For being sad that I didn’t get invited to DH friend’s wedding

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My DH’s friend is getting married end of next year, and last week an envelope addressed to my husband was posted through the door which was the invite to his friend’s wedding and his friend confirmed that it was just DH and no plus ones. They’ve been friends for almost 20 years. I’ve been with my husband for 8 years, married for 5, almost 6.

we’ve known about the wedding for a while now as we were both given a save the date, and from that I assumed I was invited too. I was quite excited, but I’ve been a bit sad for the past week at not being invited. I’m fine with my husband going on his own, and I’ll probably just have a chill day at home and pamper myself. But I’m still a bit disappointed, which I think might be an overreaction.

My husband and I didn’t have a wedding, just an us and parents only registry office thing as I’ve never liked the idea of having a big wedding for myself. But had we have had a big wedding, I would have invited friend’s and their partners, especially if they’re married as I feel that’s what is “normal”.

I’m sorry if I’ve rambled, I don’t want to drip feed

I think it makes more sense now if all the other friends aren’t having a plus one. They will probably put them all on a table together or split it if the bride has a group of unmarried girlfriends who don’t have plus ones. They’re probably trying to save money and think it would be fairer to not invite any plus ones and have it as a bit of lads get together for them.

Sorry for disappearing! I've only just been able to sit down and catch up.

Wow there are a few people saying that they must not like me. I'm fairly certain they do, otherwise I wouldn't be invited to meet ups and parties. I'm sorry that you don't like me from my OP, but doesn't mean that everyone dislikes me.

We had a party booked, the hall paid for and a date. We sent out invites but due to covid it had to be cancelled. So it wasn't a maybe thing, it was happening. We've not been in the position to re-arrange it.

Our wedding was literally just a legal thing, essentially eloping. Only our parents were there. My brothers weren't even invited. We got married and then went home, that was it, with the plan to have a party in the future (which as I said above, was planned but covid caused it to be cancelled).

There wasn't an apology, my DH just sent a screenshot of his friend saying no plus ones. I'm not sure if DH asked as it was cropped to only show his friend's message. I don't know if DH asked about it, I didn't ask and I'm fine with just leaving it.

I don't want to tell DH that I'm upset, I don't want him to feel guilty for going and not have a good time because I'm not there. I'm actually embarrassed and annoyed with myself for being upset (I'm fine now, just needed somewhere to write down my feelings instead of bottling it up). I've not asked about how he feels, and he's not one to be open about his feelings if something has upset him. We're both the type to just bottle stuff up and deal with it on our own. It's how we've always been.

@CandidFinch sorry on mobile now so can't quote you.

It was actually handed to me. You're really searching for something that isn't there

I’d be asking myself exactly why I was so upset — I’m not intending to be snide, but unless you’d run out and bought an outfit and arranged childcare or taken annual leave or something, I’m genuinely not sure I understand what’s knocked you so much about this.

It’s clearly not a personal snub, or anything to do with you as an individual not being liked by the bride and groom, they’ve just decided it’s simpler to treat this friendship group as a unit, and not invite wives or girlfriends. DH and I have been a couple for nearly 30 years, and married for aeons, but he’s certainly been invited to a couple of weddings solo over the past few years. I didn’t give it a second thought.

Nope, I never said that. I never responded to you asking if DH asked if I was invited or not. I don't know if he asked, because I don't know.

Why do you have such a problem with me and keep picking at what I say? I'm going to ignore you after this. You're not being helpful or nice.

I don’t know anyone who behaves like that.

The sort of person who is trying to keep the costs down for their own wedding which is just about everyone. OP wanted a really small wedding with just family. Maybe her DH's friends wanted quite a small wedding and therefore wanted to restrict invitations their actual friends. They might have felt obliged to invite OP too if she had invited them to her wedding but she didn't.

*it wasn’t just my wedding! It was my husbands too

Personally if I was Dave, I’d understand that Ken was a closer friend - that’s natural. But I think it was a bit shit that I was considered such a lesser friend that Dave effectively got two invitations when I got none.

I didn't say it was just your wedding.

if she had invited them to her wedding but she didn't

my husband could have invited them but he didn’t.

If I was Ken and was invited without my wife, I'd assume that the couple didn't actually want me there anyway otherwise they wouldn't have excluded my life partner, and would decline. I suppose that works out fine as that leaves space for Dave.

Hi OP, this is another wedding story that emphasises how there is always someone who is going to be upset about something! I'm not married but several of my friend's weddings had partners who were invited to evening only.
I'd let this go (as I have had to do re a family related family wedding).
Take care

If you were Ken, and were aware that Dave, Bob, Nigel and Gaz, your entire friendship group, were all also invited without their girlfriends or a +1, I’d see the logic and not start grandstanding about how the bride and groom must not really want me there if they Didn’t Invite My Life Partner.

I mean, surely you can be apart from one another for half a day without it constituting some kind of friendship-ending insult?

From now on if you and the other female partners who weren’t invited, don’t feel like going to any of their social events in the future at least you can easily decline or cancel as you feel since it’s clear you’re not considered so central to the group by the men !

I don’t think it’s personal to you as some suggested, since other partners haven’t been invited to so just enjoy your day at the spa.

I do still think it’s weird and rude that they sent you a save the date though and didn’t apologise later when it turned out they couldn’t invite you.

You and your DH didn't invite the man who your DH sees as a brother to your wedding so you can't complain when you are not invited to their wedding. They are probably trying to keep the numbers/cost down.

It's not about whether I'm capable of spending half a day without my husband. He's more than happy not to come with me to a girl's night or a pottery painting party or similar. I'm very happy to stay at home when he goes out to play pool. That's not the same as a wedding. Why I would want to attend a party, especially one where the main focus is on the joys of coupledom and love, without him?

What sort of a person doesn't invite someone to their wedding because they weren't invited to a family only wedding? It's only reciprocal surely if they had other friends there?

Surely someone who had a family only wedding can understand how someone might want a smaller, no partners wedding?

Just hopping on to explain all the deletions on this thread. Unfortunately it was being derailed by a previously banned troll - we've banned their account by now and have removed a bunch of posts that we felt were inflammatory and not in the spirit of the site. Hopefully the thread can get back on track now.

Sorry, OP!

They invited him because he is their friend though and people usually want their friends at their wedding. Plus ones are invited more out of politeness/obligation. There is an extra cost to that and I can see that someone might not feel so obliged if they weren't invited to your wedding.

"there's a lot of basic etiquette for weddings which is frequently forgotten because the bride and groom forget that they're not the most important people in the world" I don't think most brides and grooms (or couples) getting married think they're the most important people in the world, but more that they're the most important people at the wedding- which they are? If I'm getting married I'm not doing something I don't want just because someone else has decided it's "basic etiquette".