP’s DH and this dad can then sort that out while the OP stays with the 2 year old.

Dad prob thought it best he was going anyway as ds is 8 is quite young and for some rides I guess an extra adult would be needed if you already have 1.1 ratio of kids for your own family on rides. I wouldn't be happy sending my 8 yr old to a big theme park with parents I don't know very well, so it makes sense he wants to go to make sure ds is ok with the rides etc but without letting his bf down.. the follow on of taking 2nd Child and paying for him prob didn't occur to him as an issue because he could keep your youngest company. I think your overreacting here, he is paying his own way - I'd tell him to make his own way there though.

This ^^

Maybe the other dad isn't happy about his son going or is concerned about this behaviour & wants to keep an eye on him a bit? Perhaps there will be some rides for the older ones separately so they can still have fun on them?

😱 omg absolutely not. Maybe I’m neurotic! No way. But then my 9yo 1) doesn’t have a phone and 2) will be all confident and then suddenly get scared i) in a big place ii) on rides.

Op I think friend’s dad is unreasonable to bring sibling but I do understand wanting to go along with a child that age. Does Mark actually like/have experience with rollercoasters etc? Lots of kids won’t at that age. I assume there’s a reason Mark’s sibling can’t be left with his mother so I won’t suggest that as that would be the obvious first solution.

If it was me (and it has been me in the past, done Legoland with best friend for bday a few times), one of us would stay home with younger child and then the 2 boys each have a parent go with them. In one car 😁 Bit awkward if the parents aren’t friends though!

@Startinganew32 that logic wouldn't work as if the requirements are children have to ride with an adult each then the two dads can't take 3 kids on. Or op ends up looking after a 2 year old and another kid who is told they can't go on the ride.

Yes the sibling could go on with dad for rides, but op has said younger sibling has got upset at being left out before so there is a chance sibling will get upset at always having to sit with dad and then older kids are made to be nice and take turns.

If the dad isn't comfortable with his kid going alone that's a different story and the dad should explain this.

I expect op has done her research and knows if the kids are tall enough to go on rides themselves as otherwise they wouldn't be able to take their own 2 year old and go on rides with both kids if that is the requirement.

Exactly. His son is 8, and you don’t seem to know his family that well from the description of the interaction and the fact you don’t want him in the same large theme park as you for a few hours. Maybe he knows that his son might prefer it if he was there too. It’s a long drive there - not sure I’d have liked that at age 8/9, spending the whole day with another persons family.

But it's a public theme park. You can't ban people from going on the same day as you are.
You can say no to all the fitting in one car though, say you've only space for Mark

@CarrotPencil is correct if it is about not wanting to let 8 year old with the family then compromise is that he finds a babysitter for younger child and then that way can support his older son on the rides.

Surely it's because he's thinking mark is too young to be going without a parent?

However I have no idea why he assumed it was OK to hijack your car! Things Like that annoy me..

I think as you're bringing your own younger child anyway, does it really make a difference?
Mark will still be going on the rides with your DS presumably, and maybe it'll make it easier to entertain the 2 little ones if they're together?

Really? I mean really? If the younger one gets upset so what? Doubt the older brother will care as he’s there with his friend so it won’t impact on anyone’s fun. The dad can sort out the younger sibling if he’s upset. Genuinely can’t see on any level how it will ruin the day and I think people who get overly hung up on this stuff just enjoy complaining.

He did not literally "insist", but he did make the request in front of his young child, which puts the onus on the other person of saying no and disappointing said child rather than this dad having a spine and doing it himself.

OP, I’m totally with you. Your son invited his bestie, and that should be it - the friend can either accept or decline. End of story. A parent wanting to tag along with an extra kid is just CF. If the Dad wants (separately) to take his other child to the theme park, that’s up to him, but you invited one child. As for the car thing, words fail me!

If one of my children was going to Alton towers then the other one wouldn't be sitting at home. But saying that, I'd expect to keep the other son separate as he wasn't invited to the 'party'.

So you'd take them somewhere separate, not invite yourselves!

At the end of the day, a theme park is a public place. The only thing you can say no to is that there isn’t space in the car. But his taking his other child there on the same day is IMO not your call to make.

It’s possible that the younger son was upset/wanted to go and he said that they could go too (which they are totally within their rights to do) and then figured that since you’re all going now you could share the ride.

So all you have to do is say that it’s great he will be taking Mark’s brother for the day, unfortunately there isn’t space for you all in the car, but you’re happy to meet up for lunch/some cake at some point.

Job done.

...this thread is really enlightening - people's views on this are so different. He's 8 and the dad already agreed to him going to the theme park and hasnt said why hes now changing it (mark is nervous etc?) without this info it is really cheeky to invite yourself along to an event ..... I don't understand why people dont see this ? Parents who stay at parties when its not necessary and invite other siblings are annoying..let your kids have some independence, stay nearby if it nakes you feel better.
Hopefully the car thing will resolve this

Please don’t do this!

Ew, absolutely not. Nothing worse than people who are incapable of having an adult conversation and so they choose to speak through small children.