For being sad that I didn’t get invited to DH friend’s wedding

[Shopaddict]

My DH’s friend is getting married end of next year, and last week an envelope addressed to my husband was posted through the door which was the invite to his friend’s wedding and his friend confirmed that it was just DH and no plus ones. They’ve been friends for almost 20 years. I’ve been with my husband for 8 years, married for 5, almost 6.

we’ve known about the wedding for a while now as we were both given a save the date, and from that I assumed I was invited too. I was quite excited, but I’ve been a bit sad for the past week at not being invited. I’m fine with my husband going on his own, and I’ll probably just have a chill day at home and pamper myself. But I’m still a bit disappointed, which I think might be an overreaction.

My husband and I didn’t have a wedding, just an us and parents only registry office thing as I’ve never liked the idea of having a big wedding for myself. But had we have had a big wedding, I would have invited friend’s and their partners, especially if they’re married as I feel that’s what is “normal”.

I’m sorry if I’ve rambled, I don’t want to drip feed

He’s not really going alone, he will be there with 4 close friends celebrating the marriage of another close friend.

Yes.

Other than inviting work colleagues where I totally understand partners not being invited, I think it's really odd to ask half a married or established couple.

The cost difference between buying a meal for 80 people at a fancy venue or a less fancy venue is not that big. All “hotel weddings” are expensive.

So unless you are booking a room in a pub and bringing plates of quiche (and I have been to lovely weddings like this!) then choosing a venue whose size fits your budget is really the biggest decision. Sure, you can save £100 or £200 here and there on the flowers and cake, but if the venue is charging you £70 per head or whatever, that doesn’t create many more seats at the tables.

I also think it is entirely up to the couple to have a wedding for 50 in the venue they love rather than one for 100 in a pub back room, if that’s what would make them happiest.

We picked our venue in part for size and in part for location (very near frail in-laws) - there is always a juggle and honestly, the spouse of a friend wouldn’t come close to the top of the list vs close family needs.

We picked our venue in part for size and in part for location (very near frail in-laws) - there is always a juggle and honestly, the spouse of a friend wouldn’t come close to the top of the list vs close family needs.

It’s interesting - when you get a wedding thread on MN along the lines of “My son isn’t inviting my dear old aunt, who he hasn’t seen since 2005 but who held him on the day he was born; his grandmother is devastated…”, you'll get a queue of posters criticising the son for prioritising friends, saying “friends come and go but family is forever…”

Yet on a thread like this, where the bride and groom appear to have found a fair, if controversial, way of limiting numbers, that’s wrong too. Don’t invite friends at the expense of family, but by no means exclude the partners of the friends you do invite; never expect anyone to travel or take a day off… There was even a poster on this thread waxing lyrical about how much she disliked her husband’s friend, only to then say how “miffed” she was not to be invited to his wedding! I wonder can brides and grooms ever win…

It seems as though wedding invitation lists are always going to be "wrong".

On a different day, on a different thread, there would be an OP posting that she had been invited to the wedding of one of her DH's close friends who she didn't know that well, and she didn't really want to go, but didn't know how to get out of it without causing offense.

YY @SpiggingBelgium

Somehow everyone only sees the compromise that affects them and not the ones that happened in other areas 😀

Get a venue that can hold your guest list.

Sigh.

What if you marry later than your friends and they all have spouses and kids and MN gets on your case if you want a child free wedding? What if you need to get married in granny’s village because she’s very frail and can’t travel and there’s only one local hotel with capacity of 100 and that’s booked for two years and granny might die and miss it if you wait that long? What if the groom is more outgoing than the bride and has a much longer friend list - should the bride get to ask friends and spouses but the groom just friends, so it is fair?

Ironically, OP had almost nobody at her wedding, and somehow this seems less controversial to many posters than not inviting a few plus ones.

Any wedding is the couple finding the best compromise and still having the day they want. Surely you see that?

Sick grannies, child free weddings are all perfectly fine.

A very small wedding is also perfectly fine.

Not inviting the wife of an old friend is not ok.

I went to a wedding this year where I was actually surprised my husband was invited. I knew the bride well and spent time with the groom but they didn't know my husband that well so we both assumed he wouldn't be invited.

It's fine, it's not personal and just a numbers issue.

Getting hung up about what's expected and what's polite etc is just silly and causes resentment and challenges that don't need to be there.

I think we need to normalize the acceptance that people can make their own choices about their own fucking weddings, parties etc it's madness!

So you invite 25 couples (and get half the number of presents!), or 50 single people. You don't ask 50 people to come without their spouse. It's rude.

But why is it rude? There is no universal definition of "rudeness". This thread alone, shows you that people have differing opinions.

Interesting to see that you edited your original post, where you suggested getting a cheaper venue that can hold all your guests. Perhaps even you can see that a venue that’s both cheaper and bigger will be a) difficult to find and b) below expectations.

How far are couples meant to reduce their budgets to fit “everyone” in? The bigger the list, the more people think they should be on it. If you state you’re only inviting aunts and uncles and not cousins, your cousins might be disappointed, but they know where they stand and why. If, however, you then extend the list to include three cousins to whom you’re closer, meaning six more guests if they have partners, does the other side of the family then feel they should have six more guests too? And do you have to include all cousins because you’ve invited some? And do you have to do this on both sides? And once you’ve invited all those cousins, can you tell them it’s a child free wedding to keep costs down, or do you have to invite their kids too because it’s a massive imposition to expect people to arrange childcare?

It only takes a bit of imagination to see how a guest list can grow very quickly - and you still end up offending someone. The more casual friend who would have understood not being invited to a smaller wedding now sees you’re having a “big” wedding and wondering why they didn’t make the cut. Single people who didn’t get a plus one and accepted that that would be expensive start to think “Hang on; second cousin Harold who they haven’t seen in decades got to come AND bring his wife. I see Kate every couple of weeks but can’t bring my new boyfriend?!” It’s a minefield.

Ok so they have not invited any of the partners then? So that's 5 people that they have made place for. If the other women are new to the group then I can completely see how inviting none of you would be the best thing to do. It would cause issues inviting you, even though they know you well and not invite the newer partners.
Makes complete sense and I wouldn't take it personally then.

So if you wanted you would have invited friends to your wedding...but you didn't

And you were planning a party...but then you didn't

I'm sure people would have still enjoyed a late party given the circumstances

It does sound like you are happy with your choices but not that of others

So it wouldn’t be rude to say to 25 of your friends, “Sorry you didn’t make the cut, but if we invite you we can’t invite Ken’s wife, who we’ve only met three times, but will be mortally offended if she attends an event without him”?

Agree with this. Even more weird that OP's DH nor OP have even discussed it.

It's basic etiquette.
When you invite half of a couple, you are inevitably going to hurt the feelings of the other half.
You are also showing you don't respect their relationship, whilst expecting them to honour yours. If you don't care enough about my marriage to acknowledge my husband, why would I care enough about yours to come to your wedding?

OP has met them a lot though. She’s been married 8 years, they see each other at parties and meet ups.

It’s very rude not to invite the wife in that circumstance.

Again, as per this thread, it clearly isn’t “basic etiquette” given the range of views.

Many of which are more harshly put than OP’s own… she is a bit sad but has decided to make another plan for the day. Very sensible response!

TTFN, folks.

If you love and care for your friend then you accept their choice.