Social services HELP - any social workers out there please

[Hellothere1982]

Partner and I in total shock - partner was feeling very down and told GP he had been feeling suicidal one night (first time this has ever happened and he was just down - nowhere near doing anything stupid) and the next thing we know is because he has a shot gun licence social services have had to be called. Apparently this is standard practice. We have two children never any issues and I am currently 7 months pregnant - adore being parents and do everything for our kids. Social services called and a day later said case was closed however the mental damage has been done to us as parents and we are panicking. My midwife also got in touch today about this matter and asked to chat!!!! Any social workers who can answer - Will they contact their schools? Is this a red mark? If the case was closed why is my midwife in touch - shouldn’t this be the end of it now? The children aren’t involved in any way and we are devastated and scared. You hear such horror stories about social services this has really terrified us as parents - thanks so much to anyone who can help x

OP I hope you are ok now and feeling reassured. I fell down the stairs holding my 1 year old a few years ago. Total accident, 1 year old broke her leg. I was in bits. I was also hurt but only grazes.
Although I wasn't ever told, I know they'll have had to do a social services referral as it's standard for those kind of things (I work in healthcare so I know). I had to repeat over what happened to loads of different professionals while I was there. Checking my story I think.

A few days later my midwife phoned me asking me about it - mainly checking in and I can see now it was just to follow up with me. However at the time it upset me massively because I just felt like the worst parent ever and like I was being scrutinised and checked up on.

I still feel awful about it now, years on - but I know it's just them doing their job! My DC was fine btw, healed within 3 weeks! They are all linked up, it's good that health and social care talk to each other and act to protect you. as the midwife is caring for you she'll be checking in on you to make sure you are ok. I hope that helps a bit.

Xxx

What a lovely message thank you so much for your openness and sharing your story. These things are torture when we love our children like we do. I’m so sorry for what you went through and sending you my very best x

The SWs don’t know you or your husband.
Supposing the situation was different — a man going to kill his family then himself, or a man deciding to hold his family hostage at gunpoint ( both have occurred multiple times in Britain alone) and no one had showed up to either spot a potential danger or maybe give the wife an opportunity to signal for help?

On the other hand a SW does visit and either adult has the chance to ask for help. Or the SW notices a worrying sign in the man’s behaviour ( I’m saying man as it’s the OP’s husband who is unwell, could be either adult ) and decides to get the children and mum to safety and summon support for the husband.

They don’t know what they’re going into and they should keep an open mind to protect and help people. Don’t pre-judge them.

I hope your husband feels better soon, OP.

If he'd shot your children and then himself, you'd be complaining that social services didn't get involved .

Jesus Christ so many of you totally missing the point. I have repeatedly said I am greatful for how the system works, it’s just hard being thrown into it. Does support and compassion not exist anymore, just staggering

You seem more worried about any SS involvement than the fact that your DH is suicidal. If he told the GP that it's a real cry for help. I would be terrified if my DP was suicidal. Of course SS should be involved as someone upthread said, so many men seem to kill their children before they kill themselves.

Good lord, some of these replies are awful! Clearly it looks like this situation was handled well on this occasion, but the idea that SS are infallible and always act 100% rightly and proportionately is laughable — and nobody normal takes an unexpected visit from SS completely in their stride, ffs! Of course OP is shaken up by this given the circumstances. Guns in a house with kids is a bad idea at the best of times, so SS/police were right to remove them as a precaution, but this doesn’t preclude having some basic empathy for a woman going through a difficult time.

OP, even if the case is closed the midwife still has a responsibility to ensure you’re ok, and the HV might check in on this front after the baby is born, but I highly doubt school will need to be involved (I’m not a SW but an ex-teacher). All the best to you and your family 💐

I don’t think this poster was being horrible. Blunt - yes. But I think you need to hear this. You absolutely are minimising your husband depression. Social service involvement by v the gp is absolutely necessary. Please support your husband and prioritise the needs of your children.

what a lovely message thank you so much for taking the time. I’m so staggered by how many mean people are on mumsnet! Also many lovely ones like you though - thank you again x

Also, he was either "just down and no where near doing anything" or he was suicidal (as he told the doctor,). Which is it?

Your partner did a brave thing in going to the GP and admitting how he was feeling and telling them he was a gun owner. My friend’s husband didn’t do any of that and shot himself in front of his family. The trauma is still echoing years later. I get that social services involvement is scary but they have put the welfare of the family first. You are all safe, that is the main thing. I hope your partner is getting the help he needs and you enjoy the remainder of your pregnancy.

Thank you for the lovely message and for telling the story of your friends story - I’m so very sorry, utterly tragic. We have been very lucky with the support network just need to now navigate forward. Thank you again so much

partner was feeling very down and told GP he had been feeling suicidal one night (first time this has ever happened and he was just down - nowhere near doing anything stupid) and the next thing we know is because he has a shot gun licence social services have had to be called.

Are you in the UK? How do you know he wasn’t feeling suicidal? Personally, I’d rather be safe than sorry in this situation and I’m surprised SS haven’t informed the police as he’ll be registered with them and will need a firearms certificate. He’ll also need to have a locked and secure gun cabinet. We have guns in the house and if my DH ever told a GP he was feeling suicidal I’d be having the keys to that cabinet.

It's great to hear of a situation in which SS acted swiftly to remove a gun/ guns from a household where a man had reported to his GP that he had been feeling suicidal. Great to see the system working as it should do. Depressed people and guns are not a good combination.

OP, you seem to be reacting quite strangely to this, as if you are in denial that your DH may not be well. Trying to minimise the situation to make it sound as if he'd just had a bad day isn't a healthy or rational place to be. Is he getting ongoing care/ treatment for his depression? You present yourself as having an idyllic life and loving having the responsibility of children, but your DH's feelings may indicate that it's not as simple as that. Is your apparent fear of SS (who have said they've closed the case) actually fear that your DH may not be as happy with life as you seem to be? Sounds as if you need to talk honestly to each other and get help if necessary.

They're seeing that you're a family in need of kindness and support so they're offering it to you, that's all. Please don't let this discourage you or him from seeking further mental health support.

Ps please don't underestimate your DH suicidal thoughts he may have been more honest with the gp than with you

I had a firearm/shotgun licence from my early 20s, had a rifle and a handgun for a few years. I was diagnosed as bipolar in my mid 20s, my licence was immediately revoked and the guns taken. I understood why it was done and never felt any sort of 'terror' because of it - at the time I was considered a danger to myself and to others.

It sounds to me that all the services pulled together for once, and all is well. I wouldn't worry.

Dp used to own an air rifle I think, or maybe another type of gun, but as he was on anti depressants it lived in the safe at his best mates house. And only came out on joint trips out. And Best mate's wife is a teacher and a stickler for rules, so even when they moved house they got put somewhere else legit and registered until they had a new safe. This predates me by a few years, he doesn't do any gun related stuff now. Best not to have one in the house right now.

But don't worry. It sounds like for once there was a joined up response.

Your partner did a brave thing in going to the GP and admitting how he was feeling and telling them he was a gun owner. My friend’s husband didn’t do any of that and shot himself in front of his family. The trauma is still echoing years later. I get that social services involvement is scary but they have put the welfare of the family first. You are all safe, that is the main thing. I hope your partner is getting the help he needs and you enjoy the remainder of your pregnancy.

This. So many men refuse to go to a doctor and if they do find it almost impossible to talk about their mental health and ask for help. Kudos to your DH for doing it. My guess (as someone who has had a close male relative commit suicide) is that he must have been feeling dangerously low to have booked that appointment.

You only need a second for a tragedy to happen. Get your husband to seek help , stating he’s feeling suicidal is not be taken lighthearted if he’s prone to depression

I agree

I’m sorry that your DH is suffering with his mental health and that it is affecting your family so badly but…

I think it’s brilliant that the police took the guns away. There have been too many tragedies in the past and ultimately what has happened has protected your family.

Except you are both wrong. Listening only to people who agree with you isn't wise.

I agree with pp that ss were likely notified because of safeguarding concerns about DH feeling suicidal and having guns.

This must have been really stressful for you.

There won't be a red mark against your name or anything like that.

It is frightening having this kind of involvement, but for all the stress essentially they removed a weapon as were concerned your husband could harm himself, then social services checked everything was otherwise okay with family. When they were satisfied with their checks they then closed the case.

I am sorry to say but feeling suicidal is quite worrying, so even if he probably wouldn't have done anything dangerous it's a safer place to be not having access to guns.

I hope you and your husband are getting the support you need as it must be really hard being pregnant and your husband feeling so down and the scare of agency involvement.

I've had a fair bit of training and the aim is always to reduce risk and keep families together.

I’m pleased to hear SS did the right thing - checked up on a very vulnerable person and their family, information shared and didn’t take it to what it didnt need.