Grandparents say it’s too expensive to have Grandchildren to stay

[Overtherainbow89]

AIBU?

Grandparents say they can’t have our 2 primary aged grandchildren to stay as it’s too expensive? They seem to think they have to take the children on days out every day (they don’t) and so have suggested they stick to having them in warmer months only?

For context they holiday several times a year and are not on the breadline. Thoughts please….?

Can you contribute financially? When we stayed with our grandparents for more than a night or two as kids my parents would give grandparents money for treats, days out etc.

It's not a poor excuse, to you it seems like a poor excuse. Healthy grandparents want a life too, perhaps one they've been looking forward to all their adult lives like you said they're in their early 60s! loads for them to still explore and get out of life. People of your grandparent's generation had fewer choices and having the grandkids every holiday was probably the highlight for many because what else would they do? I couldn't think of anything worse! the drudgery all over again of looking after small kids every holiday no matter how much I love them. DH and i have talked a lot about how we'd love to travel in our 60s, where we'd like to live perhaps learn a new language. I know someone's going to jump on and say 'just remember when you need care! which i find bizarre because they've already looked after & cared for you so why wouldn't you show care towards them? but even in that case, I'm against parents expecting their adult children to provide full-on care for them when they are old. Your children are your responsibility just like you were theirs.

That's not saying grandparents should NEVER care for their grandkids, that's not what I'm saying at all, but i find the expectation that they are effectively a main part of everyday childcare a bit much and many find it too much especially physically when they are no longer in their prime. A 60-year-old grandparent is very different to a 20-40yrs old mum/dad when it comes to feeding, washing, entertaining & lifting small kids. It all tells on the body.

Definitely! Selfish of them.
I bet when the grandkids are grown they'll complain that their grandkids aren't close to them and won't visit them. You reap what you sow!

I would just drop the rope OP. Don't beg anyone to take interest in your kids. They're too good for that and it's the grandparents loss.

Just remember it when they need help when they're older. You can suit yourself just like they did 🙂

My parents have complained they are not close to their grandchildren this is while simultaneously ignoring them recently my aunt went to (adult) dds town for a day trip they invited my mom (dds nan) who she hasn't actually seen in 12 months....she said no she refused to go to see her own grandchild she didn't have to drive pay or anything just be there have a coffee and see her grandchild she CBA with her she has also refused to see her grandchildren when they are in the same town as her because she was "packing a suitcase for her dog" (they were going away the following week) another time there was something happening at 10am with the kids would have taken less than an hour she couldn't make it because the dog was due at the vets at 6pm

You get to the point where you don't bother with them the excuses are silly and pointless

@Overtherainbow89 I'm not 100% clear what the scenario is exactly.

So, who suggested the boys only stay during the summer months? Is it the Grandparents or You?

You also said that you visit the GPs a few times a year, but stay because you sense their reluctance?

So what prompted this post? Have they asked you not to visit at all during the 'colder months' or have they simply said they wouldn't want the boys to stay there with them without their parents at all?

My reply will be different depending on exactly what the position actually is?

I have my nephew to stay a couple of times a year. He is 10 and so a bit too old for parks / playgrounds and I don’t have much in my house to occupy him, so we go out to museums and galleries. Sometimes it’s cheap (science museum and a packed lunch) but sometimes it costs a bomb (Tower of London and a pizza). Either way that’s my choice and I know he won’t want to do it forever. I love him dearly, but I’m exhausted when he goes home. I guess I’m saying I can see both sides.

I'm not sure what's the point of this question on thoughts ... what thoughts? They have an opinion and have shared it. It's too expensive for them in their view. It's irrelevant how wealthy they are. You can either offer to pay when you send your children there or keep your kids with you. It's quite simple this one.

It really annoys me when someone watches someone else's pocket and comments on how many holidays or money they have ... so what??? It's their money thus their decision how to spend it. They don't want to spend it on their grandchildren. That's more than a valid choice.

Options

1. Off to cover the costs, if it really us a cost issue.

1. They don't want to do childcare.

If they live three hours a way then it's not an afternoon childcare. How long are you expecting them to have them?

I'm not sure it is cheeky - just because your own parents were happy to do childcare doesn't mean you have to follow suit 🤷‍♀️

It’s not a “poor excuse” 🙄

Maybe they are fed up with being used for free childcare at their expense. As much as I love looking after my DGCs, there have been times when just the basics (travel and food) have cost me more than if I’d just transferred the money to pay for a babysitter. Even just having them to stay and not going out costs a small fortune. Meals, soft drinks, snacks, even “free/cheap at home activities” like baking and crafts cost money and I usually have to specially buy at least one ingredient or craft material. Small expenses like buying an ice cream at the park or bus fare to a museum start to add up. It’s hard enough keeping DC entertained at home where they have all their toys and games during the holidays but if they only bring a few toys with them, they are going to get pretty bored unless their GPs take them out, which costs money. Perhaps it is a genuine reason and they want you to step up and send spending money.

Or maybe it is a polite excuse because they don’t want to tell you your kids are hard work. TBH all kids are hard work, even perfectly behaved kids. I find it tiring now!

Do they still work? Maybe they don’t want to use their annual leave to be free childcare but actually want to use it to take a break from work…

They are all valid reasons. It doesn’t mean that they don’t want to spend time with their DGC just that they don’t want to give up their free time and pay for the privilege of being your free childcare.

A friend has her two grandsons (same age as OP's) to stay for five weeks every summer. She's seventy and on her own so it's very hard work for her and exhausting.

Some do a lot and some don't.

Another entitled parent!

If they don’t want to provide free childcare, why should they?

I’m their age and wouldn’t have fancied having two primary aged kids to look after for more than a day or so. After all, I’ve got other activities and hobbies to attend.

Which is great just don't have "expectations" of visits and care when your in need 🤷‍♀️

It sounds like they don’t want children messing up the inside of their house and don’t like going out in colder weather. Be easier if they just said the actual reason wouldn’t it!

We don't know that they did benefit from that though. The OP said that she spent holidays with her grandparents. The parents that she's talking about in this scenario are her husband's parents. We don't have any idea what their arrangement was.

And even so, circumstances change. When I was growing up my grandparents were only working part-time, And my husband's grandparents were retired. But when we had our kids, my parents and in-laws were all still working full-time.

If it was the same parents who shipped their kids off to grandparents, who become the grandparents who don't want to do childcare, then it's surely obvious that that's because they don't like doing childcare.

But in this instance, the op says she was shipped off, but it's the in-laws she's complaining about.

Did your dh spend a lot of time with gps as a child? If yes, then it's obviously that his parents don't like kids.

Sounds like they just don't want them to stay but don't want to just tell you that so have come up with a reason not to

A lot of it depends on health and stamina. Nowadays, as others have commented, there's also the fact that some parents won't allow the grandparents to discipline. (No, I'm not talking about corporal punishment.)

My eldest cousin stayed with our grandparents over the summer holidays for a few years. I since found out that her father was reluctant, but agreed to the arrangement. (We're in Scotland; the father and his family were down in England.)

I recall staying with my grandparents when my mother was ill in hospital. They lived a bus ride away. Dad would meet the bus in our hometown and then walk me up to school before going to work.

The next time Mum was ill, my grandparents were in no condition to look after me: indeed, my grandmother was in hospital herself.

Then using the excuse of it being too expensive to have the Grandchildren to stay makes no sense.

they should just be honest about why they don't want them to stay or say it's not convenient.

They aren't obliged to have them , it's round about way of telling you they don't want to look after them . Probably don't have the energy to be stuck In doors with them all day

That's really sad. My kids see their grandparents 2-4 times a week. I would find it very sad if they said seeing my children was too expensive. No need to spend a lot. Play some games, have a meal, have a cuppa, do some gardening or odd jobs the kids can help with.

@Overtherainbow89 we have two grandchildren staying for 5 weeks out of every 8weeks while their father is a couple of thousand miles away working. this since dd passed away. all since 2020. it is very expensive and time consuming. and our retirement plans are now way out of the window. I think the op is looking more for childcare than holidays for kids! we are doing long term full time childcare!

Yes, really, all she meant was they're not counting every penny to get by, like some people on the pension are. So it's a weird excuse.

id rather be told the truth (they're too much cooped up in the house & we don't want to traipse around to soft play etc and we find it expensive (not value for money).

it's too turing

we hate that the kids seem bored.

whatever the actual truth is.

plus if they actually wanted to have the children to stay, but needed some help to make it work for everyone, I'd want to help.

my mum loves my brothers kids staying, but it does cost her a lot because she feels she needs to do something fun (so they came to expect it & would ask what were they going to do today. It was her fault, not the kids!! I suggested some other activities and things improved). My mums not hard up, at all, but a lot of money (3 kids) on a day out, frequently does add up and it was more the value for money aspect.

Clearly we dont seeing as you're the only person asking. What difference does it make?

In fairness, when you see someone regularly there's a lot less pressure compared to when it's only 2-3 times a year.