To be upset by sister’s attitude

[Remotenut]

my husband and I have 1 son who it took a good while to conceive, we knew we wanted 2 close in age and given how long it took to conceive our son we started trying when he was 9 months old and 6 months later I got pregnant. Im due 10 weeks before my sisters wedding who I’m bridesmaid for

my sister is a major bridezilla (think got a quote for outsourced cutlery because she wasn’t fussed on the cutlery at the reception which is a 5 star hotel so I doubt the cutlery is bad but that’s the level we are talking)

over the last few days she’s been asking me what my plan is with the baby and how I basically need to be at her beck and call over the wedding, including the night before. I said the baby will still be feeding during the night so I need to be at home to feed her. She went mad and asked could I not just leave the baby with my husbands family for a few nights. I explained the baby will only be 10 weeks old, my husbands family all have their own kids and the wedding is 2.5 hours away and I wouldn’t be comfortable being that far away from the baby when she’s so small.

last night it came up again that she’s having her hen a few days before I’m due to go have my section and my brother jokingly said oh what if Remotenut’s waters break at your hen. She turned and said remotenut’s life wouldn’t be worth living if she did that. I said that’s really not in my control (my son was 3 weeks early) and she said well you knew when this wedding was.

i understand it’s her day and she’s obviously wanting it to be all about her and that’s fine but I feel I couldn’t put my life on hold for 1 day (she asked me would I not just wait until her wedding was over to start trying for another baby)

I think I’m just going to say that I’ll go to the wedding but my husband will stay at home with the children. I don’t want that but I honestly don’t know what to do. AIBU to be upset by her attitude?

I really couldn't be doing with the selfish narcissist person your sister is at the moment. It will be interesting to see if she returns to normal after this is all over. Could you ask her if she feels she's been abducted by aliens as it certainly sounds like it. Do remember to keep notes of all this for when she is expecting and someone is placing ridiculous demands upon her

Sorry OP I still want to slap her

Honestly, I think you should put your own family first, step down as bridesmaid and tell your nightmare of a sister to fuck off. Let her rant, it’s only words. Your life will be better without having to cater to her unreasonable demands.

Your family doesn’t sound normal

just the fact abuse existed and blame was placed on you is not right

Then take action. Don't go to the wedding. And if she stops talking to you, great!

I would step down as bridesmaid and just come to the wedding. No responsibility for the hen do and wedding. You should bring your baby.

Are you saying you all go to the church then travel 2 hours for the reception?????? That’s bloody ridiculous! Has nobody pointed that out to her. What happens if there’s an accident and you’re all held up? Or if you got lost…..?

She sounds like my sister. I wish I’d stood up to her, and my mother, years ago. Might have a relationship with my mother still.

I'd be standing down as 'sister', quite frankly - what are her good qualities?

Honestly I'd tell her to catch the fuck on. You won't be at her beck and call. She's an adult and you're not her paid help. You'll be with your baby, which is where you belong when they're 10 weeks old.

I think most men won't get between a pair of warring women, especially sisters, he was probably just as happy to have his 'birthday meal' on his knee, it was she who kicked off! I'd be buying him some running shoes and a map.

I often feel, reading various posts on MN, that 'a good slap' would solve a lot of problems!

"It's only a wedding. It's not all that important. I have more important things on my mind."

church (15 mins away from home)

I'd be tempted to just go to the ceremony tbh.

You were wearing a cream jumper? She's a total nut case!!

I thought your DSis was just being over the top about the wedding but it sounds like that's her normal. Your family dynamics are worrying, a bit like you all have to present a united front, all so happy and close, even though you're all at odds with each other and no ones allowed to stand up for themselves or tell the truth. Frankly Op, if you say no to your Dsis and it turns into the family row of a lifetime they may not be a bad thing. Time for some honesty Op

Do the other guests know about the 2 hour drive? Suspect there'll be some cancellations once they find out. I certainly wouldn't attend both venues.

Your sister is clearly a narcissist. She is clearly making the wedding all about her, not about marrying the love of her life. She expected you to put trying to conceive on hold so the focus wasn’t taken away from her. The story about the cream jumper ( at a dress fitting !) is just wild. She has zero empathy and understanding for you.
Why is everyone accommodating her insane behaviour?
You and other family members should give her a reality check. You need to prioritise your mental health with this shit. As others have said, stand down as bridesmaid. Good luck 🤞

You are going to have to draw the line at some point. Up to you whether you do it before the wedding or after. But she is determined to dominate and abuse you. Your family isn’t “co dependent “ it is managing a highly narcissistic, abusive, person. She is rocking the boat every second and you all rush to stabilize it (that part is codependent). If you stop rushing around stabilizing the boat she will have to fall in the water and learn how to swim. Just get off the boat.

This isn't about a wedding.

She's aware these are her neice and nephew right? She's entitled to be the center of her world... not yours

If the church is 15 minutes from your house then go to the ceremony, but decline the rest of the day as you don't want to be away from your newborn.

I'd have told her to shove her wedding up her arse the moment she made the comment about your waters breaking tbh. Who the hell does she think she is?!

You're having a baby. Stress and upset will be bad for both of you. I think you should either pull out now or develop some cast-iron boundaries - and stick to them.

2 hours from the ceremony to the reception?! That’s insane! Has she got many guests?

Wow!

I'd say I can do what I can but my baby will need me and she will be my priority. Do not leave your DH at home with the children, wtf. Weddings are family affairs. If she doesn't like that, the option is for her to find another bridesmaid.

Having such a huge distance from ceremony to reception is bonkers! What if there’s a big hold up and everyone gets stuck in traffic, the meal will be ruined- for someone so ott about their wedding this seems crazy. If I had a baby niece I would make them the star of the show at my wedding and get the most gorgeous outfit and photos- just saying… pop to the ceremony and then go and snuggle your baby

OP Some people are narcissists. They are usually supported by enablers.
Narcissists don't benefit by changing.
Enablers fear the repercussions of standing up to a narcissist because narcissists tend to react badly when anyone stands up to them.
Narcissists have a huge sense of entitlement. Enablers inadvertently feed this enormous sense of entitlement.

Your sister sounds like a narcissist. Your mother and her boyfriend are flying monkeys and Enablers, probably in a vain attempt to keep the peace.
You sound like a scapegoat, a people pleaser.
You need to erect boundaries with narcissists and their flying monkeys or the damage they do goes onto affect your DC.
Please understand what a boundary is OP. A boundary is not telling someone they hurt your feelings or explaining to them how you feel expecting them to understand. This is simply expressing how you feel.
A boundary is making clear what you will or will not be doing and what the consequences will be if they don't accept the boundary.
In your sisters case, it goes something like this;
"Sister, I am stepping down as bridesmaid from today. Unfortunately I cannot prioritise bridesmaid duties now I've had my baby and I'm not prepared to compromise to the level you wish me to.
I am happy to attend the wedding service and I'm looking forward to seeing you get married.'

If she or anyone responds by revoking the invitation, or being abusive, simply respond by saying you're sorry they feel that way, but you have made your choice and you won't be changing your mind.

If your sister refuses to speak to you after that, count yourself and your children extremely fortunate that your sister has then done what it really sounds like you need to be doing, removing yourself from this toxic equation.
Your DC will thank you for escaping this toxic situation and will appreciate not being recruited as the next generation of flying monkeys.
You will find peace when you remove yourself from this dynamic.

With the church and reception 2 hours apart, I suspect a lot of the guests will opt for one or the other but not both.
I thought we were pushing it with reception being 30 minutes from the church!