Social services HELP - any social workers out there please

[Hellothere1982]

Partner and I in total shock - partner was feeling very down and told GP he had been feeling suicidal one night (first time this has ever happened and he was just down - nowhere near doing anything stupid) and the next thing we know is because he has a shot gun licence social services have had to be called. Apparently this is standard practice. We have two children never any issues and I am currently 7 months pregnant - adore being parents and do everything for our kids. Social services called and a day later said case was closed however the mental damage has been done to us as parents and we are panicking. My midwife also got in touch today about this matter and asked to chat!!!! Any social workers who can answer - Will they contact their schools? Is this a red mark? If the case was closed why is my midwife in touch - shouldn’t this be the end of it now? The children aren’t involved in any way and we are devastated and scared. You hear such horror stories about social services this has really terrified us as parents - thanks so much to anyone who can help x

It isn't just about the guns, although that will explain the haste. Having a suicidal parent is a safeguarding concern because it puts children at risk of emotional and psychological harm. If they have closed the case already they must be satisfied that there is no immediate danger of your partner doing anything extreme.

Please try not to worry. I was reported to SS once when I went to A&E having suicidal thoughts (no plan). They told me it was standard procedure. SS called me. They were absolutely lovely, asked if I needed any support above what was already in place, I said no and that was the end of it. No issues with school or anything like that. It's a good thing he spoke up and that SS were told. The midwife will just want to make sure you're ok and ask if you need any extra support

This is probably an unusual example, but police have been called when my DD has been physically attacking me in the past.
She had retreated to my bedroom, which is where the 4 police men who turned up spoke to her.
I was acutely aware of my several BB guns (pistol, single barrel shotgun, and rifle - none loaded) being on display. Also my bow and arrows and my crossbow (not loaded, with the bolts separate to it high up).
They didn’t bat an eyelid and the crossbow itself can easily be considered a fatal weapon, but under UK law I can own one and use it within my private residence. Which I do rarely and only ever when she is not at home with me.

The thing is OP, I don't think people here are being deliberately "mean" to you.

I completely understand why you feel so shaken up - it's never comfortable to have your parenting or family set-up inspected. And of course there's often the irrational fear that your children will be taken away. Lots of us would feel the same to a greater or lesser degree. So I totally hear where you're coming from.

But try to look at this objectively from the perspective of an outsider reading your comments.

You told us that your DH visited the GP and said he was suicidal albeit he didn't have any concrete plans. Your DH has a shotgun which has been removed by the police. Although you agree in some posts this was fine, you've also said that the reaction was excessive and unnecessary. You've also said that your DH wasn't suicidal and you dismissed this as just an episode of depression due to life stresses. You've gone on to say that you and your DH agree that it's best not to tell the GP in the future if you are depressed and/or suicidal. You've also asked repeatedly about whether the school will be told.

Can you see why people have been a bit blunt with their responses?

As an objective outsider it really does feel as if you're minimising your DH's depression. An episode of depression of the severity you describe doesn't just melt away, so even if he only mentioned suicide as an ideation rather than being a definite plan, his mental health needs proper care and attention. Suggesting that you won't now seek medical attention in the future is a real overreaction, and that kind of attitude won't help your DH. He needs to be encouraged to seek help if he needs it - lots of men struggle with their mental health, and stigma is one of the reasons why suicide is so high for men. Also asking repeatedly about whether the school would know suggests a focus on people knowing rather than things being actually OK.

I appreciate you're still caught up in the whirl of emotion and maybe aren't thinking quite straight. But maybe re-read some of the comments you've written and it might help to explain why some PP are doing some straight talking.

If you'd come on here and did the same first half of your post, and said you feel worried and humiliated, but also just concerned for your DH's health, you'd have got a different response. It's because that it feels as if you're waving the seriousness of his episode away (which may just be because it's extremely hard for you to confront). And it does feel as if you're really quite cross about the reaction which despite your comments saying you agree, you have still said you think is over the top and unnecessary.

I'm not saying this to put the boot in, but rather to explain why you've had some blunt replies. MN is usually pretty hot about both mental health and the welfare of children, and your post presses both of those buttons, albeit unintentionally.

I find most people are pretty empathic on MN, but sometimes the most honest responses are hard to read because it can hit a nerve. Give yourself a bit of time and space to breathe, focus on your well-being, your DC, and the health of your DH. Everything is fine. What other people do or don't know doesn't matter.

I hope things calm down for your family now, and your DH continues to do well.

Thank goodness for that!
I used to shoot a .22 at work for target practice {old rifle range there} with old guns-I had no idea that a .22 was capable of killing a human -but it is.

White House Farm had a man shoot everyone in the house one night, trying to put the blame on a depressed woman - guns are best not kept around anyone with depression or anger for obvious reasons.

Don't have them back in the house, or on the premises. 👍

I had Social Services contact me after a very histrionic event - I can't go into it here, but it was before Christmas, I was paying a mortgage on my own after DH left, son broke a window banging on it telling me to 'wait'- {I was waiting in garden with dog for son to hurry up and come downstairs-

Anyway- at the glaziers {Had to get new glass for the window} they said ''Is that your blood?'' and a trail of blood was across the floor coming from dog - a piece of glass had fallen onto her hock.

So- to the vets-
Bu this time, both son and I were crying - me really over the top saying 'you will have to pay for this out of your pocket money!'' to son {aged 9}

It was all very fraught. {Luckily vets didn't charge me much- I didn't make son pay!}

Anyway- a few days later, I had a letter from Social Services- {In retrospect it has to have been the vets! as they had our name and address- it wasn't the school, as I asked}

Social worker came round, she was lovely- she asked if she could talk to son, and I said to son ''Tell her anything you need to'' and to her ''ask him anything''- and I left them in the front room together.

Thankfully no further action was taken.

I admitted to being worried about money, and the vet's bill and window- but that was the end of the matter.

They really aren't in the business of taking people's children away unless there is neglect, or abuse is serious.

first time this has ever happened and he was just down - nowhere near doing anything stupid

Kindly OP, you don’t know if he was anywhere near doing anything stupid.

In a lot of instances, many people who take their own lives will not tell a soul. Not their friends, families or spouses. They just do it.

I’m glad he’s opened up to to his GP. That is a massive step, and I hope he receives the professional help he needs to move forward.

This must be a very distressing time for you, especially given the involvement of social services. It is in no way a reflection on your parenting. They have become involved to keep you all safe. & it sounds like they have done the right thing by removing the shotgun.

Please do not panic. Be there for each other, and please do reach out to the authorities or your own GP if you’re struggling with the situation and the after effects.

It's good to see social services are on the ball. I watched a documentary about a father who had mental health issues and never lost his gun licence. He sh*t his children wife and himself absolutely horrific one of the saddest programmes I've seen on TV.

.

Was that the man who was in massive hidden debt who murdered his poor Daughter and wife - plus the daughter's ponies and the family dogs.. absolutely selfish ***man.

If you only want kindness and compassion then perhaps go to your friends. If you’d like opinions and to perhaps be challenged then ask on here.

This situation is not all about you . It is about protecting your children from potential harm and SS have done their job.

The trigger point for this happening from the GP appointment is the guns.

Not directed at OP specifically, but in general, to anyone saying or thinking "well I'm not going to tell my GP any of my mental health problems any more".

Owning guns is a privilege, not a right, and comes with massive responsibility, as it should. Part of taking on the responsibility of gun ownership is the greater urgency of response that might be triggered in various situations, such as mental health crises. That's what's happened here.

Don't be ridiculous.. of course you must get help when your experiencing mental health problems..the problem was you had guns in the house ..why you even thought that was a good idea is beyond me ,thank goodness they are gone . hopefully you won't get them back .

Firstly I’m so sorry your DP is feeling this way, but this is standard practice when your DP has a gun license, my dad has one and any sort of mental health you are not allowed a license for one. I’d actually be glad that they took the guns away as suicidal thoughts are not something to be put brushed under the carpet. I hope he’s getting the help he needs.

i understand the scares it may of left as we have friends who were involved a lot worse than yourself, no fault on them and this was a very awful but they still have stress over it now.

I think everyone is just doing there but and checking in on you.

I’m glad your experience with them was so positive. It’s not always as you describe especially when there’s an abusive ex, in a co-parenting situation. The reporting mum can be accused of parental alienation and the abusive co-parent’s excuses accepted to the detriment of the children. Sometimes children are even removed and placed with the abusive co-parent. It’s horrendous.

Why are you worried about the school being contacted? My main concern is the minimisation of your husband's mental health- he went to the GP feeling suicidal (which is a huge thing to admit) and it's now 'just an episode'. I'm worried that he's feeling pressured to hide how he's feeling which won't take the suicidal thoughts away. If he went to to GP to say he felt suicidal that means that he felt he needed support to not commit suicide. You need to accept he's having actual suicidal thoughts as scary as it is.

Also, please don't minimise the impact on the children. Children are so perceptive and almost certainly know something is wrong- that's why school input is a good thing so they can access additional support.

Yes but what percentage of people actually have guns in their house? Not very many.

But the reaction was purely the result of gun ownership. The percentage of gun ownership in households will be tiny

Mental health issues and guns are a very bad mix and therefore the response is perfectly reasonable

She’s getting intouch to support you and tbh it sounds like you need it

I am a bit shocked that you have someone with a gun licence and guns in the house and did not understand the terms of the licence it seems.

The midwife is because people are informed at the time very quickly, but a case being closed tends not to result in all those same people being informed, and its not a bad idea for a midwife to check someone is ok when they are dealing with pregnancy and a partner who has mentioned feeling suicidal.

Im not sure why this is all so difficult to work out though... would you rather that the GP knew your partner was suicidal and did nothing, and it turned out it very much was serious... and you did need help?

The social services referral was completely appropriate. Especially with guns and children involved. I don't understand why you can't see this. It's reassuring that it's all been joined up by the relevant agencies.

It's reassurring that the mental health system and S.S. will instigate guns being locked away.
My BIL once had serious mental health issues and he voluntarily approached his brother (who also had a licence and locked gun case) to look after his guns until he felt happy and stable. It is the only thing to do.

Your partner should feel grateful that authorities are safe guarding his well being. He is not thinking clearly if he thinks he should have access to guns while he is feeling so depressed.

Now that you have a contact with S.S. you will be able to call on them with any concerns you have regarding your husband's mental health affecting the safety of your home.

It's not excessive and all they've done is removed the guns and checked in and now they've closed the case. Your catastrophic this, I'm not saying that to hurt you, I have anxiety, it doesnt always help but it is always good to recognise when my reaction is disproportionate to the situation. There are far to many cases where depressed men kill their kids before killing themself, SS and your GP have to make sure that's not going to happen. There is absolutely no reason given what's happened to be worried about telling your GP about mental health issues again, there really isn't. The guns being removed is a good thing, statistically you're much more likely to be invovlef in gun violence if you have weapons in the house. If your DH is saying he is or has felt suicidal please don't minimise that for all your sakes, but especially his. Men's mental health issues often get minimised and brushed under the carpet and this can have tragic consequences. Feeling suicidal even as a one off isn't a little thing, this needs to be taken seriously.

You haven't said your DH is always at the doctors over the smallest thing, so I'd assume that's not the case, in which case the most worrying thing here is how you're minimising his mental health issues. People don't tell their doctor they're suicidal if it's just a brief blip and you're soon to have another baby which is stressful and can involve very little sleep all of which makes depression worse. The fact he might be minimsing now doesn't mean it's not serious, it doesn't mean he's not suicidal, people who get to the point of actually seeking help have usually been depressed and struggling for a long time. If you're depressed and seek help and you don't get it or the people you love minimise your depresion then you don't try again and you get worse. Please take this seriously.

Your husband has done the right thing by seeking support from their GP. Believe me that will not have been easy - be glad he has. Many men especially do not seek help before it is too late.

GP has followed correct safeguarding procedures and alerted police (to remove guns), midwife (to ensure wellbeing of you and unborn child) and social services (to ensure children/baby are safe)).

As a family you now need to navigate through this time. Your husband's depression/suicidal thoughts will not instantly stop because SS have made a quick call to check all is well.

Do not minimise his illness, that is the worst thing you could do as that will increase risk to your husband's and family wellbeing. Mental health affects the whole family - not just the individual.

Make sure you have support around you too.