Grandparents say it’s too expensive to have Grandchildren to stay

[Overtherainbow89]

AIBU?

Grandparents say they can’t have our 2 primary aged grandchildren to stay as it’s too expensive? They seem to think they have to take the children on days out every day (they don’t) and so have suggested they stick to having them in warmer months only?

For context they holiday several times a year and are not on the breadline. Thoughts please….?

How long are you wanting the GPs to have them for? Tea after school once or twice a week or whole days and nights and full on childcare?

Your comment about holidays and not being on the breadline is rather scornful, they don’t have to justify their holiday to you. The reason they’ve given sounds like an attempt at a tactful excuse and that there’s more to it. Also could the behaviour of the children be a factor?

Maybe they’re just not up to it and you’re pushing for too much

It's a big ask to expect older people to have children to stay as a right. I think you should respect their decision just to have them in the warmer weather. I agree that it's very probably just about money. How long are these visits.

Can you give them some money for a few days out? Assume they are going whilst you work? Obviously you don’t want to give too much or you could just pay holiday care, but enough for a few soft play entrance etc. They probably struggle with them indoors all day, kids get bored.

It sounds like they don't want your children, which is fair enough. If you need to rely on them, have an adult conversation, tell them you're in a bind and would appreciate help, ask them what their boundaries are (eg number of hours etc) and offer to pay what you can. At the moment it sounds like relying on them for free childcare and tbh, they're within their rights to say no to that for any reason

Why should we have thoughts about it?. It is their perogative. Why are you trying to force them to do what you want?. They have told you what they are comfortable with!

I guess they worry about having to entertain them or else they may be messing around or play on screens all day. I don’t blame them. Do you offer to pay? They raised their kids and now want their free time which is fair enough.

If you see grandparentiñg as a responsibility then you should expect them to have rights too. They shouldn't be micro managed and told exactly what to do. It's more like a communal upbringing.

In my culture that's how it is. Children are seen and Children of the extended family and anyone can tell your child off. In the UK, grandparents are expected to stfu and the kids will be kept from them at any minor infraction. You can't have it both ways.

I'm going to also say it's probably not just the money.

It could be (a combination of)
their behaviour at GP's home if they're e.g. unused to entertaining themselves quietly without a screen.
GP's genuinely finding everything more expensive now the Dc are getting older and wanting to do more expensive activities. Do the DC have similar interests?
GP's no longer want to drive in the dark and going out for the day invariably means returning home in the dark.
GP's feeling like they ought to be doing fun stuff when e.g. baking would suffice.
GP's not wanting their morning routine to be disturbed.
They genuinely don't want to because the DC's are too tiring.

I paid for all outings when my parents had my kids. The free childcare was enough for me.

This! Or I at least offered to pay - my offer was always declined but there was no way I'd be expecting my parents to foot the bill for taking my kids out when they're already doing me a favour with free childcare.

Can you provide lots of colouring pencils, paper, games, lego etc for them to do at GPs.

This. They have said no. You do not get a say. The context wasn't at all relevant. Put them in paid for childvcarE.

OP do you provide any money for them to go out and do stuff? How often do they have your kids?

Another 'I'm going to post and fuck-off' post

It's not about the money. They're saying they don't want to do it. Perhaps they find it too hard.
How long and how often are the DGC staying with them?
Can't you ask for shorter bouts of babysitting if they're up for having them stay?

It depends on the purpose of the visit...if it is for childcare, why dont you offer to pay any expenses for the visit as it is grandparents preference to take them out . I remember when mine were small, it was easier in some ways to have them out and about doing stuff and I can see why in this weather grandparents may not want to do outdoorsy activities

If the visit is to spend time together, just invite the grandparents round to yours, where your kids have all of their toys and belongings and can spend time with grandparents without the pressure of them feeling like they have to entertain them

Grandparents financial situation and holidays is totally irrelevant...they obviously dont want to spend money on this and feel it is too expensive

Who says she can't be arsed to look after them?

Why are they having your children to stay, @Overtherainbow89 ? Do they ask you for this to start? Do you ask them? How many days at a time/how often?

I imagine they just don't want to do childcare for you which is there perogative. My parents and inlaws have never done regular childcare for us (had the kid overnight a handful of times for emergencies) because they both live to far away but they still have very good relationships with my kids. We see them as a family regularly. And I factored in paying for childcare /built my career around it before having kids.

It sounds like you are expecting too much to me.

We need to know whose parents we're talking about before we pass any judgement.

I think you need to offer to compensate them for trips out.

Children get bored and irritable at home, and days out can be expensive.

The fact your parents go on nice holidays doesn't matter. Perhaps they can afford to go on nice holidays because they save elsewhere.

No we don't. It doesn't matter whether they are parents or In Laws.

@SoupDragon "No we don't. It doesn't matter whether they are parents or In Laws"

I absolutely agree. But on Mumsnet it does.

If you think they've had to make up an excuse as to why they don't want your dc for the weekend - ie you say they have money - then that makes it even clearer that they don't want your children there. It doesn't really matter what anyone thinks, it's up to them.

Nonsense. No we don’t .