To make up an excuse to not go? Also... can you help with the excuse please?

[Rebeccaa1996]

I have agreed to go to an event Sunday with a group of old friends. It's a meal and drinks to celebrate a big birthday. I've now seen the menus online and it's going to be bit pricey and I think a shared bill with everyone ordering carefree whatever they like. I'm a bit tighter for cash than the rest of the group would know and I know the venue isn't negotiable and don't want to have to single myself out by asking to pay individually for items. Über will be at least £30 and the dinner split will be I think £40-50.

Would it be really terrible and mean to not go? I like the group but the idea of £80 spent on a night out feels like a lot of money which honestly I could do with for Christmas.

And if I do, what's the best way to excuse myself without looking like I don't care about the birthday friend?

OP did say she'd only just seen the menu, in fairness.

This would piss me off if it's for a big birthday you should make the effort. Has it been planned for a long time? If so you should have been putting money aside.

@Moveoverdarlin not in my life it isn't.
There is no way I could afford £80 for a night out.
You should be thankful you are lucky enough to be able to afford that.

Make an effort to what, pull money out of her arse? If she can't afford it, she can't afford it. No need for the pointless guilt trip. For a lot of people £80 is an obscene amount of money to spend on a single meal the month before Christmas.

That is tricky. In that case you had probably better tell them you can't afford it.

This. It is a special event for your friend. Pulling out now is just rude. Is there no one else going who lives near you to save on transport costs? I you have to drive you could have a main course and one glass of something to toast her. Then just tell them that you're paying for your own apart from any contribution to the friend's food or drink.I'm also amazed at the number of people who are outraged that a night out with dinner would cost £50!

Bit of a drip feed, OP! That puts a different slant on it. If you couldn't afford it then you should have stood up for yourself and said no when it was being arranged.

@MadKittenWoman most people don't frequently have £50 to spend on a night out.
Plus 40th Birthday isn't really that special. It's just a birthday.

Appreciate that some people might not have that money to spend but the OP signed up for a meal out, so how much realistically would you expect that to cost?

And it's widely acknowledged that a 40th birthday isn't just any old birthday hence why it's called a milestone.

This is the problem with coming up with excuses that aren't genuine! They're your friends, they want you there, so of course they'll look for ways around them. It's only awkward for you, as you're the one telling porkies!

If you'd said "I can't afford that before Christmas" as soon as you were told the place name, fair dos. Now when you try to blag being ill on the day or whatever, the conversation will be "She was coming up with all kinds of excuses, I knew she didn't want to come".

Well, some people do think a 40th birthday is a special occasion. OP should have insisted that she couldn't go when it was being arranged if she couldn't afford to go out. Some people, like me, go out very rarely but when we do we expect to pay for it. The cost of the Uber aside, £50 for dinner out at a proper restaurant is really not unusual. If she can't afford it at all, she should be honest and not lie to her friends. If she really can't be arsed in general, it won't matter if people are offended.

@horizoner well in my world a meal out would be something like Pizza Hut and if you have the buffet meal that's about £16 I think.

@MadKittenWoman that's what I have been saying since the start - tell the truth that it's too expensive and not make up a silly "I have COVID" lie.

She said she was told awhile ago to save the date. She should have said no end of. People that make excuses are shitty friends. I've just spent 200 on a weekend away for a 40th it was planned months in advance so ppl can put £20 a month aside, you make the effort for people. Anyone with a brain knows a big birthday doesn't mean it's going to be down the local pub.

In your world, if you're happy with that, then that's great. In other worlds, people have different tastes and expectations, as I'm sure you can agree.

@Whippetlovely again it depends on what is normal in your lifestyle.
In my family and friends a meal at a pub is exactly the type of thing we do on a "milestone" birthday.
So if I was asked right now if I am available to celebrate cousin Bobs birthday next March I would probably say "yeah ok" . If I then found out nearer the time that's it's actually in an awkward to get to place and will cost about 80 quid I would have to say "Sorry Bob - but I can't afford that".

@MadKittenWoman yes but if I wanted to have certain friends there that badly I would make sure we go to a place we could all afford or I would pay for my friend.
I think I said upthread - what is more important to the birthday girl. Some food? Or friendship?

How is a half hour drive awkward? You're making it sound like she's got to go to the other side of the country!!

FFS…

@horizoner sorry I might be wrong but I think the OP said it was an "off the beaten track" place.

The ‘food for the table’ setup sounds unusual, is it a Chinese banquet or something.

I would just message the organiser and tell her money’s a bit tight pre Christmas, you don’t want to let friend down but won’t be drinking / doing rounds.

Drive yourself, split the food, abstain from drinks, and if the organiser knows you are not splashing the cash they will hopefully hold back on the grand shared birthday gestures.

Anyway....
Whether you think £80 is cheap, normal or expensive it doesn't matter.
All the OP needs to do is be honest.
No crappy lies about being ill.
No "I had an unexpected bill".
Just straight forward honestly.

@CandidFinch jolly nice for you 🙂