To make up an excuse to not go? Also... can you help with the excuse please?

[Rebeccaa1996]

I have agreed to go to an event Sunday with a group of old friends. It's a meal and drinks to celebrate a big birthday. I've now seen the menus online and it's going to be bit pricey and I think a shared bill with everyone ordering carefree whatever they like. I'm a bit tighter for cash than the rest of the group would know and I know the venue isn't negotiable and don't want to have to single myself out by asking to pay individually for items. Über will be at least £30 and the dinner split will be I think £40-50.

Would it be really terrible and mean to not go? I like the group but the idea of £80 spent on a night out feels like a lot of money which honestly I could do with for Christmas.

And if I do, what's the best way to excuse myself without looking like I don't care about the birthday friend?

Could you go buy just have tap water and a nann bread ? People wouldn't want to split that cost with you.

I suggest lying because its the easiest option for everyone sometimes
Stops them being hurt and also stops you having to give personal info you might not want to.
I don't see why its so outrageous - do people never lie to spare feelings or make situations easier?

exactly and driving means you can't drink, so a ready made excuse to not split the bill with the drinkers if you don't want to disclose tight financials.

Don’t outright lie, it’s just unnecessary. I’d send a message saying something like:

I’m so sorry for the late notice but I won’t be able to make the meal, had a couple of unexpected bills come out this month and with Christmas coming up I just can’t afford to eat out without stretching myself too thin. Hope you have a fabulous birthday, gutted to miss it xx

It’s a difficult one - I’ve been in your position OP where friends make considerably more than me and I simply can’t justify the cost of the meals/ weekends they want to go on. But then there have been a few threads on here recently about friends flaking on milestone birthday events which have really upset the birthday boy/ girl and meant they haven’t had a birthday celebration.

i think unless it’s going to get you into debt you’re going to have to suck it up and go if you consider this person a good friend. I wouldn’t limit what I eat and drink if the bill will be split evenly regardless - you not drinking or going for cheaper option is going to have little impact on how much you pay so you might as well have a good time.

maybe for your own milestone birthday book somewhere equally as expensive so you have a good time on your birthday.

another option is can you split a taxi or stay at a friends to at least reduce the travel costs?

It's not the easy option though.

It's super obvious when people do this, and it just damages the friendship, often permanently. OP can just drive and limit their spending. That's the easy option.

I find it best to apologise without giving a reason: "I'm so sorry, I would love to be there but can no longer make it. Hope you guys have a wonderful time." Keep it positive and cheery.

If they then push, I say "Just have some things going on, will try and catch up with you soon".

As soon as you give a reason, people try to find solutions or judge on how good enough the excuse is.

@Hoppinggreen lying really doesn't stop people being hurt.

It might be the easiest option for the liar, but it is most definitely not easy to be on the receiving end of lies and last minute cancellations.

And the host will be hurt, and won't believe the lie. Or at the very least will have doubts as to whether you lied or not.

Yes it is fine to lie if asked "do you like my new hair cut".

No it is not fine to lie when leaving a friend in the lurch, cancelling agreed plans, or going back on what you previously said you would do.

And saying that money is a bit tight for you at the moment is hardly 'personal information'. Everyone understands that.

I don't understand why you can't just say:

"Looking forward to seeing you all this weekend! I'm on a strict budget before Christmas and I need to keep things under £50 / insert amount so I'll just be coming for drinks after the meal / ordering the salad / not drinking."

They're your friends, I don't understand why this is a big deal. And then you don't have to miss out completely or risk jeopardising your long-term friendships..

I'm shocked at most people's go-to being to lie about illness or just cancel without explanation!

But it’s very awkward and difficult when the event turns out to be far more expensive than someone can afford. That’s a bit different than being invited to dinner at someone’s house, for example. And we’ve surely all seen people being guilt tripped into going - when they clearly can’t afford to.

It can if they believe you

What are you going to do OP?

What have you decided?

As clary said. Drive, don't drink, and tell them in advance that you are skint and have been wondering if you should cancel because you can't afford it, but you might be able to manage if it's ok to have a separate bill as you will be driving and not drinking.

Then it will be fairly cheap and they will probably leave you out of any group cocktail purchase for the birthday girl.

Ye gods, if someone said this to me/ a close friend about not coming to a special birthday celebration I would assume I’d mortally offended them. Or that their personality had changed dramatically into utterly rude and flaky.

I think it would be a shame not to go just because of the costs. Agree with others that the better idea would be to drive and maybe say you had a massive late lunch and so will just order a few soft drinks and maybe a starter. I know it’s utterly dispiriting to organise something like this and only have a few people turn up so I’d make the effort to go unless it is genuinely impossible.

I don't need to lie about something like this to my friends, because they'd completely understand! My friends would not be hurt if I couldn't afford to do something, no true friend would.

This is literally the mantra of the flaky.

If you’re dropping out of a special birthday party don’t you think the person will be hurt anyway? You get to have the feels because you’ve not hurt their feelings whilst they’re sitting at an empty table on a special birthday (there have been a few threads about this which have been heartbreaking).

The only decent way to do something like this if you really can’t go is to phone the person and explain, honestly what the issue is. Otherwise I’d expect to be ghosted TBH- people see through this pretty easily.

Oh gosh. How tricky.

Don’t lie to your friend. That’s not on. Either tell her you’re so sorry you just can’t afford it, or drive and discretely have your own bill.

Whatever you do, don’t text the night before saying you’ve got a tummy bug or something. That’s not the way to treat people and she will know you’re lying and think you just can’t be bothered to go, which will hurt her feelings.

Bailing on people is so common, that I don’t think you would be believed.

It would if you did it well and set the scene properly first.
Maybe they wouldn't 100% even then but they might give you the benefir of the doubt.

I agree, driving and paying for your own share I would have thought would be £30 max
Unless you have had some bad financial news why did you agree to go in the first place and think a 40 mile round trip Uber would be cheap ?
Another who finds it off that people are happy to lie to their friends at the drop of a hat

You say that the event was arranged as a save the date and details of the venue which is expensive to eat/drink and expensive to get to was confirmed much later. You say you initially tried to decline but it was made difficult to do. I think this changes the scenario. You didn't realise that you were signing up for an expensive meal and drink plus transport costs for the "unique" venue. How did you try to decline? Were you talked into it by somebody - the organizer? Frankly, I think the organiser should have been much more thoughtful about costs especially if you're not terribly close friends these days. I mean the birthday person and the organiser aren't really hosting a birthday party. They've just booked a table at an expensive restaurant. Are presents expected too? In your circumstances I think the only sensible thing is to feign a positive covid test.

Been up all night throwing up haven't you? Got this flu thing that's going around. You feel dreadful but you'll get together with her when you're better.

How many people are going? What happened when you tried to pull out before and what excuse did you give? Do you know how everyone else is travelling there? Do they all drink, have kids? Just trying to work out if any taxi costs can be shared or if any of the others won't be drinking or may also be financially strapped.

That sounds exhausting