To be upset by sister’s attitude

[Remotenut]

my husband and I have 1 son who it took a good while to conceive, we knew we wanted 2 close in age and given how long it took to conceive our son we started trying when he was 9 months old and 6 months later I got pregnant. Im due 10 weeks before my sisters wedding who I’m bridesmaid for

my sister is a major bridezilla (think got a quote for outsourced cutlery because she wasn’t fussed on the cutlery at the reception which is a 5 star hotel so I doubt the cutlery is bad but that’s the level we are talking)

over the last few days she’s been asking me what my plan is with the baby and how I basically need to be at her beck and call over the wedding, including the night before. I said the baby will still be feeding during the night so I need to be at home to feed her. She went mad and asked could I not just leave the baby with my husbands family for a few nights. I explained the baby will only be 10 weeks old, my husbands family all have their own kids and the wedding is 2.5 hours away and I wouldn’t be comfortable being that far away from the baby when she’s so small.

last night it came up again that she’s having her hen a few days before I’m due to go have my section and my brother jokingly said oh what if Remotenut’s waters break at your hen. She turned and said remotenut’s life wouldn’t be worth living if she did that. I said that’s really not in my control (my son was 3 weeks early) and she said well you knew when this wedding was.

i understand it’s her day and she’s obviously wanting it to be all about her and that’s fine but I feel I couldn’t put my life on hold for 1 day (she asked me would I not just wait until her wedding was over to start trying for another baby)

I think I’m just going to say that I’ll go to the wedding but my husband will stay at home with the children. I don’t want that but I honestly don’t know what to do. AIBU to be upset by her attitude?

Oh dear. You need to put yourself first in this scenario. Yes the wedding day is about the bride and groom but that doesn’t not give the bride the right to demand people to revolve their lives around her or make ridiculous requests. You will have just had a baby, (the demands and recovery should be obvious to people) you have a big recovery ahead, just because it’s not your first doesn’t mean it’s easier. Adjusting to two can also be a lot to handle. She’s is a sister to you too and you would think she cares about you too. Leaving kids behind is one thing, but a newborn is harder and if you are not comfortable with that then you shouldn’t have to.
If she actually told you that you should have planed your trying around her wedding, that is where I would have stepped away and told her I’ll attend but I’m not going to be running around you.

Then you can’t be bridesmaid as you can’t go to the church. That would be crystal clear to me.

Agree with above.

She is a complete bully.
Step down as bridesmaid.
What does the rest of your family think? Is there someone who can have a word with her.

The only very slight benefit of the doubt I would give her is that she just doesn't understand the demands of a new born ( and you have an older child too). Of course when she has her children, she will be a Pregzilla and a Mumzilla too.

Since her reaction is to huff and walk off - she expects you to run after her and try to sooth her. Don't do it. Let her walk. She will come back for a second round and you will have the great satisfaction of saying to her I tried to talk to you but you walked off as usual. Don't keep taking this on the chin. Be brave for your baby and yourself. Put that foot right down and show that you ain't budging. They will come to realise that you mean it - however much bad mouthing you have to put up with - let them. You know you are in the right.

You have to decide who's more important, your sister or your baby and family.

Frankly this is batshit and you need to stand up to your sister , yes it’s her wedding day but it doesn’t give her the right to “demand” how you spend your time, leave your baby at home etc. I would suggest for everyone’s sanity you step down as bridesmaid now. After a c section and with a 10 week old baby there is no way you can manage all her demands which I sure will just get ever more ridiculous as the wedding gets closer. I’d suggest something along the lines of

“sorry Tabatha, but I don’t think I can live up to your ridiculously high expectations of what a bridesmaid will be doing for you. I will be managing a 10 week old baby and will have had major surgery myself which I will still be getting over. I think it’s best if I step back and you rely on your other bridesmaids who can give you the support you want and can make sure you have your special day”.

I’d be telling her to stick her bizarre demands where the sun don’t shine, OP - as a pp wrote, you have your own family now and you’ll be only 10 weeks post-partum. You’ll always remember this ridiculous saga and the upset it’s causing you if you give in.
How the hell did she find some poor sod a guy to marry her? She must be a bloody nightmare to live with!!

Breastfeeding bridesmaid will upstage her. Everyone will be focused on your new baby... No. Actually people will be looking at the Bride and Groom. It really annoys me that people think members of the bridal party will steal the limelight.

If she wants you there, you will be there with baby. End of. That's the deal. She can take it -- or leave it.

I also don't understand child-free weddings. They are caused by weddings so theoretically as people marry or get older, they will have kids. Unless you all get married within a few months of each other there will be kids. I get cross seeing people who happen to be the first to have kids suffer. I'm sure she'll want HER kids at all future events and kick-off if they're not included.

You will need to put your child's needs first and it should go without saying that you cannot choose when your waters may break! Your sister sounds unbelievably selfish and none too bright, and mother no help at all - so you have to look after yourself. As others have suggested I'd withdraw from being bridesmaid as you just can't do it in the way she wants - then keep your options open about what you might do. Babies have a habit of being unpredictable!

Your sister is insane. She’s so far unreasonable she’s off the scale. Stand down as bridesmaid and tell her either all 4 of you go to the wedding or none of you go.

Am I right she said you knew when the wedding is going to be, in relation to your planned c?

Childbirth or planned caesareans happen when they happen.

If she was a rellie of mine, I might suggest she seek advice from her GP to get something to calm her down?

There is 2 hours between the church and reception sorry that’s bonkers.
Honestly I bet the marriage lasts less than 2 years.
Im glad you are planning to push back, personally I’d attend the service and skip the reception since your family aren’t really welcome.

Put your tiny baby first and tell your DS that you will be unable to be her bridesmaid , what if one of the children are unwell on the day will you be happy leaving them to pander to your DS.
Best to tell her sooner than later, if she goes mad it's too bad.

Step down as bridesmaid and consider distancing yourself from this very toxic sounding person

AND there's no way she's going to be able to handle all the attention a new family baby will be taking away from her.

You are not being in the least unreasonable but She is! When the time comes for her to have a baby will she realise how unreasonable she was with you. Until then I would simply back off and enjoy your own family situation.

I think you need to be very clear here. You need to tell your sister that the welfare of your immediate family comes before her wedding.

Bring your baby or don’t go.

Don’t join in with any of it except as a guest accompanied by baby.

Another vote for standing down. Let her rant and rave and accuse you of all sorts but stand your ground. If she’s foolish enough to then uninvite you, so be it. She sounds like a nightmare tbh. You don’t have to tolerate completely unreasonable behaviour just because you’re sisters.

Good luck OP, I doubt she will make it easy for you to step back, but either way she is likely to be unhappy with the level of commitment you can give and your young DC, especially EBF, have to be your priority.

Those who accuse others of “making it all about them” are usually projecting their own psychology and it’s part of their manipulation/control and justification for their own (narcissistic) behaviour.

Then again, how could you wear a cream coloured jumper to her dress shopping?! 🙄😂

Look your a new mother and noone in there right mind would want to leave a newborn for any amount of period yiur sister is being a brat and inconsiderate and more to the point hurtful and vengeful I wouldn't give her the time of day let alone be at her beck and call just simply write her a letter explaining the situation step down as a bridesmaid as I'm sure she has many other wonderful ones at her beck and call that way yiu can all attend the wedding and reception without the cause for upsetting either of you further you'll still be at the wedding just not as a bridesmaid and if your selfish sister wants to keep things on then simply walk away until she grows up as for writing the letter it's a better route than standing there being shouted at or backed into a corner that way you say what you need and close that chapter the rest is up to yiur sister not yiu don't yiu dare feel the slightest bit guilty

Wow that was very unfair

Your sister needs to grow up,whatever you do is wrong so I would step out let her rant and rave like a spoilt brat,it's not worth all the stress.

Agree with this. You really don't need this stress.

This wedding is making you really unhappy. Time to get assertive. Your children will be at an age where they are your main concern, and being a very involved bridesmaid means that you can't give them the care they need. Tell DS that, say that sadly you can't be a bridesmaid. Don't let them browbeat you into feeling guilty, your decision is final. You hope you and your family will be welcome at the wedding, but your needs come first.

Do what is best for your baby you and you husband and toddler