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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Grandparents say it’s too expensive to have Grandchildren to stay

268 replies

Overtherainbow89 · 18/11/2024 21:45

AIBU?

Grandparents say they can’t have our 2 primary aged grandchildren to stay as it’s too expensive? They seem to think they have to take the children on days out every day (they don’t) and so have suggested they stick to having them in warmer months only?

For context they holiday several times a year and are not on the breadline. Thoughts please….?

OP posts:
Sooverwork · 19/11/2024 10:01

KeenCat · 19/11/2024 09:15

This would have been helpful info in your OP, OP.

So when your children stay, you stay too? But they're asking you (all) to stop staying? I sense there is more to this...

Same. It’s possible that they leave the children for a few days or even more.

Edingril · 19/11/2024 10:02

I wonder how many grandparents are just say in their rocking chair knitting waiting for the grandchildren to turn up

Some may actually have full time jobs? Well of course the grandfathers may be, mothers and grandmothers are only useful for breeding and raising the next generation they don't have any other purpose in life

LeonoraCazalet · 19/11/2024 10:05

Maybe they feel they want to make the most of their healthy years travelling, meeting people and doing their thing. Not everyone is going to be a doting grandparent. Can you not book a couple of night in a B & B and visit from a distance with the children?

notatinydancer · 19/11/2024 10:06

I wouldn't want grandchildren staying every holiday. If they're early 60s are they not still working?

coffeesaveslives · 19/11/2024 10:07

Overtherainbow89 · 19/11/2024 09:01

Thanks for all your responses.
We live 3 hours away, the boys are 6 and 9. We visit a few times a year but always stay as sensing reluctance from them. They are in their earlier 60s, thankfully both in good health.
I stayed at my grandparents throughout the holidays as a child, so thought it felt normal for healthy grandparents to want to have their only grandchildren to stay. Obviously I’m wrong. Like some have mentioned I think it’s just a poor excuse from them and not the real reason they don’t want them.

It reads to me like your expectations were to leave your kids with their grandparents for several days at a time while you have a break?

Honestly, I don't think that's very realistic or fair - I don't know anyone who spends days at a time with grandparents unless there's been some kind of emergency.

Lindjam · 19/11/2024 10:12

To be clear, you want to be able to dump your kids at DGPs during school holidays and you and DH bugger off?

YABVU

Sure, some people will be happy with that, but many won’t.

coffeesaveslives · 19/11/2024 10:12

Sdpbody · 19/11/2024 09:38

So many Grandparents on here..... It is clear you don't want to help your children.

I am so glad my parents are supportive and adore seeing my children. I will do the same for my grandchildren.

Personally I would never expect my parents to take on huge chunks of childcare so I could enjoy a child-free holiday 🤷‍♀️

There's helping out and then there's being taken advantage of. OP's expectations seem to fit the latter category imo.

ssd · 19/11/2024 10:13

Boys at 6 and 9 are a bloody handful. Im talking from experience!!

Its too much for the grandparents.

ssd · 19/11/2024 10:15

CurlewKate · 19/11/2024 08:39

@Tourmalines "Nonsense. No we don’t"

This is Mumsnet. Yes we do.

Absolutely.

I8toys · 19/11/2024 10:15

This is sad. My mum and dad used to have ours regularly but we'd supply things for them to do when they were there just in case. They never took them out.

TheDogBartholomew · 19/11/2024 10:16

Healthy people in their sixties are usually aware how lucky they are, but also aware that they may have only a very short window of time before their health and mobility start to decrease. Those years are very precious and not everybody wants to spend them doing unpaid child care.

HappydaysArehere · 19/11/2024 10:17

Depends on how long they would be staying and is this just during the day or staying overnights as well. How old are the children? How old are the grandparents?

TheTruthICantSay · 19/11/2024 10:17

In YOUR family it's normal for grandparents to have the children to stay. So send them to your parnets. It's not normal in your DH's family. Frankly, I don't think its that common at all anymore although I think it probably was more common in the past. DH did spend quite a lot of time with his grandparents and his nephew and neice did with his mum when they were young - but she was a very young grandmother to those children who now are old enough to have children of their own! Certainly, she's never done it for us as she isn't up for it anymore.

Notreat · 19/11/2024 10:19

It is expensive and exhausting when grandchildren come to stay. If they feel they can't do it is their choice. They don't have any obligation to have them overnight. How they spend their money is irrelevant.

aphroditeflighty · 19/11/2024 10:20

Going back a few decades, but my both my grandparents would play board and card games with us, or we'd go for a walk somewhere, or we'd talk about things... There were no expensive day trips, or gifts (maybe a chocolate bar from the newsagents) or anything else. Just some quality time is what most kids need, I can't imagine it's that different today, asides from the potential distraction of some form of electronic screen.

MangshorJhol · 19/11/2024 10:26

Hmm no I don't think it's the norm. I grew up in an Asian country, close to the grandparents, saw them often, occasionally stayed over, but several weeks with a 6 and a 9 year old. No no no no. I mean my own kids drive me mad over the holidays, I can't deal with other people's. And yes, the grandparents will have to do days' out because the kids will be bored at home (in a home that's not their own) and will be moaning.
So in this specific instance I'm very much Team Grandparents.

CautiousLurker1 · 19/11/2024 10:26

Am wondering whether they instigate the visits or you do? Ie have they called and asked if the children would like to visit or have you implied/conveyed an expectation that they should have them?

My iLs asked us if the kids could visit, and when they first asked were very nervous we’d say no so explained how they’d keep them safe, take them out etc. They had an expectation of having the children for the odd week every year because my DH and his Dsis always went to their grandparents and the iLs were excited to continue the practice. We only asked them to have the kids once (I had major surgery, DH was away with work), but let them know they could have them whenever they wanted and just to ask and we’d make it happen. My children went to stay 1-2 weeks from the ages of 4 and 7 and both parties loved it. I have one of each, so not sure whether 2 boys are more of a handful,

It sounds, though, as though your iLs may find having to lively boys rather tiring and don’t feel they can entertain them at home for extended visits without taking them out - and that bad weather/winter visits make being stuck in doors more likely and going outside in shite weather a bit of a trial. Tbf two adults and 2 kids going to the zoo, cinema, petting farms have become extortionate over the last few years, so can understand why they would baulk at the cost especially if forcing themselves to do it on wet and cold days.

At the end of the day, if they’d really rather only have them for short visits in the summer/spring, I think they are within their rights. And if you can offer some money towards day trips to facilitate their stay, that would probably go some way to soften it for them - but I really would allow them to initiate when/how long stays are by asking them to contact you to arrange visits when they feel up to it.

MainStreetOrHighStreet · 19/11/2024 10:34

Maybe they're not really into kids, OP? I'm not, apart from my own, and I can't imagine for a second wanting to do hands on grandparenting.

ginasevern · 19/11/2024 10:37

TheDogBartholomew · 19/11/2024 10:16

Healthy people in their sixties are usually aware how lucky they are, but also aware that they may have only a very short window of time before their health and mobility start to decrease. Those years are very precious and not everybody wants to spend them doing unpaid child care.

No, they bloody well don't. They've done their time. If parents resent looking after their own kids, don't have them. This modern expectation around grandparents is utterly gobsmacking.

ItGhoul · 19/11/2024 10:39

Overtherainbow89 · 19/11/2024 09:01

Thanks for all your responses.
We live 3 hours away, the boys are 6 and 9. We visit a few times a year but always stay as sensing reluctance from them. They are in their earlier 60s, thankfully both in good health.
I stayed at my grandparents throughout the holidays as a child, so thought it felt normal for healthy grandparents to want to have their only grandchildren to stay. Obviously I’m wrong. Like some have mentioned I think it’s just a poor excuse from them and not the real reason they don’t want them.

I adored my grandparents, on both my mum's and my dad's side, but I didn't stay with them during the holidays. It's not some obligatory thing that all grandparents have to do. Plenty of people just find the whole thing of having kids to stay to be a bit stressful and draining. If grandparents are used to being able to chill and do their own thing and lead a grown-up life, several days of a six year old and a nine year old in the house, needing entertaining and feeding and being put to bed every night and so on, probably just feels like a big deal. It doesn't mean they don't love their grandkids, it simply means they're at a stage in their life where they don't want to be caring for kids for days at a time.

I love my nieces and nephews and have fun when I see them. I definitely wouldn't want to have them to stay and look after them for days at at time, though.

thepariscrimefiles · 19/11/2024 10:40

Overtherainbow89 · 19/11/2024 09:02

In laws obviously 😂

Did your DH's grandparents have him to stay when he was a child or is it something that just wasn't done in his family?

GivingitToGod · 19/11/2024 10:40

YANBU OP, unsure why they are saying it's too expensive when they are going on holiday several times a year. When it comes to my GC, alot of my income goes on them, I wouldn't have it any other way. I love treating them and taking them on holidays ( and I am not wealthy but comfortable). However, I appreciate that all GPs are different. No rights and wrongs

MrsSkylerWhite · 19/11/2024 10:43

How old are they and how old are the children? Primary covers quite a range.

GivingitToGod · 19/11/2024 10:43

SeAmableSiempre · 19/11/2024 00:27

YABU… why do you think grandparents are obligated to look after your children? Whatever their reasons for not having them to stay you should respect their wishes. Maybe at their time of life they feel they’ve done their bit bringing kids up and now they want the freedom to do what they want and when they want. Why should they be tied down? Also what they spend their money on is their business not yours.
We are in our late 60’s, we’re retired having worked really hard for what we have, we absolutely love our freedom to come and go as we please. We would not want grandchildren clipping our wings whilst we still have the energy to go out and enjoy ourselves, we want to enjoy every moment whilst we are fit enough to do so.
Stop being selfish, they are your children so take responsibility, financial and otherwise.

Disagree with this. Spending time with GC isn't clipping your wings. You can enjoy and spend time with your GC and still go on hols and adventures (ie do both). It would be interesting to know if you are a GP, I presume not

MrsSkylerWhite · 19/11/2024 10:46

Oh, 6 and 9. That would be too much for us.

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