To make up an excuse to not go? Also... can you help with the excuse please?

[Rebeccaa1996]

I have agreed to go to an event Sunday with a group of old friends. It's a meal and drinks to celebrate a big birthday. I've now seen the menus online and it's going to be bit pricey and I think a shared bill with everyone ordering carefree whatever they like. I'm a bit tighter for cash than the rest of the group would know and I know the venue isn't negotiable and don't want to have to single myself out by asking to pay individually for items. Über will be at least £30 and the dinner split will be I think £40-50.

Would it be really terrible and mean to not go? I like the group but the idea of £80 spent on a night out feels like a lot of money which honestly I could do with for Christmas.

And if I do, what's the best way to excuse myself without looking like I don't care about the birthday friend?

‘I’m sorry, but I’ve looked at the menu and the prices, and it’s going to be a bit too much of a stretch for me, what with Christmas coming up. I hope you all have a great time!’

I tried to make an excuse initially, but the organiser just had a 'solution' for any potential reason not to go. It was awkward.

Is £80 for a Saturday night out really considered that pricey nowadays? Food, drinks and a £30 taxi home? I think that sounds cheap as chips. Can you drive to cut down on the taxi cost? Or get someone to pick you up? I hate it when people that drop out with a few days to go, it will really take the shine off for the others.

@Moveoverdarlin oh to be able to live a life where spending £80 wouldn't make much difference......
80 quid is a LOT of money

‘I’m sorry I’m not able to make it’ no need to provide reasons

I hate that sort of thing where rather than listening to you, they come up with unwanted solutions.

I think it’s really shit that posters would cancel on the day of the celebration or close before it with some obvious lie. Honestly. That way leads to no invitations to 50th parties.

OP why don’t you just message the birthday girl, tell her you want to come but your budget is x and is that still ok? Then drive, don’t drink, and pay for your share plus tip and contribution to her night (if you can). And you know, it’s nice to celebrate with people. If you signed up for a survey or market research website you could spend an hour after normal work/kids bedtimes for a few days and you’d have made enough to pay for it.

Sorry about the comments saying it’s not a lot of money. For the people posting that it depends on what income you have, for some £5 is a lot of money to find at the end of the month.

If you have enough fuel to get you there and back I would drive. I would only drink water with my meal, fine as you are driving. And just order a main no starter or dessert. Tell your friend in advance you can only afford to pay for your meal.

Hope you have a good time.

I agree that’s a weeks shopping in my home

I actually think you should be honest OP. Is it someone else who has organised it or the birthday girl? Either way I’d send a message saying this is quite awkward but you are struggling at the moment ask if it could be agreed in advance that everyone pays their own way, particularly with drinks. You can get around any additional awkwardness with drinking by driving and saying that’s why you’re only having soft drinks / tap water.

If you really don’t feel you can go then I at this stage I’d probably go the sickness route. If you were feeling charitable you could transfer £10 to the organiser to pay for a cocktail for the birthday girl on you.

Please don't make up a lie as an excuse. A friend did that to me. Similar circumstances small group of friends for a big birthday.

She messaged me & said her child wasn't well. I had my suspicions at the time it was a lie and found out later I was right. I was really hurt & it definitely changed the friendship

If she'd just said she couldn't make it, or couldn't afford it I'd have been fine with that and arranged to see her for coffee or lunch another time

I would rather a friend mentioned that she can’t go for split bill than not come at all. If they’re friends they will understand and surely want you there.

Go but leave before the pudding. That way, you can just leave the money for what you have had-they won't be calling for the bill before coffee and pudding, so won't have got to the dividing stage.

I think you should go. Its so crap being either the organiser or the person who's event it is and people drop out.

I'd drive to keep costs down and explain that I wasnt drinking (dont have to give a reason ) so would just be joining for the meal, and that you will pay for your own.

There was a long thread a few weeks ago from someone who had organised a party and people were just flaking out close to ..its really hurtful.

If you really cant bring yourself to go then I think you need to message the birthday girl and be honest that unfortunately, you had unexpected bill and just cant afford it. Dont insult her by making crap excuses, be honest about your situation

Not for a Saturday night out it isn’t. Food drinks and a cab home? It’s really reasonable.

It’s for a friends ‘big’ birthday. Let’s hope the OP isn’t relying on the same friend to celebrate her birthday.

But it’s still a bit shit if you said you would be going.

£80 is what some people have to live on for a week.

I think I'd say I'd got COVID and felt crap and was in bed. Hoping to go next time.

So you've already tried to make more than one excuse to get out of this event? Not sure the organiser will believe you if you suddenly take ill on Sunday morning. Being truthful saying you can't afford it is probably going to cause fewest hurt feelings - it's honest but you've said you don't want to do that. If you don't have the money to cover the petrol and £40 for the food bill split then you can't go, but the handwringing suggests you could afford but would rather not spend on this event. It depends on whether you value that more than the friendship with this group and the feelings of the birthday girl having people flaking out last minute with thin excuses.

She's said at least twice that they're old friends and not that close anymore.

Best mates, sure. It doesn't sound like OP is happy to flag it, though.

I don't get lying to your friends, I really don't.

If they're genuinely your friends, they'll understand and either offer to work something out or look forward to seeing you another time.

I understand that money is an awkward topic, but it can't be more awkward than getting caught out in a lie.

Not being able to afford it is a valid reason.

It just is trickier when, I assume, you knew when you accepted the invitation that it was a pricey place, and that it's before Christmas. The time to object or say it's too pricey was at that time.

You can still back out now, but it'll hit harder as you've waited a while to do it.

(And fwiw, I wouldn't want to go, either. I'd rather not spend more money than usual on dinner out unless there's a very good friend involved, or good food I'm looking forward to. It doesn't sound like either is the case here)

I wouldn't have to, luckily. Plus for close mates I agree, you should be able to have those conversations.

It doesn't sound like this group of old friends are that close, though.