Grandparents say it’s too expensive to have Grandchildren to stay

[Overtherainbow89]

AIBU?

Grandparents say they can’t have our 2 primary aged grandchildren to stay as it’s too expensive? They seem to think they have to take the children on days out every day (they don’t) and so have suggested they stick to having them in warmer months only?

For context they holiday several times a year and are not on the breadline. Thoughts please….?

Why? They already raised, supported and funded YOU, why do they need to do the same for your kids to expect anything back?

@Naunet "Clearly we dont seeing as you're the only person asking. What difference does it make?"

I would bet half my kingdom on most people assuming that it's the dad's parents we're talking about. FYI, in case you missed it, it is.

But again, what difference does it make?

Op, some people just don’t enjoy taking care of children, even though we might love them.

I have a beautiful nephew who is 1 year old. As I work in a school, mum and dad have asked my husband and I if we can help out, particularly at weekends and during the holidays.

We’ve said no. We like to use our time off to travel. We go abroad for up to the six weeks at a time. We love our nephew, but don’t enjoy looking after a toddler. Our children are young adults, at uni, so we are free to do as we please and value that.

We understand that we are in a position to help and that people have to work and don’t get time to themselves, but I feel like I’ve been there and done my time. I have no desire to commit to child rearing again.

It reads like your in-laws are willing to help some of the time, so that’s great isn’t it?! Make the most of the help you do have.

I don't think it's all that common for grandchildren to stay for several weeks at a time on their own, without a parent. Growing up I never did, nor any of my cousins on either side. If they live a distance away like yours they won't know their grandparents so well, will feel strange without you their and the grandparents will find it hard to look after/discipline them as they won't know your style of parenting well enough. It's wonderful you had that relationship growing up, but I don't think you can expect it of your parents/in laws.

My parents certainly wouldn't have wanted my children to stay for a week at a time. Overnight in an emergency maybe, that's exciting as a one off for the kids. But in a strange place without parents, toys or local friends, they would take a lot of entertaining, which could well be expensive.

You could read the 'excuse' the other way. What is the op/her dh like to them that they can't just tell the truth? The blame here for the excuse is not automatically the gps.

My DiL drops "subtle" hints she wants her DC to come to stay with us. I am happy to childmind at hers but I don't want their DC at mine. I'd need to childproof it!
There would be hell to pay if one of them cut their finger with my rotary cutters or Stanley knife!

Yes I meant generally rather than OP specifically.

And yes of course if the current set of GPs are less able to offer any child care than the previous generation- whether due to work, health etc - then understandable that they don’t.

But sometimes it just seems to be “because we don’t want to” (or flimsy excuses) which generally I’d say is their choice but seems a bit rich when they themselves had lots of childcare help from their own parents.

It’s a bit like receiving a hefty inheritance but spending it all and leaving nothing to the next generation. Of course no strict obligation to pass some down but a bit of a moral one I’d have thought.

How old were your grandparents when you stayed with them over the holidays OP? Mine were both 47 when my cousin was born then my parents were in their early sixties when their oldest grandchild arrived. My son’s generation are having children even later so we’ll be in our seventies before we see grandchildren. I didn’t realise how tired and exhausted I’d be when I was old as I’ve always been so full of energy until recently. I’ve always thought I’d be a hands on GP but now I’m not sure if I’ll be able to be as much fun as I’d like which feels sad. Circumstances and expectations do change over time.

I guess I'm unusual in that I wouldn't have wanted my parents to spend significant time babysitting my children, nor would I have wanted an inheritance. They spent significant time and money raising me, and I would want them to use their remaining time and money to do the things they couldn't do when they were responsible for raising children.

Except they didn't my grandparents did and when I was old enough I was cooking cleaning washing and ironing their shit then I was working and gave money for the roof over my head and still doing their stuff then I was kicked out st 18 so it would have been nice for them to offer me something especially as they clearly have expectations from me (not my sister just me bizarrely)

I had a similar upbringing so it was upsetting when Mum (mostly) and dad would avoid taking DC out or host them during the school holidays ( actually i wouldnt pick mum as being my Nan’s Daughter either.). Mums siblings are a bit peeved over how much mum leaned on Nan to care for me in those days too.

there’s not much you can do about it, however long term it’s their relationship with the grandies that will suffer. My DC won’t go out of their way to visit Mum, and when they do, little is said as mum never invested in their younger lives and doesn’t pay attention to job titles/employer, interests etc. conversation very short and limited.

you could try asking if they would prefer one on one time, they might find having 2 at the same time too much. ?

I understand how you feel.

Having other people's children when you don't have children is expensive. Your sending them to a house with no toys, games, crafts so they need to either be taken out or activities bought to do with then. They probably want specific food and drink that an adult only home might not have. This stuff adds up. When ever I send mine anywhere they go with a packed lunch and things to do and if go out anywhere I pay for it.

So many people on MN seem terribly affronted if they are asked to help out another parent or family members with childcare or lifts or other favours but are then affronted when grandparents don’t want to be free childcare. I appreciate they are not the same thing but I sometimes I feel like there has been a shift towards being more selfish with each generation. Friends and neighbours were always helping each other out when I was a child. Or maybe it’s not a generational thing, it’s a (family) cultural thing - some families have a culture where everyone cooperates and helps each other out and they are attracted to like minded friends, others don’t share those values. I suspect the MNers who are greatly offended by being asked to give another child a lift to school are the same ones who won’t be doing much childcare for their DGC either.

Perhaps your parents are just tired of babysitting and don't want to hurt your feelings. I don't know how my friends of my age cope. Many have claimed exhausting hours of boredom and noise.

Was this a generation where women didn't tend to have full time jobs. People don't have the time anymore

OP, you haven’t offered all that much info, but here’s what I’ve gotten:
-You have 6 and 9 year old boys, typically a very active, rowdy age
-Your in-laws live 3 hours away, so visits will generally be overnight and they aren’t able to be daily/weekly fixtures to develop a routine with your DC
-Several times per year you (DH presence unmentioned) go to stay at your PIL with your boys and that’s great

And your issue is that you want instead to drop your boys off for multiple-day (or longer?) stays without you that your PIL would be funding. Your PIL have effectively said no to doing this in the winter, but are open to trying it in summer. Otherwise they want to keep having you all to visit together.

Is that it? Did I misunderstand something?

There is no one right way to grandparent, and keeping DGC for days on end just for fun is definitely not everyone’s idea of enjoying their DGC. It’s certainly also not the only way for GP to have a relationship with their DGC. Accept their no gracefully and respectfully, and talk to them about what sort of visits do work for them. Are they happy with the full family continuing to come visit on the schedule you have been? Would they like to come visit you? They mentioned summer - is there a time they’d be interested in having the boys (together? Separate?) in the summer and you could pay for some outings?

Obviously that can be a factor, @Differentstarts but I’m not that old! 😂

I wouldn’t expect grandparents to look after my children for an extended amount of time. They may stay overnight occasionally with my mom, and their other nan and grandad won’t even have them for an hour. It does hurt as they have their other grandchildren, but it is their right to refuse and that is that.

Sorry 🙈 thought that might of been a factor 🤣🤣

I would give cash for any activities you want them to do. They could take them to a cheap weekend cinema showing, libraries do free activities and museums.

I’ll be honest I love my grandkids but I get so tired.they are hard work.
A few hours is enough to cope with as they are full on. I also only have them one at a time overnight. They like that though one on one time. We see them regularly 2/3 times a week sometimes more. We also do the odd hour here and there so mum can nip to shops etc

My GP used to have me for a week, presumably for childcare reasons. I don't remember ANY days out. We went to the market, the butchers and walked around the town on Market Day. I remember we usually did a knitting project whilst I was there.

I know we filled our days but my memories are things like going to a cafe for cake, playing board games or watching Only Fools and Horses whilst eating Cheese Toasties. I'm not sure why the GP think it's all about expensive days out. It's just about spending time with them!

I love seeing the grandchildren and regularly have them to stay overnight. It can be expensive though, they are used to doing fantastic things with their parents and get a bit argumentative if stuck indoors all day. Also, it is tiring, I'm well into my 70s and still work.
That said, I have a wonderful relationship with them and there are times when their parents really need the help and support I can give.

Just how is visiting grandparents wanting a babysitter??