Grandparents say it’s too expensive to have Grandchildren to stay

[Overtherainbow89]

AIBU?

Grandparents say they can’t have our 2 primary aged grandchildren to stay as it’s too expensive? They seem to think they have to take the children on days out every day (they don’t) and so have suggested they stick to having them in warmer months only?

For context they holiday several times a year and are not on the breadline. Thoughts please….?

I'm guessing you don't ever offer to reimburse them for the days out they've paid for in the past.

@Overtherainbow89 are you going with the children? or is this free childcare in the holidays whilst you work. If you are not there and they are doing all the childcare then they may be finding it a bit much. Do your children ask for a lot of screen time if they are at home, in which case your parents might find it hard to say no and want to go out instead?

For context they holiday several times a year and are not on the breadline. Thoughts please….?

For context? Really?

Why do you feel they need to stay over at grandparents? Is their attitude resulting in you actually have to look after your own children every weekend and it’s grating on you?

I think that grandparenting is a responsibility just like parenting. If you have kids, then you must expect, certainly hope, that you get grandchildren and yes you need to help take care of them where it is reasonably possible, within the limits of your physical abilities (accounting for age and illness of course). I really don't agree with this crappy modern Western view of childrearing.
"You're 18 now, get out of my house! Of course I'm going to take all the equity out of it and leave you with nothing. What do you mean you can't get a mortgage, I managed just fine in my day!" Their day being within a radically superior financial landscape...
I have some Slavic in-laws and they gave, didn't lend, my sibling and their spouse a substantial amount of money for a house deposit. It was always kept for them, and always thought of as theirs, and the tradition is expected to be passed on. We Brits used to think like that but have become selfish. Does anyone else agree?

Employ childcare and stop expecting your parents to agree to having your kids dumped on them whenever you can't be arsed to look after them?

If you had a nanny you'd reimburse her for expenditure on activities and days out.

@Overtherainbow89 why do they need to have them to stay???

I can see why they would say this.

My PIL like to take my DD(3) out, they say she gets bored in their house, which is probably true as they don't really have many toys and don't seem to like any messy sort of play like painting, playdough etc. So there is only so much they feel they can do with her if they can't go out.

They don't do regular childcare, just every few weeks if something comes up, but I try to minimise the time she is there, it is easier for them to visit us instead in fairness, so we tend to stick with that.

Are you talking about the children going to stay with them for a few days? In which case I can understand them not really wanting that in the winter to be honest, it's extremely hard work if you're not used to it! and you can't even turf them out in the garden!

Why do they need to stay overnight at thier grandparents?

My DGC run me ragged when we're stuck in all day. So much easier when they can let off steam outdoors. Trouble is, in winter you are much more limited to pay for activities. The NT membership is a godsend as you can have a warm or keep dry in the properties, but otherwise I'd be a bit stuck without spending money in bad weather. DS and Ddil now and again book snd pay for tickets for us to go places. I've never asked, I could afford to pay, but they are thoughtful that way. Could you do that maybe?

For context they holiday several times a year and are not on the breadline

. and????
Exactly.

Could you not reimburse them for the outings and provide some craft stuff/board games?

It’s a polite way of saying ‘I find your both kids too much’. Bet this wasn’t an issue when it was 1 grand kid?

Really weird reason but it's up to them and they obviously don't want the kids for whatever real reason so I think you have to accept that rather than debate it with them.

Not much you can do about it. If it's too much for them, it's best that they are h onest about it. Sorry to use the word, but you sound a tad entitled.

If you find you are turning to them for regular or ongoing care; weekly sleepovers, looking after them while you work, school pickups/drop offs, school holiday care etc and they are finding it too much they might be looking for excuses like "to expensive" to get out of it. If they don't want to provide care you have to respect that and find paid providers or alternative care arrangements.

Do they not keep the heat on during the day normally? My dad’s house is chilly in the day because he wears a down filet and double socks to keep the heating bills down; this might not suit younger children.

Are you expecting them to have the children regularly? Are the children too rambunctious to be indoors all day?

Whether they’re taking holidays or not has nothing to do with you, though. It makes you look judgemental.

They don't want to look after them to the extent you want. The activities/money is probably an excuse. Or the only things that they can do with them are. expensive. When you are older looking after young children is exhausting. You love your grandchildren but you also want your own time. Even if you don't want your own time it's too much apart from short periods of time.

Saying it is too expensive is either an excuse to cut down time with them or it is too expensive to find things that occupy the children that mean you don't have to exhaust yourself .

Stop relaying in them. Grandparents should be a joy in children's lives. Not a source of conflict because parents expect a free babysitting service.

I suspect if you offer to pay for outings, activities, food etc, you may well find that the real issue is something else - namely that it’s absolutely knackering having sole care of young children, especially when you can’t chuck them out in the garden to run their legs off.

Is it an age thing? We had kids late and my parents (the only grandparents) are very devoted to them but too elderly to have been hands-on in bringing them up. My DC have never stayed overnight with their grandparents, and until they were of secondary age and reasonably civilised they weren’t ever in their sole care either. Now they might visit them for half a day at a time without us, but they are quite useful kids (!) and will fix simple IT issues for them, water the garden, take rubbish out, cook a meal etc. So the care goes both ways.

How often are they going to stay?
I would stick to visiting ss a family rather than grandchildren going to stay.

How many days are you wanting? Is it for work or social?
Are you taking the piss or is it genuine?

We need more context, as a few people have asked.

Very frustrating when a poster asks a question then buggers off.

Is this an excuse or a real reason? If it is real then makw sure they know they don't have to have days out and you pay compensation for good and utilities. If it is just an excuse then don't take the children there.

My guess is they're just not able for it anymore.

Well, have you asked what exactly they spend money on when they have them? Only with this information will you know if it's reasonable or not.

Also depends how long they're having them to stay?

In my opinion it costs nothing to entertain 2 primary children as long as they're fed - and if they'll eat what you're already having, then it's not exactly going to cost a bomb in extra food. Mine are happy with crafts, books, baking, watching telly. Loads of free things to do, like visit local library, go for walks etc.
But obviously for a longer stretch of time they'd probably want to do things and go places.