For being sad that I didn’t get invited to DH friend’s wedding

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My DH’s friend is getting married end of next year, and last week an envelope addressed to my husband was posted through the door which was the invite to his friend’s wedding and his friend confirmed that it was just DH and no plus ones. They’ve been friends for almost 20 years. I’ve been with my husband for 8 years, married for 5, almost 6.

we’ve known about the wedding for a while now as we were both given a save the date, and from that I assumed I was invited too. I was quite excited, but I’ve been a bit sad for the past week at not being invited. I’m fine with my husband going on his own, and I’ll probably just have a chill day at home and pamper myself. But I’m still a bit disappointed, which I think might be an overreaction.

My husband and I didn’t have a wedding, just an us and parents only registry office thing as I’ve never liked the idea of having a big wedding for myself. But had we have had a big wedding, I would have invited friend’s and their partners, especially if they’re married as I feel that’s what is “normal”.

I’m sorry if I’ve rambled, I don’t want to drip feed

Yes, it would, which is why you don't say that. You invite the people that you are closest to, recognising that at weddings established couples come as a package deal, so if Ken is closer to you than Dave then Ken and his wife come and Dave and his partner do not. If Dave asks, you can say you just had a very small celebration. Dave might be upset to find that you consider Ken more of a friend than him, but he will not be shocked to find that you invited Ken's wife and didn't expect Ken to come on his own!

MN is not the obvious place to expect general grasp of basic etiquette. It is full of posters who “lose their shit in Asda” and have slanging matches in street,

But there is no "basic etiquette".

I couldn't care less if DH's friends don't invite me to their things and he equally doesn't care about not being invited to my friends'. We are not joined at the hip. We are perfectly capable of doing things by ourselves.

I think the couple have handled this wrong.

I personally think it’s bad that you were included in the save the date invite and then not invited to the wedding. They messaged DH to say it’s just him and no “plus one” makes me cringe a bit. It’s very not personal. There should have been a better apology to someone that they are close to and apparently like brothers.

Even a message that reads along the lines of “So sorry X, I know we put your DW on the save the date invite but due to financial reasons we’re having to make cuts on numbers so can’t accommodate DW now. We really hope you are still able to come and see us marry”

So my answer is No apology and calling you a plus one = rude

Apology message = fair enough, move on and enjoy your pamper day.

If a good friend of mine called me and explained that due to money they can’t invite my DH i would really expect that they explained and took the time to call me

I would find it bad of them if they invited DH on save the date then send me an invite with “no plus one” on

It’s irrelevant. Not inviting a close friend’s spouse because you don’t like them is even more rude and it is insulting to the close friend as well.

Agree with this.

You always see this on MN, married couples leading almost completely separate lives and socialising separately, but it's not how most couples work in real life and whether or not you agree, most people would agree that it's rude. I would go so far as to say that most people, invited without their spouse, would not go.

There absolutely is basic etiquette, in fact, there's a lot of basic etiquette for weddings which is frequently forgotten because the bride and groom forget that they're not the most important people in the world because they are getting married. Hence why there are so many posts about how friends and families have fallen out over weddings done badly.

Agreed.

The MN massive are obsessed with not wearing cream to weddings but apparently you can be as rude to your guests as you like.

I have yeah.

If it’s frequently forgotten then I would say, by definition, it’s no longer basic etiquette.

It is, apparently, traditional to keep the front few pews for family. I wasn’t bothered but my mum was, so we did that.

It’s traditional for fathers to give brides away. Many don’t now, because it’s patriarchal.

It’s traditional for the groom and best man and father of the bride to speak. Now sometimes the chief bridesmaid and bride will also speak.

Which - if any - of these is “basic etiquette”?

I'm sorry, it's weird to only invite one half of a married couple, unless they are very casual friends like work friends. A good friend of 20 years, that is a snub, unless they are having a small wedding.

What you could have done for your own wedding is completely immaterial. You didn't.

Normally I would think it rude not to invite the spouse of a friend but you didn't invite them to your own wedding so I think it hypocritical to complain.

It's not irrelevant. OP could have invited them to her wedding but didn't so why expect an invitation to theirs?

Neither did OP's DH, but he got an invite.

What sort of a person doesn't invite someone to their wedding because they weren't invited to a family only wedding? It's only reciprocal surely if they had other friends there?

Also, "OP" is only half of the couple that didn't invite friends - and it's also her husband's friend not hers! Don't you think it would be especially mean for the friend to basically be saying, "your wife isn't invited to our wedding because you, my friend, didn't invite me to your wedding?"

I suppose a couple that elopes with just their parents should then expect to never be invited to any wedding, for the rest of their lives. And the ones who got married with only a very small group because of Covid may as well throw away all their formal wear. 😂

We were handed it in person, at a meet up where they knew we'd both be there