DW crying infront of the children

[Tonytonitonee]

Does crying / arguing in front of children have an long term impact on their well being? I remember my parents having screaming rows when i was younger and being unpstairs listening and being in a state of panic. This was 30-35 odd years ago and it still makes me upset when I remember.

Due to my childhood experience, I have tried my best not to be too emotional in front of my children.

However, my DW has no hesitation crying or arguing in front of the children.

This means we cannot have an adult conversation about any issues with our marriage because she will become very defensive & shouty.

It also means that when she criticises me in front of the children, and she does fairly often, I don't defend myself. I generally accept her criticism because I want descalate the situation. Unfortunately, the children have occasionally repeated DW's criticism.

I am abit lost as to what I should do next. I am deeply, deeply unhappy, but I am too scared to say anything for fear of upsetting DW.

Seek professional advice.

Working together on healthy ways to communicate, without manipulation, name calling, shouting and with respect and honesty will be the making of your relationship.
It will keep your marriage happy.
You need to work out a way to feel safe while communicating.

You want to stay happily married - with the emphasis on HAPPILY.

I agree with not upsetting the children and not involving them in abstract aspects of your married life. Your wife is too infantile in how she communicates and you do not possess the skills to improve your situation either.

Put value on learning a new way; prioritise seeking professional assistance.

If you will not seek outside instruction; at least take your wife out on a real date each week.

During that time discuss real issues and also talk about what is appropriate to share with the children and what is not and how you could both try to be more kind to each other, in front of the kids especially.

I agree with this. I saw and heard a lot of stuff I should not have as a kid and it definitely messed me up.

If I had been raised in a stable household, I would have had a far better life and been a totally different person, I am certain of it.

You’ve nailed it. I have nothing to add to this very sensible post. 👏

@Tonytonitonee If you are deeply unhappy, almost certainly your wife is , too.

Children absolutely do remember weeping and wailing from a parent{usually mothers} .

It 'can' be used as a control tool.

Sounds like a divorce is likely down the track - please don't do the dirty on your wife and hop from one woman to another- if you are unhappy, leave first.

Not sure if marriage/relationship counselling works- Maybe it does for some people if BOTH really want to make it happen, and are willing to look at their own faults.

If they both fundamentally love each other.

But once disrespect enters the relationship, it's unlikely.

That's really abusive to the children to involve them in marital spats.
They do not need to ever be party to their parents marital unhappiness. {No matter what their ages , eg, teens} it's not fair on them, their parents need to be strong for them.

Some things should remain strictly between the adults.

Yes you can argue in front of them, but you should also be making up in front of them.

She sounds like my mother. I'm nearly 50 and still fucked up by my childhood.

You’re being emotionally abused OP from what you’ve said. How old are your children? Someone posted a number upthread, definitely call them, you need someone to talk to who can be empathetic towards you and offer constructive advice only, rather than on here where advice is mixed in with “well why did you make her cry?” Type replies.

Sounds like she is emotionally abusive to both you and the children. Why is she relaying details of arguments you had in private to them? I see no good reason for this especially assuming they are young children as opposed to adult children. She is definitely on the road to screwing up your kids
and giving them lifelong issues.

My mum cried and ranted so often to/in front of us looking back I’m amazed, I mean she could’ve cried in her room and called her siblings/friend to rant from her room too. But she would deliberately come into our spaces and offload. It had a horrific effect on me and I felt not only responsible for her but responsible for any friend who acted in a similar way to her so I was a magnet for trauma dumpers and emotional vampires at one point.

Please seek therapy, help advice for you and your family.

Why is your wife crying?

Showing emotions is healthy, your wife sounds plain mean. Have a frank conversation with her when kids in bed remind her of your childhood and the trauma you carry from that be very firm that you do not want your children to have the same memories in 20 years and she needs to make some changes . They get one childhood and you get one life take control

This means we cannot have an adult conversation about any issues with our marriage because she will become very defensive & shouty.

Why can't you have these conversations away from the kids?
I'm suspicious honestly. My DH uses "not in front of the kids" to shut me down but he won't talk when they're not there either. So if something bothers me, I'm never allowed to talk about it. Which probably does make me "defensive and shouty."
What is she unhappy about?

Not really. If this were the other way round posters would have gone straight to calling the posters husband abusive and shouting LTB.

She’s using it as a form of control.

The arguments aren't a regular thing, we can go months when everything is fine, however she goes through these phases where she gets frustrated at everything and she needs an outlet.
This has become more and more common.

She will compare us to other families and find faults and blame me.

Is there anything that triggers these episodes?

She sounds awful @Tonytonitonee.

I think she sounds like a woman who is desperately unhappy. Happy, or even contented women, don't behave like this.

I don't think she sounds awful at all - I think she needs help and support.

@Tonytonitonee does she have any reason to be so unhappy? Do you pull your weight around the house, with the kids? Does she think you do?

Posters trying to justify her behaviour are minimising her abusive behaviour. Mocking you and telling the children about grown up rows is a form of parental alienation. You do need to tell someone and get some proper advice.
No one would excuse a man behaving in this way and it is completely unacceptable for a woman to do this as well.
By eight or nine children become more aware of attempts to manipulate their feelings. They don't like being drawn into adult conflict.

I agree and when it has got to the stage the children have repeated some of it back to their father she is indulging in parental alienation and that OP feels he needs to comply to keep the house calmer.

I know it's hard to admit there is abuse by those being abused like the OP, but it clearly is abuse going on. Even if it isn't happening all the time, it is increasing and their children are being taught how to treat their father, none of what is happening here is good.

If this was happening to your friend OP what would you say?

https://mankind.org.uk/help-for-victims/is-a-man-you-know-a-victim-spotting-the-signs/

My friend's wife was very fond of belittling him in front of the children. She was always having rows with people. It was very uncomfortable to watch. "Can you do nothing right?" "Why are you so stupid?"

Er.
You (including you, dear OP) argue in front of the kids.

Don't argue in front of the kids ?

And if you do, don't blame your wife for getting upset.

I wonder what her side of the story is.

And you 'know' that her behaviour is "abusive" how??