For being sad that I didn’t get invited to DH friend’s wedding

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My DH’s friend is getting married end of next year, and last week an envelope addressed to my husband was posted through the door which was the invite to his friend’s wedding and his friend confirmed that it was just DH and no plus ones. They’ve been friends for almost 20 years. I’ve been with my husband for 8 years, married for 5, almost 6.

we’ve known about the wedding for a while now as we were both given a save the date, and from that I assumed I was invited too. I was quite excited, but I’ve been a bit sad for the past week at not being invited. I’m fine with my husband going on his own, and I’ll probably just have a chill day at home and pamper myself. But I’m still a bit disappointed, which I think might be an overreaction.

My husband and I didn’t have a wedding, just an us and parents only registry office thing as I’ve never liked the idea of having a big wedding for myself. But had we have had a big wedding, I would have invited friend’s and their partners, especially if they’re married as I feel that’s what is “normal”.

I’m sorry if I’ve rambled, I don’t want to drip feed

Unless it's a tiny wedding at a registry office and then to a pub or restaurant for just a close group of family and friends then I think it's incredibly rude!
As the other wives/girlfriends aren't invited either, do you think the groom thought it would be a lad's night out? It's still bloody rude in my book.
Having said that, I'm surprised neither you or your DH have brought the subject up!

Same happened to me. Sod them xxxxx

because people would marry locally and hire out a hotel room for the evening and invite everyone for the reception,

I am not completely sure what you mean
by “marry locally” - only one of my friends lives where she grew up. Most of us move away, meet people who also moved away from their childhood town, etc etc.

My mum and dad met at work in London, but got married in the south west where my maternal grandparents lived (where my mum lived too from 12-18) My dad grew up in north London.

It is just very likely that many guests have to travel to a wedding and stay overnight, even if the couple are getting married local to either their current house or a parental home.

Yes, you were rude. And now you're doubling down with saying I was making daft statements. You're also being paranoid for suggesting I was making some kind of "gotcha" moment. Got who, exactly?

I would be upset

You make the point perfectly- you invited friends and partners but not those of a few months. OP and her husband are married so would have been invited under the close friends and partners bracket.
And I totally get the broadly child free thing, it's easier to have one blanket rule

But this is also a blanket rule, just a different one - no plus ones from this friendship group (and possibly from any friendship group, bride or groom)

And there are plenty of MN posters who make similar comments about child free weddings to those on here “marriage is about family, you should invite other people’s families” “if you can’t afford to invite kids you should have a less fancy wedding” etc etc

Yes, you were rude.

Well, your comment was ridiculous.

And now you're doubling down with saying I was making daft statements.

Which is what I felt all along.

But it sounds to my as if the bride and groom are coming at it from a group POV, ie treating all this friendship group the same. If the deciding factor was ‘only invite spouses’, then the OP would be the only woman/non member of the group attending with the five guys, and theres a potential source of dissent if Nigel is cross they didn’t invite his girlfriend just because they’re not married etc etc.

I can see why you are disappointed - but it sounds to me like a cost/numbers thing. you've been together with you DH a long time, but as you say, others haven't been together with their partners well - I guess the line with this group of friends is "no partners" to be fair to them all?

A bit silly to send YOU a save the date though? and Im surprised they've not invited partners to the evening at least - perhaps they still might.

I agree, I was commenting more that times have changed. By marry locally, I'm going back to my parents generation, where many people met and married locally in a cheaper venue

Nowadays, like you say, our generation are far more likely to move around and settle elsewhere and have a posher do with less people.

Often you see posts where older family members inmpartucular haven't caught up to the idea and seem to think second cousins and their own friends will be invited to a Big Do when the couple are planning something more intimate.

In this instance, I do think it's a shame that OP hasn't been invited but it may be that the couple are doing a the smaller modern wedding rather than the big bash and that's fine, it's their choice.

Edited to add - it's genuinely interesting how we both have different views of our parents generation :) we were from a medium size town where noone went tonuni, soni think that limited travel. I'm sure London was a bit more central for travel as well :)

I think not inviting random plus ones is fine, but it’s rude not to invite established partners/spouses @BrunetteHarpy

And of course it’s their choice, but actions have consequences: it’s obvious they’ll upset people

That's disappointing for you but its probably easier for them to not include any partners of that friend's group of the groom rather than just 1.
Also as you had a small wedding yourself without friends, they might think you aren't into bigger wedding. So this made the decision easier for them.
A friend of mine had a similar wedding to yours with no friends invited. Her best friend got married a year later and my friend was very upset not to be asked to be bridesmaid.
Her bf reason was that my friend had said while organising her own wedding, that she didn't like bigger weddings. So didn't include her in the wedding party.

Jesus, it’s a wedding not a summon. And they invited their friend and not other +1 to keep numbers down. As long as they’re not offended if people can’t make it, there’s no issue here. They’re not the royal family and no one’s been offended. Stop clutching your pearls.

I think you should tell your dh you’re a bit hurt at not being invited, people really should share those feelings with their partners. Then plan a fabulous time on your own for the date. personally I’d also judge the friend a bit and think twice before putting myself out for them!

you say your dh might have known and not felt like telling you, that he’d never ask for you to come to something and you’re only invited if it’s obvious you’re invited. That’s a bit shit I’m sorry, is he a bit shit in other ways? Please tell him how you feel.

Sounds like all the men of group are invited but not partners

Makes sense

Keeps cost down

If all partners invited and you aren't then that's wrong

are you good friends with the other partners - maybe that day you all get together for a spa /shopping /meal /day out

You prob upset people when didn't Invite them to your wedding

Sounds like not even dh friend like a brother (groom) was invited to yours

It’s staggeringly rude to send a save the date and then effectively uninvite you!

I have never been to a wedding where plus ones were not invited, I suspect it would be poorly attended.

We would decline as well. I think you should be honest about your feelings with dh.

How the bloody hell should I know?! It’s just bad form in my opinion to exclude someone’s partner who you know well, like, and has been with the invited guest for a long time.

I’ve arranged a wedding whilst I was on maternity leave so we were on a tight budget and still managed to invite the partners of our guests. I’d rather cut costs on the flowers or the table decorations or the favours than cause upset and tension amongst the guests and their spouses.

Again, it’s often venue capacity that’s the issue. If the venue takes 60, then it takes 60. So you have to make a call between a great aunt and a friend’s plus one.

Everyone will make a different call, and every call will offend someone.

Yeah this. ^ I would be really upset if my husband went to a wedding without me - when I hadn't been invited - and he would if I did. I would be questioning our marriage tbh. Fact is, neither of us would do this to each other.

And as has been said by a number of posters it is very odd that the OP doesn't know her husband's friends, after 8 years together. Within a month or two of meeting DH/starting to date him, I knew all his friends - male and female, and they became my friends too. Also, within 4-5 months, I was invited to a family wedding (a cousin of his,) and also to several parties of his friends (two 21sts, and an engagement party.) That's how relationships/friendships work surely?

I mean we have our own individual friends who we see separately of course, but if any of our individual friends have anything like a family wedding or a big party (a 50th or 40th etc,) they always invite me us both. I would consider it crass and vulgar and classless to invite someone and not their spouse. (Or long term partner/the person they live with.) Odd behaviour, and very rude IMO.

.

Again, there are other ways to cut costs rather than deliberately causing upset and tension in your friends relationships. I just wouldn’t do it. You would, that’s fine.

So, question is how close is your DH to them and how close are you? One of DHs best friends did this when they got married - we live hours away from them so I’d only met them a handful of times over the years whereas DH had been friends with the groom since childhood and often saw him without me/friends wife. DH was invited to the wedding but I wasn’t. I did feel a bit put out - DH and I were engaged at the time and had been together for 8 years. But they had restrictions on numbers at their venue and the friend barely knew me and his wife knew me even less. I further understood when we got married and were in the same boat - DHs childhood friend was invited to our wedding but his wife was only invited to the evening do as neither of us knew her well. We were tight on guest numbers and we only invited both parts of a couple if we knew knew both of them very well in their own right saw them as friends, rather than as X’s plus 1. We wanted to know every guest at our wedding personally and very well and know who they were - not look and go “is that X’s girlfriend?”.

You have repeated the mention of cost cutting, but that wasn’t my point - what is your “other way” to get around venue capacity limitations?

Also, just because I have an opinion on a person’s approach, don’t presume that my approach was the same. It’s entirely possible to argue outside of one’s own experience.

I wouldn't be remotely bothered if my husband went to the wedding of someone he was good friends with but I hardly knew. And he wouldn't care if I did likewise.

I think it's a lot more normal these days for couples to have separate friends and not to socialise together or to be friends with each others' friends. Expecting to do everything as a couple feels like a hark back to times when women were not allowed out without their husbands :)

deliberately causing upset and tension in your friends relationships.

So this isn’t about the bride and groom deciding who they want at their wedding, this is a malicious plan on their part to cause their friends some problems?

It’s some effort to go to, planning a wedding and pledging lifelong commitment just for a dastardly plot to stir up trouble. Hats off to them if that’s the case!

I do think this is really rude, and I would be upset too op. There’s no way my OH would go without me though - he’d decline the invite and likely tell his friend why (I am guessing, but I know him). It’s up to your DH but I am surprised he would go alone. I do think occasions like weddings should include partners - inviting one and not the other is rude, and just a recipe for resentment. And inviting one to the whole thing and the other to just the evening part is on a whole new level of cheap.