Grandparents say it’s too expensive to have Grandchildren to stay

[Overtherainbow89]

AIBU?

Grandparents say they can’t have our 2 primary aged grandchildren to stay as it’s too expensive? They seem to think they have to take the children on days out every day (they don’t) and so have suggested they stick to having them in warmer months only?

For context they holiday several times a year and are not on the breadline. Thoughts please….?

@Tourmalines "Nonsense. No we don’t"

This is Mumsnet. Yes we do.

Give the grandparents a pot of money to be used when they taje the children out. They should not be out of pocket if they don't want to be.

They don't want to do it and want their own life.
I wouldn't, either.
Presumably grandparents are old enough to be able to voice their desire to be left alone!

My parents used to do this when we went to stay with my grandmother. She rather took it to extremes and spent hundreds of pounds on huge toys then gave my parents the bill, so probably worth clarifying expectations if you’re going to do this!

Thanks for all your responses.
We live 3 hours away, the boys are 6 and 9. We visit a few times a year but always stay as sensing reluctance from them. They are in their earlier 60s, thankfully both in good health.
I stayed at my grandparents throughout the holidays as a child, so thought it felt normal for healthy grandparents to want to have their only grandchildren to stay. Obviously I’m wrong. Like some have mentioned I think it’s just a poor excuse from them and not the real reason they don’t want them.

In laws obviously 😂

You spent school holidays with your grandparents and that's lovely if it worked for you and your family but it's not typical and probably wasn't your in laws expectation at all.

Looking after DC for a few days is a big ask. My in-laws love to do it so they would do a night or two a year. My mum has never offered but she's a brilliant grandmother and my DC adore her.

You need to adjust your expectations to their family customs.

This would have been helpful info in your OP, OP.

So when your children stay, you stay too? But they're asking you (all) to stop staying? I sense there is more to this...

No I think the grandparents want the 4 of them to stay but OP wants to leave the children and get a few nights off.

@Overtherainbow89 is this right?

I think your OP is missing quite a bit of detail to make a judgement here...

EDIT: Given the context of the 3 hour journey it's not quite so easy to do a drop and run.

I do agree with that actually.

Maybe they don't want the heating on 24/7 and a huge bill but don't want the kids to be cold .

I think your expecting way to much of them.

I stayed with my grandparents as a child so my parents could work over the holidays but they were very hands on and very close to us, they'd come on holidays with us & my parents. Even later on in life I've stayed with my grandparents with my children.

That said, my parents are hands on but they wouldn't have my children to stay without me unless good reason (they've done in the past when I had surgery) I'm always going with my
Children to stay but my dad is disabled so it's quite a lot for him and my in laws they don't do anything with my children unless I'm there. I think you really need to lower your expectations not everyone is hands on.

Ah, so I think this is different. You’re talking about wanting to bring them and leave them for the holidays 3 hours away for several days. I think most grandparents probably don’t do this.

My dc have never been to stay with either of their sets of grandparents, ever, not one night. Now there are complex reasons related to safeguarding why this is the case, but even were there not, the occasional overnight would probably be it. I couldn’t see them having them for the holidays. They just wouldn’t want to or have the energy to (my eldest is 11, so they are not little).

But yes, if you drive to visit them and stay nearby in a holiday let, it seems normal that they would have them overnight for a sleepover. Unless there are reasons why they can’t but can’t tell you. For example, my MIL made every excuse why we could never visit her with the dc overnight. She would visit us or we’d have to stay nearby and no overnight visits. This went on for years. I thought she just didn’t like us or our dc. Turns out her partner who she had moved in had a history of child sexual offences and his license conditions prevented any children from staying overnight with them. But they made up all sorts of other excuses to keep this a secret in the family. 🙄

This is not how your story came over in your original post, I’m a bit confused now 🤷‍♀️

My parents heavily used their parents for childcare even depositing us there while they went on holiday

Neither of them have looked after their own grandchildren on a remotely regular basis my mother wouldn't even show her grandson to the wider family (she did with dd) because he was a boy 🙄

It is lovely that you stayed with your grandparents during holidays, but definitely not the norm.

I love my neices and nephews and see them regularly, i wouldnt want to have them visit without parents. I would occasionally to help out, but it would definitely be to help rather than because I want to. I do love them, i just dont enjoy being responsible for other people's children. It to tell other children no so they end up playing all the games all day. With my own easier to say "i am xyz just now will play later"

So many Grandparents on here..... It is clear you don't want to help your children.

I am so glad my parents are supportive and adore seeing my children. I will do the same for my grandchildren.

I’m noticing a pattern that people who remember going to their grandparents a lot don’t have parents who want to be with their grandkids.

Both my husband and I spent weekends and holidays at grandparents, but our 16 & 18 year old have only ever slept at their grandparents for 5 nights in total (that’s between both sets of grandparents and 2 of those night were because I was in hospital recovering from an op).

they were useless parents and are useless grandparents.

i already know I’ll be a hands on grandparent as I love being a parent.

OP I think your expectations are unreasonable.

I'm a widowed grandparent and have been looking after my GC for almost 20 years (eldest is 21, youngest is 4 ) I've committed to 2 days a week childcare since the eldest was a few months old and also done endless babysitting and weekends so the parents could go out and have a break. It is very expensive to entertain them during school holidays and at weekends. It's also exhausting!

I have never looked after any of the DGC for more than a weekend and it wouldn't have been asked/expected from my DC, although DIL suggested that I have her 3 DC for 6 weeks each summer holidays

Accept any help that GP offer gratefully. I know it's not a popular opinion on MN, but they've done their child rearing and may not want to continue with the next generation.

Maybe they simply don't want to provide childcare and feel uncomfortable saying so? Which is entirely their right. There should be no expectation for grandparents to provide care for grandchildren

Grandparents are not a monolith. Some will want to have their grandchildren to stay and others won't. It doesn't mean they don't love them.

My parents had all their grandchildren regularly - the first was born when they were only in their 40s and they really loved having them. I remember them having both of the first 2 gc - both boys - when they were primary age, however and taking them on holiday for a week. My parents were still only early 50s but came home and said they had no idea how hard it was going to be entertaining these 2 energetic and demanding boys.

And by the time the youngest, my niece, was around and going to them regularly (they did a couple of days of childcare every week for my brother, who is 12 years younger than our older brother AND had his children a lot later and SiL), it was 25 years later - and they found it exhausting.

As pp have said, it's almost certainly not really the cost - it's that you can pay a lot for activities that don't fill the day and then you've still got 2 demanding boys cooped up in your house and bored. In summer, it IS a lot easier.

They are telling u that they rnt willing to have yr children, just pay for childcare like everyone else.

@Overtherainbow89 this is so sad 😢 me and my sibling used to love going to our grandparents house and we would play all day!! Just with each other, with my nan sometimes joining in, sometimes baking or whatever. It was all very normal.

I would be hurt if my parents or in laws had said this. I think it is normal and healthy for grandparents to want to spend time with grandkids. Especially at 6 and 9 where they are more independent!!

Only thing I can think is would your parents travel and stay at your house for a couple of days - one day they have them while you work the next day you can all be together?