DW crying infront of the children

[Tonytonitonee]

Does crying / arguing in front of children have an long term impact on their well being? I remember my parents having screaming rows when i was younger and being unpstairs listening and being in a state of panic. This was 30-35 odd years ago and it still makes me upset when I remember.

Due to my childhood experience, I have tried my best not to be too emotional in front of my children.

However, my DW has no hesitation crying or arguing in front of the children.

This means we cannot have an adult conversation about any issues with our marriage because she will become very defensive & shouty.

It also means that when she criticises me in front of the children, and she does fairly often, I don't defend myself. I generally accept her criticism because I want descalate the situation. Unfortunately, the children have occasionally repeated DW's criticism.

I am abit lost as to what I should do next. I am deeply, deeply unhappy, but I am too scared to say anything for fear of upsetting DW.

You're in an abusive relationship with a controlling and manipulative woman, by the sound of it. What you're describing isn't at all healthy for you, or the kids.

@Tonytonitonee

Can you give an example of 'I said/she said/I said/she cried'? It may help us to have an idea of exactly what's setting her off.

It could be that she's suffering from depression, that you're saying emotionally provocative things to her (not saying you are), the discussion is a triggering subject to her, or just that she's manipulative.

Obvs saying you're mean to her to the DC 'after the fact' or for her to cry in front of the DC with the purpose of letting them know 'you've upset her' is dead wrong No excuse for that. But to stop it you have to try and get to the root cause of it. If it's something that counseling can help, suggest it. If it's purely to manipulate you, then you need to seriously consider ending the marriage.

I would like to hear the other side of this tbh. She could be abusive, but it could be reactive abuse. Trying to conduct an argument healthily with someone who says they want to sit by themself in a dark room for a few days "because of stuff going on at work" sounds terribly frustrating. I can see that she could be at the end of her tether. But I don't think there's really enough information for anyone here to say either way. I hope OP isn't going to use this thread to "prove" to her that SIBU because maybe she's not.

@Tonytonitonee
HRTWT, so don’t know if anyone else has said it, but LTB, she is abusing you. That’s what would be said if things were the other way round. Getting the children involved in this is so unfair and just plain wrong.

I don't have children so am prepared to be slaughtered.

I don't think children should be exposed to any adult issues or in the rare occasions they have to it should be on a very basic level and age appropriate.

No one should have to be walking on eggshells in their own house, and if you are then the kids will be as well. They will be worrying about triggering one of their mum's emotional outbursts. Your wife needs counselling to help her deal with her frustrations and anger in a more constructive way. I doubt she's going to take well to hearing that though.

Of course because it's a man, people want to "hear the other side of the story" and the wife "needs support" and "how do we know this is abusive?" 🙄

I don’t have children either and I wholeheartedly agree with you.

And if the OP was a woman no one would be saying this is only one side of the story.

You have a very significant communication, boundary and parentification issues going on. They are serious and yes they are damaging your children.

What happens when you deal with conflict when you are alone? Does it get resolved then? Does she feel it is resolved too?

My own DH and I really struggled with this for years too and we get along brilliantly otherwise but after two really poor sets of parenting role models in the arena of conflict growing up, we simply did not have the tools. I will say that the issues were coming from both sides in our case, likely in yours too and your behaviour in conflict could be triggering wounds for her.

In our case it took a lot of hard work and commitment on both sides to get an improvement in conflict communication and outside input was valuable.

everyone would say LTB or change the locks and keep the kids away

Amazing you were able to form that view from the very little detail you got from OP and not hearing OPs DWs view at all.

OP, I’d like to treat DWs POV. Showing emotion in front of children isn’t a bad thing, they need to learn it’s good to express emotion.

Continually arguing is not ok. Maybe you need to go to counselling to learn how to communicate better as it’s very likely you have a part in this also.

I would absolutely say the other persons POV is important, because it is. Problems in a relationship are very rarely one sided.

An 11 and 9 year old shouldn't be involved in adult conversation or discussions. I think her behaviour is abusive to both you and the children.

Realistically, it's okay to cry in front of your kids.She is allowed to have emotions. However, It's not okay to talk negatively about the other parent.

No I didn't bother, just thought I would make some shit up.

FWIW I think the OP does need to understand why she is crying, which seems to often be related to him, because I do think she sounds very unhappy.

However, she should not be relaying arguments to the children and unless she understands and accepts this, I don't know how the OP can prevent it happening.

Going to say something against the grain here. Arguing occasionally in front of your kids is ok as long as you see it through to the end including the make up. How else can you model that adults have disagreements but can come out the other side?

Belittling you in front of the kids is not on though.

Could it be menopause? This sounds like someone who is either breaking down or going through hormone fluctuations

If the OP was a woman saying that her DH often cried, I'd also think he was unhappy, same as I think the DW here is.

What response would satisfy you? Everyone to say she's an awful person and that he should LTB? Even if she is crying with the purpose of being manipulative, she's a very unhappy woman and making the rest of her family miserable too.

I don't see what difference it would make if the sexes were reversed!

This is fucked up. I think this is called triangulation.

You have correctly identified that your children are growing up in a toxic environment.

Unfortunately there is nothing you can do to change her behaviour, you can only change your own. So, you either carry on as you are or you do something different.

It's not right but she sounds terribly upset. What do you row about? What do the children say to you?

You need to tell her that her children aren’t her therapists and they do not need to hear about the arguments between you both or what happens at work etc.

I was raised in a home like you OP and it was awful.

As PPs have said, it’s ok to cry and sometimes have disagreements but what she’s doing sounds very unfair.

Can she afford therapy?
If she needs an outlet then she needs to talk to a friend or a professional, not the kids.

Be very open with her about how she’s draining you and you have your own things going on too and you try hard to keep these issues from the kids because that’s what good parents do.

She sounds manipulative because people feel sorry for when she cries but I think you need to be very blunt with her.

My brother and I grew up with my parents rowing in front of us at times ( mainly to do with affairs but I don't think this was the sole issue. Yes I think it can cause upset, and even trauma for the children. We were convinced they would be getting a divorce although it didn't come to it in the end.

Sorry I can't add much to what's been said so far. You need to have these discussions when the children are not at home. She needs to know she is harming your children with her silly games. If you can't hold a civilised conversation when the children won't be aware of it, then yes, counselling is the next step.

Whatever- the DC shouldn't be involved/weaponised....