To make up an excuse to not go? Also... can you help with the excuse please?

[Rebeccaa1996]

I have agreed to go to an event Sunday with a group of old friends. It's a meal and drinks to celebrate a big birthday. I've now seen the menus online and it's going to be bit pricey and I think a shared bill with everyone ordering carefree whatever they like. I'm a bit tighter for cash than the rest of the group would know and I know the venue isn't negotiable and don't want to have to single myself out by asking to pay individually for items. Über will be at least £30 and the dinner split will be I think £40-50.

Would it be really terrible and mean to not go? I like the group but the idea of £80 spent on a night out feels like a lot of money which honestly I could do with for Christmas.

And if I do, what's the best way to excuse myself without looking like I don't care about the birthday friend?

Just be honest and say you had a re think and financially it's not do able. So you won't be going. Simple as that

There's a stinking cold and cough going around at the moment, I've had it for over a week. That could be your excuse.

@Skyrainlight sigh ....why should she have to lie.

Don’t lie tell the truth, being strapped for cash is totally common thing
no shame

Having only just recovered from this awful cough, sore throat, chills and extreme tiredness this would be a good one as no one will want that.

Alternatively, you could still go drive and put your big girl pants on and just speak up first and say not drinking and only paying for my share of food.

'Sorry' is apologising!

@supersop60

eh??

You should go… sounds like you have a nice group of friends and it’s an important birthday. Life is too short not to see friends, socialise and have a good time. Can always cut back on Christmas if needs be?

Friend of mine just been diagnosed with cancer at 38 … you don’t know what round the corner for you or any of your friends. Go and enjoy life whilst you can!

Evidently yet another poster advocating lying about illness rather than facing up to the situation and dealing with it.

As in 'not well'.
Is OP going to get worse over the next few days?

Mm. I would rather lie and say I was ill, than admit I was broke, and then have to rely on 'charity'. It's embarrassing.

@supersop60

why can’t she go and not drink? Or go and order something cheap and just pay for her own meal? Etc etc

Out of interested why are you saying don't apologise. It's so rude. If you're letting people down of course you apologise. Having said that you started your quote with "sorry" so that's confusing too

Exactly what I would say, sorry I'm sick. I can't keep anything down.

She doesn't have to accept charity.

I can't abide liars though.

I agree with this, but understand if you really can't afford it.

As it's a Sunday (who does big birthday meals on a Sunday?!) could you say you won't be drinking as you need to be fresh for work. Might save a bit.

You don't have to accept charity though.

If you were my friend I would rather you told me you were broke than lied to me. I would feel quite insulted if you felt you had to lie.

I don't understand splitting the bill within large groups, especially if it's somewhere pricey. Just pay for what you ordered. Why contribute towards what you didn't eat or drink?

Don’t over think it. Just say you’re sick.

You don’t need to tell the truth. They’ll never know you’re lying - no harm done to anyone. And anyway, they stopped giving out gold stars for unnecessarily heroic honesty.

You’re broke right now, you don’t want to make a big deal about it, and your don’t fancy going out with this group of friends.. just flake on them, big whoop..

If you were my friend, and you lied to me, I wouldn’t care, because i wouldn’t know you lied.. other posters who have the opposite view need to stop being so idealistic. Being broke isn’t fun and sometimes we don’t always want to make a big deal about it. So don’t. It’s your personal shit, no one needs to know - you shouldn’t be forced to talk about it. End of!

Enjoy your night in and have a lovely Christmas.

If it's going to be such hard work trying to get out of it then just go.

You might enjoy it more than you think.

Can you not just drive don't drink say you are on Anti biotics or something, I quite enjoy the non alcohol lagers . Quite often driven to parties and events because taxis so hard to get where I used to live.

The op didn't make it clear that it was a set menu so I think that changes things.

If there's no way to order as an individual I would then go with saying that I didn't have the cash this month. If this feels embarrassing, I would tell whatever white lie made me feel more comfortable with saying I didn't have the money. As in having some extra expenses this month that's made cash a bit tight until it evens out in the new year.
I think that's a better approach than making up an excuse - that will be fairly obvious. Women aren't daft and I think treating other women as if they were born yesterday stinks.

If they offer to pay for you be ready to say that's really kind but would feel uncomfortable and you'd prefer to sit it out.

As previously suggested, just say you are unable to go now without specifying a reason. You could put it like this "I'm so sorry, I can't make it now, something has come up - hope you all have a brilliant night without me"

You're not really 'fibbing', as something HAS come up - the reality of the cost of this night out not fitting in with your budget at present.

It is a shame to miss out on a special birthday meal, but if you are more concerned about the expense then sharing celebration with the birthday person, then they can't be that special to you and you wouldn't be at ease on the night anyway worrying about how much the end bill is going to cost you.

Just wondered, maybe the birthday girl secretly has plans to pick up the whole tab for everyone on the night? I have an old friend who, about 15 years ago, arranged for about 30 of us to attend her 40th dinner and dance, with a live band, in a cozy restaurant. We had assumed we would be paying our own way, and budgeted accordingly, but were surprised when we were told she had paid the whole bill (yes, she was quite wealthy, but all the same!) so that was a very pleasant surprise. Of course, you have to be prepared to cover costs if you do decide to go and it's not a 'free' night out.

I think the estimated meal cost is only slightly dearer than a typical meal out, but if you end up paying for the birthday girl and added drinks, and Uber then you could be looking at total of about £100. I guess it depends on how much you like this person and the whole group, as bailing out might be seen as a rebuff by your friend, but if you could afford it I'm sure it would be appreciated, as you said that you have been talked out of pulling out with your previous excuses, so it sounds like she really wants you there. let us know if you end up going or not, I would like to know how you get on.

I think a lot of us live in very different worlds. I have loads of friends who simply cannot justify that much money no matter how close the friend was. If any of my friends couldn't make it due to money I would know they've had to prioritise other things and I simply would not place a value judgment on our friendship.
Sometimes can't can look like only being able to justify putting unavoidable expenses on the credit card or going into overdraft for. Some will not have savings or credit facilities.

If they said they couldn't make it because something had come up, I'm likely to be concerned that it's something bad. So bad that they're unable to talk about it at that time.