Grandparents say it’s too expensive to have Grandchildren to stay

[Overtherainbow89]

AIBU?

Grandparents say they can’t have our 2 primary aged grandchildren to stay as it’s too expensive? They seem to think they have to take the children on days out every day (they don’t) and so have suggested they stick to having them in warmer months only?

For context they holiday several times a year and are not on the breadline. Thoughts please….?

And therefore they aren't telling the truth about the reason they don't want the grandkids to stay.

Not sure why people are finding this so hard to comprehend.

I’m an older mother (48 with an 8 year old) and I am exhausted when we’re all indoors all day. I can’t imagine doing that at 60 or 70. Don’t come back to your parents and argue all the reasons they absolutely can keep looking after your kids - they’re telling you they can’t and aren’t up for it.

When you’re young you can’t imagine how knackering it is looking after little kids when you’re older, and particularly when you haven’t done it full time for 30 years or so and have got used to a bit of calm and quiet.

Find other childcare.

Thoughts are how long are they having them for? A couple of days , a week or more ? It’s certainly true kids activities are expensive if taking them out . Although there are freebies but I’m guessing they are talking about the price of ice cream and takeaway food also . I think you should offer to pay in that case and I don’t know why you had to mention that they go away on holidays themselves and are not on the bread line . Maybe they scrimp to be able to do that . And I can see it would be boring to stay inside in the summer .

But people often don’t tell the whole truth, to spare people’s feelings or their own pride.

It can be hard to say, look, this is too much for us at our age. Or, look, you’re taking the piss expecting us to mind your kids all the time when we want to enjoy our retirement.

It's not about the money.

It's about them not wanting them in the house for some reason and not wanting to go out with them in the winter.

Sounds to me like they are trying to be polite instead of just saying they don’t want to do it, and they have no obligation to either

Thoughts please….?

The grandparents don't want the children to stay.

Sounds like an excuse. Maybe they find it too stressful looking after 2.

YABU… why do you think grandparents are obligated to look after your children? Whatever their reasons for not having them to stay you should respect their wishes. Maybe at their time of life they feel they’ve done their bit bringing kids up and now they want the freedom to do what they want and when they want. Why should they be tied down? Also what they spend their money on is their business not yours.
We are in our late 60’s, we’re retired having worked really hard for what we have, we absolutely love our freedom to come and go as we please. We would not want grandchildren clipping our wings whilst we still have the energy to go out and enjoy ourselves, we want to enjoy every moment whilst we are fit enough to do so.
Stop being selfish, they are your children so take responsibility, financial and otherwise.

Kids usually get exhausted if they’re out every day.

And are just as happy with a nice walk somewhere as they are a paid activity.

Suggest you talk to the GPs and check if money’s the real reason and how you could overcome this.

I don't think a lot of grandparents are up for running round after small active children. Grandparents tend to be a lot older than they used to be with people marrying and having children later. Grandparents used to be likely to be people in their fifties - now they are more likely to be pushing 70.

My mother used to come and stay when my husband and I went on holiday for 10 days to get somewhere warm and have a rest. But there was a nanny living in for the duration and the freezer was packed with home cooked meals for reheating. I left plenty of money for outings. My mum really enjoyed spending time with the children even though she was nearly 70 when the first one was born. I don't get the idea of grandparents looking after children as an alternative to a school holiday program though. They have done their time in the child rearing trenches.

This really
I used to come up with a range of activities that they could do with the kids
Or suggest some tv they would like, not llots but recognising my parents didn't have a clue
And making sure they had some toys at their house
But finally recognising that some of their traditional activities might also be fun and novel to the kids eg learning to knit, play chess, play cards, make Pom poms etc

YABU… why do you think grandparents are obligated to look after your children? Whatever their reasons for not having them to stay you should respect their wishes. Maybe at their time of life they feel they’ve done their bit bringing kids up and now they want the freedom to do what they want and when they want. Why should they be tied down? Also what they spend their money on is their business not yours

The OP has not said they are obligated. Not once. The refusal was couched in terms that, on the surface don't mesh with the facts. The money situation mentioned by the OP was context, I imagine to head off the posts saying what about the money? The OP has not shown disrespect in any way, but sought ideas.

OP - ask them upfront about the expense. It may well be a polite excuse concealing other reasons. It might be they have real money concerns that need to be addressed, i.e you pay for outings. Your use of "they seem to think" implies you haven't actually asked them. Ask them.

I kind of get it. I have 2 toddlers and they're bouncing off the walls if we don't go out. (I'm sick at home with them today so can't go out and they smashed a window.) Playgrounds and parks are the one free thing. Everything else costs money. You could give them money towards outings if that's the genuine reason they don't want.

They could just be like my parents who realised quite soon after one grandkid that they just don't have the energy or patience for them. They're more the benevolently smiling and present-giving grandparents with my two. It's pretty obvious they don't want to look after them.

They’d prefer to have your children come stay during the summer when there are outdoor options for activities. Not sure what’s confusing or in need of a bunch of thoughts, here.

It’ll be some combination of the kids seeming bored or being more difficult to manage if kept at home. These are both going to be significantly exacerbated when trying to keep kids in a home that isn’t set up for kids. Paid outings every day aren’t in their budget (which is fine, they don't need to be living a destitute life with nothing to spend on their own enjoyment in order to justify that) so they’d rather plan visits for summer when there are plenty of free outdoor options.

Assuming the goal is for your DP and their DGC to have mutually enjoyable time together this seems pretty open and shut. Plan the kids trips to stay at grandma’s and grandpa’s for summer.

And where would you be while the children are staying over?

I bet the kids start whining from the start about wanting stuff, outings or crap food because - expectations - such a delight to host entitled brats because mum and dad can't understand why you wouldn't love to provide free child care and indulge their every whim. Plus gives them time off. Good on you, grandparents!

Are you the grandparents of this post ?

Converse with your parents about whether they find looking after the kids in Winter more challenging for other reasons too.
Listen and learn their issues.

Offer to pay (generously) for extra entrance fees, library, pool memberships, hot chips and food when out.
Make a list of free things to do indoors within 5 miles of their home.
Train your children to play quiet indoor games and to independently read chapter books, knit, crochet, draw, write stories and enjoy puzzles.

Send them to your parents with books, craft kit, jigsaw puzzle etc.
Send the kids with a box of food for their pantry including a couple of packet cakes and eggs.
Remind them that indoor running and shouting is never an option

Your parents would find it tiresome to entertain kids who are cooped up inside on rainy, cold days.

Apart from discussing cost and things to do, inquire whether they'd like a break from child care altogether in Winter, or rather the kids stay for half the time etc.

Be prepared for honest answers and to be flexible.

OP, why do you need your children to stay at their grandparents' and how long is a typical stay?

How many times or where they holiday is none of your business, they can give all their money to a cats home it is nothing to do with you

I presume you don't want to pay for childcare or want 'time off' otherwise what would your problem be?

My MIL was in her early 50’s when her first set of grandkids were born and she was very hand on (FIL still worked very long shifts). By the time mine came along she was in her 70’s. It would be very unreasonable imo to ask her to take them for me for a few days. She’s a great granny, she doesn’t have to provide childcare to be a good grandmother and I wouldn’t resent her having help just because she didn’t babysit for me.

They don’t want to do it, respect that.

I think the OP was genuinely giving context about money and nothing more.

Probably just don't want to do it, which is their perogative. It's arrogant to assume they want to care for their grandchildren not everyone enjoys having their grandchildren left with them all day / every week / at night.

Presumably as grandparents either you or the father of the children know them well enough to know whether this is an excuse or not.

It’s their way of saying they don’t want to. They are willing to tolerate a few days in the summer only.

It’s a shame but I would stop asking them.