To be Concerned about husband's reaction to Xmas planning making it about race

[anonymousxmasposter]

I'm a British Asian woman married to a white man, and I'm currently pregnant with our first child. I need some advice about a situation that's really bothering me.

I suggested hosting Christmas this year but separately for our families - mainly because of logistics. My family is quite large (10 people), younger (mostly teens and twenty-somethings), and celebrates with music, games, and a lively atmosphere. His family is small (4 people), much older (60s-80s), more traditional, and quieter. His father has dementia and hearing difficulties, which makes large gatherings challenging for him.

When I suggested hosting our families separately to make everyone more comfortable, my husband immediately accused me of wanting an "Asian-only Christmas where we just do our own Asian thing." I was shocked because it had nothing to do with race - I was thinking about space, comfort levels, and very different celebration styles. My sisters boyfriend is white too, so it wasn't about excluding anyone based on race.

I ended up feeling so guilty that I changed my plans to invite his family, but I'm deeply troubled by his response and how quickly he turned a practical concern into a racial accusation. This isn't the first time he's done something like this - any discussion involving race tends to end badly.

I'm especially worried as we're expecting a child. What if our child had heard that comment?

Im also keen to hear from people in same race relationships, for Xmas if you were hosting at your home, do you also blend families - was it weird of me to say I didn't want to do that?

Whether you have or haven't what the hell do I do with this as feel really alone with this and could use some advice as I have no one I can talk to about this without judgement.

Lots of people have explained it! The comments are literally all still there.

I’ve seen threads where the OP ignored or disagreed with advice before, but I’ve genuinely never seen a thread where the OP straight up pretended half the comments didn’t exist. Are you gaslighting us or yourself?

You’ve read the entire Lundy Bancroft book that I just linked? That was speedy.

@ThatTealViewer I read the relate link

Is this part of the reason why your husband is so dismissive of you? You go round and round, asking the same questions even after they have been answered repeatedly. What answer are you waiting for exactly? He has given you a reason for why he said what he said. Other people have given you different reasons. None of it is going in. You're still asking why. Why do you think he said what he said?

But he tried to exclude your family for years and for some of the time you went along with it. Have you asked him why he's a hypocrite?

Or is he rewriting history to suit himself?

Just read all your updates and no feel so angry for you and your baby!! This is your parents. He absolutely should be caring and wanting to understand your perspective always. He also cannot just remove himself from any race issues!

I'm so angry for you

Great. I hope it was enlightening. Are you going to read the book?

@HollyKnight I really don't know. I guess I am going round and round hoping for more sympathetic answers instead of leave! He's a racist! Those comments rent helpful.

@WeightLossGoal2024 tonight he agreed it was racially insensitive and he's sorry.

His apology to me sounded like it was what he felt he had to do though. Maybe I'm asking too much but I'd like him to have explained why he felt it was wrong but that didn't happen.

He said I've been wrong for being passive aggressive for two days about this whole thing.

Even after a high and apology I've been off with him, mainly because I don't think he truly gets it and is truly sorry that's why and brining it up I get shut down.

This evening he said he is going to take a break for two weeks if this happens again where I drag something out because it's not healthy.

Is not being overly loving for two days unhealthy when you don't think something is resolved?

So, yes. You are repeatedly asking the same questions hoping that the answers will change, and ignoring the answers you don’t like. That is not a rational approach to solving a problem. You must realise that, surely?

The comments aren’t helpful if you ignore them, no. That’s rather how it works.

He won’t suddenly stop being an abusive racist misogynist (I am going to keep repeating that) because you ignore it, block up your ears and scream ‘la la la’. You need to stop sleep walking through your life. You’re a grown woman and soon to be someone’s mother, with kindness, pull yourself together and deal with this.

so you dear husband has now informed you that he is going to leave you for 2 weeks if you cause a row with him again ?

You are dismissing all the explanations because you don't like them. But that doesn't mean they aren't true. And asking him/MN the same thing over and over isn't going to get you a more palpable answer.

You don't correct people who think you've spent the past 8 Christmases with just his family (maybe because you think it will undermine your argument?) You've presented the situation here in a way that makes your husband sound like a bullying racist so of course people are going to tell you to leave him. They can only go on what you are telling them in the way you are telling it.

He gave you his reason for saying what he said. You don't like it because it says something negative about you. You keep hounding him because you want him to give you a different answer. But if he actually genuinely believes he was making a joke and that your decision to leave his family out is selfish he's not going to give you a different answer. He is just going to get more annoyed, blunt, and dismissive with you which people will continually to tell you is because he's abusive.

Maybe he is racist or maybe he is just fed up of a pattern of you misinterpreting him and beating him with it. Who knows. It's something you need to work through with a therapist. They are better trained at getting you to focus your thoughts, instead of this relentless circular spiraling you're putting yourself through. It's not good for you.

when he goes to work tomorrow, take a notepad and pen and reread this whole thread.
make notes on what we have said to you, look up any words you do not understand and write their meaning beside the comment that you have noted down

then read all the notes you have made

and hopefully you will understand what has been said / explained to you in 14 pages of your thread.

@HollyKnight you are right, I agree.

I am working through with therapist later this week I hope it helps

Sorry for making anyone repeat themselves, my intention wasn't to be awkward but this is an incredibly difficult situation and time for me

He doesn't get it because he can't. He isn't you. He isn't in your head. He hasn't lived your life. The most he can do is accept that this is how you interpreted his words and apologise for that. But your white husband is never going to truly understand what it is like to be a POC. He doesn't agree with you that he was being racist because he doesn't believe he was being.

You either have to accept that you have different opinions on this or you have to accept that your husband is racist. You aren't going to change his mind by going on and on at him. All that results in is a half-apology like the one you got.

I understand, OP, that it isn't easy to walk away from a marriage when you're pregnant. I think what people are trying to tell you is that he isn't likely to change.

I said that he doesn't respect you because he is so incredibly dismissive of your thoughts and feelings. Your perspective is irrelevant to him and he wants to shut you down as quickly as possible so that normal service can resume. He isn't engaging with your point of view at all because he isn't interested. He has only "apologised" because he wants you to move on and pretend that everything is OK again. The complaints about you dragging things out, and the threats to go away for a "break" if you dare to do it again are simply attempts to manipulate you into accepting his world view.

It doesn't sound like he is open to reflecting on his behaviour or changing his perspective. Why would he, when he is convinced that his take on the world is the only right one and when he refuses to even listen to what you're trying to tell him? So the question is what you're going to do about it.

Do you really want to live your life with someone who treats you like this? Who dismisses every thought and feeling that you might have if it doesn't suit his narrative? Is he going to do the same thing to your child? Honestly, I think he is unlikely to change so you have to decide whether you want to live with him as he is. Even if you get him to listen temporarily - for example, by telling him that you want to leave - I think he is likely to play along for a bit and then revert to type.

If you're not going to leave, then you need to start thinking about copi g strategies. You can't change him so how can you change yourself to minimise the impact that his behaviour has on you? How can you protect yourself and your child?

OP it is a difficult situation and a difficult time for you. I completely see that. I wanted my DH to be a sensitive, emotionally available, understanding man. He was no more capable of being any of those things, than I am turning into a cold, insensitive, purely logical woman. I can’t be what I can’t be. You DH is himself. This is how he is. You can beg him all you like to try see the bigger picture, to put himself in your shoes. He can’t. Well perhaps he can try, if he really wants to and really works at trying to change.

Race is a part of the difficulties. But his unwillingness to deal with compromise, to discuss feelings and perceptions without being defensive, dismissive or deciding the problem is resolved because he has decided it is , is quite another issue. He is in gaslighting terrorists here - your mental, your passive aggressive, he’s leaving for 2 weeks next time you feel unheard and want to talk things through because while he feels things are resolved and he’s said the right things, you don’t. He is calling the shots. This is going to be hard work. Don’t worry about upsetting your therapist. This should be their daily bread stuff. And talk to your family. Why don’t you want them to feel badly about your husband? He is behaving badly . If I was your parent I would want to listen and support you. If my DD told me her husband was treating her poorly, of course I’d not be happy. I’d try give her space and time if she felt she wanted it, to stay for a while while she thought things through. How do you think your DPs would react if you said you needed to talk to them?

I am one if the many posters who have identified your husband as a lazy, selfish, racist, abuser. I did that on the strength of your reports of what he habitually says and how he treats you. For your information I am the product of a happy marriage of 70 years, and have been very happily married myself for 30. I am also a licensed therapist in the US and have given couples therapy (although it isn’t my specialty).

Your situation is really bad but you don’t seem to know it. That is actually one of the warning signs that you are in a toxic relationship: you come out of fairly routine and minor disagreements with your husband feeling confused, shamed, attacked, misunderstood, silenced, and mor unhappy than when you started.

Your husband is work shy when it comes to your future child. He routinely attacks and demeans you verbally, accuses you of being irrational, drags in random “friends “ to give him a spurious authority, and threatens to escalate conflict by punishing you/leaving you for the crime of not giving in fast enough or cravenly enough for him.

This is completely improper behavior in what is supposed to be a love match. Do you think this is what love looks like? Brcause I don’t. Nothing should be too good for his pregnant wife. He should be eager to pitch in with his own child. He should be concerned about their experience as a mixed race child and eager to learn how to raise them successfully. He should be appreciative of all you have offered to do for his family and eager to return the favour.

He’s basically not much of a good human. I wouldn’t take him off your hands for any price. Why waste your life with someone sho doesn’t adore you? The world is hard enough without giving yourself to this wanker.

All of this

As someone in an interracial marriage with an often-defensive husband, let me break down what's happening for you:

He senses his family's discomfort around your family, your culture and your food. He's hoping you haven't noticed but in case you have, he's launching a pre-emptive strike that portrays you and your family as the problem, rather than his. If you ever point out his family's discomfort, he will accuse you of making everything about race. He will tell you that that's just how they are. This is 100% toxic.

But two things can be true at once.

Now, a question for you: how do you really feel about his family dynamic? Yours is younger, larger and less traditional- it sounds more fun and warmer. You are probably (understandably) more drawn to spending time with your family. Do you visibly have more fun with them than with his family? Are you less relaxed around his family? However you feel about his family dynamic, he has probably picked up on that too and likely feels hurt by it. He can't change his family and needs you to be a good sport. Not all the time. Just often enough that he realises you're on the same team. That might encourage him to make an effort to see things from your perspective too.

Problems like this tend to get worse once babies arrive so nip it in the bud while you can. Host a joint Christmas. It is a beautiful thing when two families from different cultures can come together, no matter how different you think they are. I could have written your post a few years ago (our families are very very different) but now our parents visit each other without us (and they live in different countries!).

Good luck! Your marriage will be fine! :)

This is not how good people treat their spouses OP.

He's trying everything he can to silence you.

He's spiteful to you to deliberately upset you when you disagree with him, then he lies about it, pretends it's a joke and gets annoyed at you for being upset.

He then gives a half-hearted apology, but also with more accusations that it was basically your fault and if you don't immediately crush your (valid) emotions he'll leave you for 2 weeks.

It's not right.

The difficulty is, OP knows it wasn't a joke. Her Husband knows it wasn't a joke.

Everyone knows the difference when someone says something spitefully to hurt them and when it's a joke.

Jokes aren't said angrily or spitefully.

I really don't think OP should just pretend to believe it was a joke when she knows it wasn't.

i agree with most of this. However, I am not sure that the marriage will be fine

Please listen to me op. He is trying to bully you into compliance and never challenging him. You must challenge this now. You need to say I am about to have our baby, this is a challenging and emotional time for a woman learning to look after a new baby while physically recovering from giving birth. I had expected to have your support during it, but here you are telling me you will leave if I am upset about something. I want you to leave now- take those two weeks. I won’t bring up a baby with the man who said that to me, I won’t have the world believe I’m supported as a new mum while my husband tells me if I’m unhappy I need to hide it. If this is you our marriage will not survive a new baby and I am far better off setting up my own home now so I have a plan to cope. If you won’t leave I will, I will move home for two weeks.

and do leave. Let him realise marriages are fragile, they die if you don’t care for them, and women giving birth need support not abuse.