Grandparents say it’s too expensive to have Grandchildren to stay

[Overtherainbow89]

AIBU?

Grandparents say they can’t have our 2 primary aged grandchildren to stay as it’s too expensive? They seem to think they have to take the children on days out every day (they don’t) and so have suggested they stick to having them in warmer months only?

For context they holiday several times a year and are not on the breadline. Thoughts please….?

How often are you expecting them to stay at grandparents?

My DC stay at grandparents once a year and this is pretty recent - they are tweens. Before that we always stayed too. I wouldn’t expect regular overnights with grandparents tbh. It would be lovely, sure, but there’s no obligation.

If someone has said no, regardless of their reason, you need to respect it. They probably find it stressful having young children in the house but felt this was an easier less awkward excuse. It is also much more affordable in summer to be out the house, can just chill in the garden or go to the park, but winter is different. Also sounds like you'll have summer holidays support which is the real kicker. Just leave it, don't question it, and accept graciously whatever help they are willing to give.

@Overtherainbow89

The DGP don't owe you or your DC any 'stays'. If they don't want to host your DC for any reason or for no reason, that is their prerogative. Whether or not they can afford to do it is irrelevant. Maybe they're just at the age where they don't want the responsibility, whether your DC are toddlers or teens.

So, what is the real reason for your post? If it's that you'd like them to have a closer bond I can understand that, but you'll have to facilitate it by doing the planning, paying, and hosting. If it's that you want childfree time, you'll have to figure another way for that.

My mum found having both my boys too much as my dad had a neuro condition that meant he needed a good deal of her attention and care. She was fine with them one at a time but two was too much. So she had them one at a time for occasional overnights and each for a week in the summer. They were able to form a close bond and had a lovely relationship, even as young men. But we fit our boys into her abilities and Dad's schedule and insured that they knew how to behave at Gram's house so as not to disrupt things.

They maybe just don't want to have them or don't feel able to?

My children were very young when my parents passed away and they had never stayed over with them. They never minded them either, although they adored and spoiled them! My mother used to say she was worried they'd want to go home during the night (they lived an hour away from us). She also used to say when we visited that she loved to see them coming, and she loved to see them going home!

If your parents have a good relationship with you and your children, then maybe just leave it at that?

Sounds like the grandchildren are hard work- hence them backing out?
When our grandparents had us, they had us individually. They found that much more bearable.

That's what our grandparents did- had us individually.
Much easier, and we preferred it as felt more 'spoiled' with attention and nice things to do.

I think you need to take.the hint

I used to be picked up after school by ny great grandad 1 day a week (he was in his 70s to early 80s). We got the bus to his house, played exactly 3 rounds of cards and then he put the tv on to whatever sport was on that afternoon and I was allowed to play with my plastic animals in front of it but I had to be deadly silent.

in summer he took me to the beach & to the play park but in winter it was silent interminably boring tv. During the winter school holidays it felt like years! But, I loved him so much. He died when I was 8.

If you need the childcare, have you considered allowing communal but safe screen time or other easing of rules. (Apologies to all lovers of televised snooker)

There your kids your responsibility not the grandparents
Its now their time and they can do what they want.

Thoughts are that they don't want the grandchildren to stay, and that's fine. Loads of other ways to be involved grandparents. Take the hint.

Maybe they don’t want them to stay.

my in laws love my kids, are enthusiastic and attentive when we visit for an afternoon, but have never indicated that they’d a) enjoy the kids coming without us b) would want them to stay over.

why do you think yours should?

lovely if they do, but there’s no obligation, surely?

You write as if this is a regular thing, to stay with GPs for long enough to require whole days of care in between. If that's the case, you've had it pretty good so far.
You are being told now that for whatever reason this cannot continue.
Two primary school children is a big ask for childcare from anyone, let alone people over 60.
Their bank balance is not your affair.

(Cue the standard response of 'Boohoo it takes a village, where's my village? Wait till I get to pick your care home etc.' )

People find it hard to entertain younger kids and some younger kids find it hard to entertain themselves particularly if you are not going out.
Their grandparents obviously feel this.
If they are happy to look after your kids / their grandkids in warmer months then what’s wrong with that.

why aren’t you covering their costs, providing activities when the GPs are babysitting?

I’m reading it as staying in that they stay for a couple of days/overnight, in which case it’s a lot to expect them to look after children on overnight stays on a regular basis.

Having the grandkids can be expensive. Not wanting to eat what you want and when you do buy them what they want it's not right. You but some fruit they loved last time you had them - three weeks ago and now they don't like it.

Getting up at the crack of dawn and leaving every light they use on.

That's before you take them out for the day.

They’re not wrong though, it is expensive. My dgs is not a “sitting quietly watching the television” type of guy” My days of standing around at the freezing cold park or swimming at the public pool are well and truly done. I can handle soft play, not particularly cheap but can kill a few hours. However now he’s older it’s karting, trampoline park, swimming at the gym, crazy golf and whatever you call that VR stuff to keep him occupied and it’s really, really expensive and that’s before snacks, drinks and lunch. Perhaps you could offer to pay for their activities.

What it to you how many times they holiday a year. My parents has zero involvement in any childcare and they live 2 miles away. It pissed me off at the time but you have to get over it and when the grandchildren have no relationship or conversation with your children they will only have themselves to blame. I don't think you can create a correlation between their holidays and spending money on grandkids. Grandparents are usually tight with things like shopping, heating then holiday 4 times a year

They don't want them indoors and in the summer can take them to the park ect which is free.
But I also feel they've had their kids and should not feel they have to have their grandchildren if they don't want to, I think a lot of people expect that their parents should want to have their children, it's not a given, they've done their bit and it's now their time to enjoy their life without the responsibilities they once had.
( I'm not saying this is how you feel saying some people in general )

My parents always used to give my grandparents some money when we stayed, for days out etc. My grandparents are fabulous but they just wouldn't have had the money for outings.

Sure trips out are not obligatory, but they are probably doing it as much to keep themselves sane as for the children's sake so offering some expense money seems reasonable to me. Many wouldn't take it from their adult child unless they need it, I suspect.

I think they find it too much in whatever way Tiring, messy, expensive
Just because you think they have money, it's entirely their choice how they spend it.
Do they see them regularly?

It's really clear that they are trying b to find a polite way of saying enough is enough.
My children are aged between 10 and 16 and two of them stayed for one night with my parents about ten years ago when DH and I had been invited somewhere really important, but other than that, they have never stayed with either set of grandparents. They're our children, we chose to have them and I wouldn't expect anyone else to have to look after them overnight.
It's hard, we work full time, some of our children have additional needs, but this is what we chose. My parents chose to have two children nearly 50 years ago, I don't think they should still be parenting -it's hard bloody work.

So are you saying that how much grandparents help out now should have no impact on how much you later help out grandparents?

Because that's not how it works.

Wondering if you're my cousin 🤔 My aunty has her grandchild to stay and has recently confided in me that she ends up spending so much money that she simply can't afford to keep doing it with the same frequency. The kids don't behave particularly well which is harder to manage when stuck inside the house, they complain of being bored if not constantly entertained and the activities they request are really expensive. She wants to be a good grandma and give them a good time, but it's costing her hundreds of pounds to have them over for a few days. She struggles to say no to all the requests when they are there so she thinks the way forward is to reduce the number of visits.

There's a strong whiff of entitlement coming through in your OP which makes me wonder if there's something similar going on.

It doesn’t sound like money is the issue if they go on several holidays a year… more likely they simply aren’t interested in spending large amounts of time with them and/or don’t want the hassle, but obviously can’t tell you that! My DC’s wealthy boomer grandparents are like this.. Bit disappointing but not much you can do.