DW crying infront of the children

[Tonytonitonee]

Does crying / arguing in front of children have an long term impact on their well being? I remember my parents having screaming rows when i was younger and being unpstairs listening and being in a state of panic. This was 30-35 odd years ago and it still makes me upset when I remember.

Due to my childhood experience, I have tried my best not to be too emotional in front of my children.

However, my DW has no hesitation crying or arguing in front of the children.

This means we cannot have an adult conversation about any issues with our marriage because she will become very defensive & shouty.

It also means that when she criticises me in front of the children, and she does fairly often, I don't defend myself. I generally accept her criticism because I want descalate the situation. Unfortunately, the children have occasionally repeated DW's criticism.

I am abit lost as to what I should do next. I am deeply, deeply unhappy, but I am too scared to say anything for fear of upsetting DW.

I don't think we should have to pretend we don't cry. That's not helpful.

But I am not sure this is about whether it is ok to cry in front of children or not. This sounds like potentially having serious conversations in front of the children and then being perturbed when your wife cries.

Serious conversations should take place in private.

From your description it doesn't sound like you can communicate with your wife on any level and constantly criticising you is abuse.

I would get some support from The Men's Advice Line: 0808 801 0327. I would also advise therapy to help you process this, you might find BACP useful.

That sounds abusive. I agree with PP.

This sounds like the crying is manipulative and her constantly criticising you to the point the children are joining in and you are too scared to say anything is clearly abuse.

You need to leave her.

Your wife needs a little more emotional intelligence and self-control. She is damaging your children.

I also agree she sounds abusive and FWIW I agree that crying in front of kids too often isn’t great. I know of an abusive male that often cry’s in front of his DC for attention. vile behaviour.

I’m not saying people shouldn’t cry ever in front of kids but I think it’s unnerving to see a parent cry. That’s my memory of it anyway. I would avoid crying infant of my children personally

We will have a serious conversation in private but she will relay it back to the children and make it seem much worse than it actually was.

Yes, she is being abusive. It will have lifelong repercussions for your children.

It needs to stop, now.

Arguing does

Crying when upset is a normal healthy emotion, I would be worried about raising emotionally stunted children if they never saw me expressing emotions

Get help to protect yourself and your children. You have married an emotionally labile abuser, just like your parents, and she will not stop. You just have to get out and show your children a calm, safe, household fifty percent of the time.

My parents had tows though neither of them cried and I don’t think it damaged me particularly. I think it would be far more damaging for children to never see conflict or resolution.

That sounds manipulative and abusive, @Tonytonitonee. I'm so sorry.

I found my parents' arguments frightening and upsetting, despite them never occurring in front of me, but we're 'scheduled' as 'grown up discussions' after I'd gone to bed (when I was awake they made efforts to be cordial and respectful). Their arguments never got out of hand -I could hear much of what was said; all fairly reasonable. On a few occasions, I heard my parents crying and it was the worst thing I'd ever experienced. It impacted me for years until their separation some years later, which came as a massive relief.

Now I try to be very careful with how I approach conflict with DP in order to keep DC out of it. He, however, has no such compunctions, but believes our DC will benefit from experiencing their parents' 'real' emotional responses and disagreements, and let's it all hang out, leaving me feeling stuck and unable to respond appropriately.

Some may say I'm overprotective or sheltering DC from real life, but I feel really strongly that they don't need to experience adult conflict. And DP's style of conflict resolution definitely isn't one I'd choose to model.

God that's a bit of an overreaction!!! There are steps to be taken short of this!!

this is my own opinion based on my experience: it was incredibly upsetting when my mother got upset and emotional - crying, irrational, hurting, blaming. I would never let my kids have to see that.

There is crying and then there's crying. It sounds like your wife is manipulative and is not prioritizing your kids. She sounds horrible.

How old are you kids?

I think children hearing arguments can be damaging. Crying and showing emotions in front of children isn’t bad, but a child seeing a parent cry and be very emotional due to arguing is damaging.

Why are you having so many arguments? What is she criticising you about?

As our children got older we didn’t shelter them from all disagreements as I think disagreeing is part of a relationship sometimes, and seeing us communicate well without shouting helps them learn how to communicate well and remain respectful.

Relaying serious and private conversations to children is generally bad. How old are the children?

It's not a good thing to have an argument and emotional outbursts in front of children. It is quite another level of maniplation and damage to bring your children into the argument by telling them and criticising one parent on top of that.

What sort of age are your DC?

Do you argue often?

If you are having to modify your behaviour to comply with your DW, are being frequently criticised unfairly and unconstructively, and your opinions or ideas are invalidated, you are being emotionally abused and need help to cope.

It can be hard to accept that you are being abused but from what you say it sounds like a manipulative relationship where you have to modify your reactions to prevent any further harm to yourself and your children. This is never a good situation for anyone.

@username358 gave you the details of The Mens Adviceline which is a good first port of call

I'm another one who found seeing my mother cry incredibly distressing. The only way I can describe it is it was like a sudden realisation that she wasn't the strong invincible person I thought she was. And that terrified me. I was always anxious after that ended up feeling like I had to be strong for her. Your wife is taking it to a whole other level. It's going to fuck your kids up like you wouldn't believe. They'll probably blame you too for not protecting them from it.

How old are the children?

Not sure what sort of crying your wife is doing. You seem to be talking about it in the context of arguing - is it that she gets angry and shouts and cries? Or is she crying because she’s been hurt in someway? Or…?

I don’t think it’s a good idea to pretend we don’t cry, but adult carers seeming out of control is normally frightening to children. Shouting at you or the children, criticising you, relaying serious conversations back to them would likely be bad for the children if it happens more than very occasionally. But details and context are important and you haven’t really provided a good picture of what’s happening.

What sort of things do you argue about?
You should wait until the children are in bed before discussing anything contentious.

I've seen my dad cry three times - once when his father died, once when he was overcome with emotion during a milestone birthday, and once when he was exhausted and at the end of his tether. None of them were easy to see, but they were genuine tears - he was crying because he was emotional.

My mother, on the other hand, would cry every now and then to manipulate - so we'd feel sorry for her, so she'd become the "victim" (when in reality, she'd been the first to start the argument), so no one could say anything anymore. That was absolutely awful to witness - especially as a child when I didn't have any idea what was going on but knew that my father and I had to shut up and do as she said now that she was crying.

Why are you making her cry??

In a word yes. Witnessing my DM's hysterical temper tantrums throughout my childhood into adulthood basically ruined my life.

Please don't be the bystander parent in this who lets this happen to your DC.