Grandparents say it’s too expensive to have Grandchildren to stay

[Overtherainbow89]

AIBU?

Grandparents say they can’t have our 2 primary aged grandchildren to stay as it’s too expensive? They seem to think they have to take the children on days out every day (they don’t) and so have suggested they stick to having them in warmer months only?

For context they holiday several times a year and are not on the breadline. Thoughts please….?

You are lucky your parents are in a position to be supportive. Not all parents are, for a variety of reasons, but still love their grandchildren. Grandparents have raised their own children to be adult parents themselves, they can love their grandchildren without being second parents to them, because their grandchildren already have excellent parents whose job it is to care for them.

You are lucky to have any help,maybe they struggle to look after them now.i have five children and neither my parents or in laws have never looked after our kids or helped with them.

They're only in their early 60s! How sad for them to push their Gkids away

Screw em. It's their loss

How often and for how long do they stay? Do you send them with spending money to at least cover some snacks, ice creams etc or do you just drop them off and expect GP to fund everything on their stay with you? If so you are being unreasonable.

Where do they live? It's quite normal for grandparents who live abroad / in a tourist area to only have their GPs over the summer as children's activities can be cheaper when you have the main tourist rush. It is not as normal if they're in a big city with lots of affordable activities!!

We have our dgs to stay for the odd night here and there. We adore him and love spending time with him, but it is exhausting! DH is 70 and actually does regular childcare for both dgs, at least three days a week and has done since they were babies. I still work full time, so help out when I can. We have a selection of toys and games here and we can access suitable films etc either on dvd or TV. We are coping financially, but are certainly not well off, so expensive days out are definitely not on the agenda. We had no help at all from GPS with our children and we remember how tough it was at times. We want to help out as much as we can and we do a lot, beyond the day to day stuff. But trust me, it is so much more tiring than when we were the parents. The OPs pils clearly have their reasons for not wanting the children to stay in the winter months. Whether it is cost related, or more because they find it exhausting or difficult to keep the children entertained indoors, who knows. But regardless, they are clearly uncomfortable with it and that should be respected.

I expect they just want to limit their babysitting duties to when weather is warm and they themselves are feeling more energetic (like most of us!) and more able to handle them, and don't want to feel pressure to compromise their well earned freedom to do as they please all year round.

I hate to preach, but you really are fortunate to have GPs who do help out sometimes and are in good health, as my DH and I never had GPs or relatives able to provide any respite regarding childcare, so had to split our holidays to ensure one of us was available for childcare throughout the year, only having 1 week of overlap when we were all off together to have a holiday away.

I suggest you accept their excuses without questioning and with good grace - not all GPs want to be used as unpaid childcare, no matter how much they love their grandchildren.

Have the kids come to expect that they will be entertained whilst staying at grandparents? Grandparents may feel uncomfortable having them hanging around the house, possibly bored. What do they do at home vs. visits? Can they do the same things, or is grandparents house lacking things they have at home? Perhaps work out the differences and see if they can be addressed. You haven't said whether they are retired/still working.

YABU. Maybe they just don’t want to and are trying not to hurt your feelings 🤷‍♀️ Our relatives recently tried to rope us into looking after their 3 boys for five days and we said no because we feel like our time looking after little ones is over now. We just want to have time for us 🤷‍♀️

would they be willing to come to your home to watch the kids so they have all their things around them & shouldn't get bored. It would mean Grandparents can have a bit of chill time while the kids entertain themselves.
If that's not possible then offer to pay for days out or suggest free places to take the kids to.
Could it be Grandparents are finding it too tiring watching the kids & are making excuses instead of saying the real reason they can't have them.

In France it’s traditional for grandkids to go and stay with GP’s for most of the summer school holidays, whilst parents work. I asked my mum if she was up for adopting this European custom, she laughed…

I paid my mum £10 an hour from 2015 onwards when DD needed childcare. Gave her spending money for activities too. She was on a crappy pension and I wanted her to feel worthwhile! Assuming you’re not paying them to babysit, you should definitely offer spending money.

Sounds like they don’t want to help. The money is just an excuse.

kind of sad they don’t want to spend time with their grandkids. We were at my grandparents loads growing up. They were still working as well and managed and then my granddad took early retirement. I know it’s different as we just played in the garden or coloured etc. they didn’t have spare money for outings.

you need to accept and find alternative childcare arrangements for the time you need but remember it when they need help or want to see their grandkids that’s it’s not convenient

I’m thinking there’s more to this than the weather/money and perhaps they just don’t feel able to do it anymore?

Do they have toys and things to do at their grandparents? Maybe they could take more activities with them and/or have a supply of toys and games there.

Would you pay for some of the activities so they can go out? Do you provide their food/snacks?

yeah this merits a deeper conversation to
find out what’s really going on.

They just don't want them to stay.

They don’t want you to take your children to them to look after, and you seem to be determined not to take the hint and instead are looking for people to agree with you that they’re somehow wrong in their suggestion that it’s too expensive for them. I’d take the hint graciously and organise your own childcare

yeah, it sounds to me as if they don’t want them overnight rather than it being too expensive.

The grandparents don’t want to keep the boys without the parents outside of summer, but they’re happy to have everyone come stay. And regardless of how much childcare they provide in their old age, they are still the DH’s parents & as far as we know good, loving ones.

But if they won’t provide free childcare you think OP should counter by letting them see their grandchildren less often and denying them eldercare? Are you really that transactional in your relationships?