Grandparents say it’s too expensive to have Grandchildren to stay

[Overtherainbow89]

AIBU?

Grandparents say they can’t have our 2 primary aged grandchildren to stay as it’s too expensive? They seem to think they have to take the children on days out every day (they don’t) and so have suggested they stick to having them in warmer months only?

For context they holiday several times a year and are not on the breadline. Thoughts please….?

This is true! I spent loads of time with my grandparents as a child - they'd look after us for a week or two during most summer holidays. I loved staying with them!

My kids have only ever stayed with my parents once, and it was an absolute disaster so I've never allowed it again. Not that my parents have been remotely hands-on with them anyway. They weren't exactly the best parents to me either, hence farming me off whenever they could. But I think it's a bit of a Baby Boom generational attitude and I personally think it's a bit sad - I will love being a hands-on grandparent if/when my kids have kids of their own.

You don't give nearly enough context in your updates
Are your kids any good at looking after themselves and entertaining themselves for a few hours during the day what do they need constant stimulation?
Do your in laws live in a small house with no garden?
Are you kids quite annoying and hard work (mine were!)
If it makes you feel any better neither my parents nor my in-laws had our kids for any length of time I think over 18 years they've stayed for about five sleepovers across both sets of grandparents.
My stepson had them more than our parents ever did and he was only a few years older than them!

They can do what they like.

My son's GPs can't have him over to theirs at the moment for various reasons, so their choice is between taking him out or not seeing him. (This is for where we are WFH and can't have him playing around whilst we work)

But you can't insist they have them if they don't want to have them in their own home. That's barmy.

What is this Baby Boomer/boomer thing on MN which seems to be applied to money/babysitting/attitudes? Tbh I’m not entirely sure what a boomer is. Re saying that when you have gcs you willl love being a hands on grandparent, you really have no idea how you will feel. It will depend on how old and how healthy you are and to some extent on what the gcs are like.

How long were you hoping they'd look after your children for, OP? From your post it's difficult to tell whether your grandparents looked after you for a few days or for the entire holidays. What are you asking of them? Three days or three weeks? I'm guessing that as you live a six-hour return journey away it's likely to be a longer stay.

I was in a cafe over the weekend. A sudden heavy rainstorm blew in and grandparents with two grandchildren came in to shelter. The GPs had a coffee each, the children wanted soft drinks and ice cream. The bill came to more than £20 and I could see the GPs pulling an 'eek' face. They may budget carefully in order to afford to go away and £20+ a day for a week or two, as well as all the other costs, could make a dent in their savings.

Your children may be happy to stay at home when they're in their own homes and have all their stuff around them. It's much more difficult to keep children entertained when they're away and don't have their toys and games and favourite things at hand. Before you had children did you ever look after someone else's children in your home for days on end? It's harder than you might imagine.

They're grandparents. Let them be grandparents. If they don't want to have your children to stay, that's their prerogative. Sounds like you're expecting too much.

Also how they spend their free time and finances especially in retirement (assuming they are?) is totally irrelevant so I'm not sure why you had to add in your comment 'for context' about it in your original post.

They seem to think they have to take the children on days out every day (they don’t

Having them round the house is far more demanding of time and energy (I know, I did it for years).

Well yes I don’t think it’s unreasonable to object to parents dropping their kids off and buggering off themselves. We have zero childcare help but I wouldn’t be putting someone in a position where they have to make excuses to me. My 5yr old is mental and constantly running around, I get tired, she’d probably kill her grandparents.

We do spend time with grandparents, but we are there to look after them. GP’s do want to see their GC but don’t always want to be in sole charge of them. You can have a lovely relationship with grandparents and spend plenty of time with them without them having to babysit if you are concerned about the relationship. But thats not it is it really. You want childcare, which is totally understandable but many of us never have a break unless we pay someone. Not taking your kids for a few days isn’t being a bad grandparent.

As a GP I have zero interest in having GC to stay without their parents. I'd much rather see my DCs

Money is probably an excuse - they just don't want to be stuck doing childcare for days on end.

It can be expensive taking Gdcs out for the day - well over £100 to take our 3 plus us to a fairly local attraction, but they always love it, and luckily we can afford it.

OTOH recently I took them on the bus to their local Nat Hist. Museum, only expense was their bus fares (on my local buses they’d go free) and lunch.

I’d echo what a pp said about it being tiring for older GPs, though. Ours are very good but I’m still pretty exhausted after having them for 3 days and nights during half term. I’ll still have them for as long as I’m able, though.

How long are you leaving the children there? It sounds like you could be imposing on them too much and the expense is an excuse to put an end to it.

My parents refuse to have my children stay overnight, both are healthy aged 60 and active. They say it makes them too tired and they’ve ’done their time’ was my choice to have children lol. They do live close by so pop round at least weekly to see them. My kids are 10 and 2, 10yo pretty self sufficient now!

Why? Are you just not that bothered about your GC?

Fair weather GP? What a joke. They are not obliged to do anything.

If you've raised your children, you've done your job. If you want to babysit GC, that's fine, but if you don't want to, that's fine too. The real issue is that childcare is too expensive, housing is too expensive, and the UK economy is relying on a lot of unpaid labour. And some grandparents find being with little kids too tiring or have health issues, and some don't get along with their children, and vice-versa.

Not obliged but I cannot imagine being so emotionally unattached to my grandchildren

I just don't like the assumption that GPs are default childcare, especially given that they are quite likely (as I do) to still be working FT. I cannot think of a single time when any of my DCs were sent to stay with GPs. I'm very happy to see GCs along with my DCs, but not to be childcare other than in an emergency.

I don’t believe any grandparents are obliged to offer childcare but I think it’s a bit cheeky when they benefited from it themselves when their kids were young, and then turn round and say nah don’t fancy doing that myself.

Was about to say the exact same thing! Only substitute the words 'massively hypocritical' for 'a bit cheeky'.

(I did not receive or ask for any help with my own kids from my parents before anyone starts).

It would be nice if they wanted to have them to stay but it honestly sounds like they don't and are trying to spare your feelings with an excuse.

Don't try to force people to have your children if they are making excuses to try to get out of it. It's not fair to anyone.

Sorry but I think they are just not enjoying having them and this is perhaps half true/ half an excuse.

Some people as they get older do feel more insecure about money and I daresay that they do notice a difference when your boys are there in how much they are spending. The fact that they go on nice holidays is neither here nor there. I wouldn’t expect to be asked to forego holidays to be an unpaid babysitter so neither should they.

Either way they are trying to tactfully ask you to stop having your kids stay there overnight so I think you need to have the grace to accept this and move on.

They likely resented being parents and did the best they could without having a nervous breakdown.

You can't undo having a baby once it is here, I think a lot of people regret being a parent and if they have people in the family willing and able to take the pressure off it makes sense to use that.

It would be hard to explain to your own child that you'd rather have not had them and hated being a parent so the children expect their parents to do the same and be active grandparents.

Ok this sounds like it might be personal to you and if so I’m sorry you hated having kids so much.

I don’t think that most people who sent their kids to stay with grandparents did it because they were hating being a parent and desperately needed the respite.

And even for those who did hate being parents - maybe their own DC are hating it too (after all their character may well be the same) and also need the respite??

It was a joke 😂