To be Concerned about husband's reaction to Xmas planning making it about race

[anonymousxmasposter]

I'm a British Asian woman married to a white man, and I'm currently pregnant with our first child. I need some advice about a situation that's really bothering me.

I suggested hosting Christmas this year but separately for our families - mainly because of logistics. My family is quite large (10 people), younger (mostly teens and twenty-somethings), and celebrates with music, games, and a lively atmosphere. His family is small (4 people), much older (60s-80s), more traditional, and quieter. His father has dementia and hearing difficulties, which makes large gatherings challenging for him.

When I suggested hosting our families separately to make everyone more comfortable, my husband immediately accused me of wanting an "Asian-only Christmas where we just do our own Asian thing." I was shocked because it had nothing to do with race - I was thinking about space, comfort levels, and very different celebration styles. My sisters boyfriend is white too, so it wasn't about excluding anyone based on race.

I ended up feeling so guilty that I changed my plans to invite his family, but I'm deeply troubled by his response and how quickly he turned a practical concern into a racial accusation. This isn't the first time he's done something like this - any discussion involving race tends to end badly.

I'm especially worried as we're expecting a child. What if our child had heard that comment?

Im also keen to hear from people in same race relationships, for Xmas if you were hosting at your home, do you also blend families - was it weird of me to say I didn't want to do that?

Whether you have or haven't what the hell do I do with this as feel really alone with this and could use some advice as I have no one I can talk to about this without judgement.

Making spiteful, racist comments to your wife isn't a 'silly thing'.

Nor is the lying about that and pretending you were joking.

Not is him telling OP she's overreacting by being upset that he made a spiteful, racist comment.

It might be different if he was actually sorry and it was a one off, but OP says he's always like that and she can't bring things up with him unless she has evidence to back up what he's saying, otherwise he just railroads her.

I don't agree that they are racist.

I think the Christmas issue is that the OP doesn't want to blend or mix cultures or family. She wants to continue the tradition of spending Christmas with her family. It doesn't seem like she (or he) realises that by marrying and having a baby with her husband she has started a new family - OP, DH and baby. They are a family. Neither birth family takes priority over that anymore.

Pushing the OP into leaving her husband, or whatever it is people are doing here, is very short-sighted and will just result in her potentially spending half her Christmases without her own child. Whatever issues they have they need to work on together to avoid that.

Have you actually read OPs posts?

Her husband has insisted they spend previous Christmases with his family, not hers.

When he finally agreed to take turns, he then backed out and went to his family.

She isn't forcing a continued tradition as she's had to spend most of their Christmases together with his family.

It would be better to be alone than to be with someone who treats you badly and then tries to make out that it's your own fault.

I would have a different opinion if it was a one off and he was actually sorry.

Exactly this.

This is a disagreement which needs to be ironed out.
it does not need to end in divorce and have OP juggling life as a single parent spliting her time with her child.

Have a good communication and think about why you liked him.
Try to resolve it.

I still belive his behavior stems from the fact he is scared about letting his parents down. They are
Elderly and he is an only child.

That anxiety can lead to this behavior.
He needs to be open about this.

Even if you don't think it is racist, what about the rest of the behaviour?

Making a spiteful comment to upset OP, then pretending it was a joke and getting annoyed when OP got upset.

Making OP feel like she's walking on eggshells and can't have a voice?

Saying he won't ever talk with their joint child about race and that's OPs job.

Never allowing OP to discuss race.

You can't think that is ok?

I have anxiety.

It doesn't make people act spitefully to their spouses, lie about it and then get annoyed that their spouse was upset by the comment.

It seems like there are deep communication issues here. Ideally, these discussions would have happened before they decided to start a family, but now that they're expecting a mixed-race child, it’s important that they address them openly.
While he may currently avoid discussing race, this will be a part of his child's reality, and it’s something he’ll need to navigate as a parent. He may not feel equipped or may be anxious about handling potential discrimination his child could face, but learning to address these issues is essential.
It’s also worth considering the other pressures he may be under, such as being an only child with the responsibility of supporting elderly parents, which can be a significant emotional weight.
That said, poor communication doesn’t justify dismissing OP’s concerns or making her feel like she can't speak up. Instead of posters demonizing him or jumping to conclusions, it may help for OP to express her concerns and explore support options like counseling, where they can work on building a better understanding together.

Maybe you need to read the OP's posts.

we used to go on holiday when he was younger he cared much less about his parents. Then we went through faze of doing both on one day. HE got tired of that saying it's too much so we said we will rotate each year.

They used to go on holiday in the early days.
Then they used to visit both families on Christmas day.
Then recently they decided to rotate each year, but he changed his mind about leaving his parents on their own.
Since then they've gone separately to their own families.
Now this year OP wants to invite her family to their house and leave out his. She suggested he can go say hi to his family while she cooks the dinner for her family coming.

She has not spent the majority of Christmases with just his family at all.

These are reasons for his behavior but not excuses! She was taking his family’s concerns and preferences into account snd trying to satisfy everyone. He reacted spitefully and cruelly and then denied it without apologizing and derided her for being upset. THAT is the problem.

OP does not want his parents to celebrate with her family.
Op has implied his Christmas is boring,no music no games.
Everyone is old. There is only a few elderly people there.
His parents are elderly have dementia dont like her food....

It seems now she is pregnant she does not want this but the partner does want his family included.

But everything he says is cruel, spiteful and she being derailed.

This doesn’t sound like hosting them separately, it sounds like only your family are invited and his aren’t at all, unless you’re having them another day? If your family are invited for Christmas dinner this year and not his, does this mean when it’s baby’s first Christmas next year you’ll host only his family?

Some of his family could have another 30 years left, by which point the OP might have missed out on three decades' worth of "making memories" with her own family if she doesn't put her foot down.

How old are his parents ?

if he is having his first child with you ? then surely his parents are not actually that old ?

Wow that’s not an okay comment by him

I don't know if this is exactly about race, could it be more about culture? You mentioned about your dad probably wanting Indian food whereas his family probably want a roast.

Does he cook? Was he hoping you'd just get everyone together and do a big roast for everyone and sulking that that's not going to happen?

It seems like an overblown reaction on his part so wondering what's behind it.

Unless he's a bit racist in general? In which case that's a bigger issue.

If I were you I'd possibly have both sets of family on the day but maybe have some parts of the day that are quieter and some more fun times, if both sides of the family know plans for the day they could just be there for the bit that works for them?

I wonder how he'd feel if you suggested he cooks a roast at lunchtime and later on you'd cook some Indian food and everyone's welcome for whichever bit... Bet he'd change his tune if he was the one who had to make the effort!

You've got to nip this in the bud before baby is here. Sounds like you’re ignoring your own needs and pandering to him to avoid an argument. As a partum mum, baby’s first christmas will be wherever you feel most comfortable, especially if you’re breastfeeding. Don’t get into discussions about it if that’s stressful and leads to arguments- just tell him you’re spending it at home alone/ going to your parents’ house with baby and he is welcome to come.

I’m the ethnic minority in a mixed race couple. In our house/family unit, my culture comes first because everywhere else my children experience their white parent’s culture since we live in the UK and are culturally British. My husband accepts that balance and embraces our need to have strong social roots in my ethnic community since he is aware I’m fighting an uphill battle to try and preserve and pass on my culture and give the kids a strong sense of racial identity.

Your husband has married an ethnic minority and needs to take your lead on race and get comfortable quickly discussing race in a sensitive, understanding and open way. He sounds both ignorant, dismissive and arrogant which is not ideal and very hurtful when it comes to race.

He insists he was making a play on the song "White Christmas," claiming he never knew it was a racist song and swears he was just trying to be funny and clever with his wordplay, suggesting that I simply didn't get the joke.

Yesterday, he asked his white male friend for his opinion, who, unsurprisingly, said I was being ridiculous. Apparently, the friend "got the joke" immediately. The friend then suggested that perhaps I was offended because I thought I was being accused of being racist (which I wasn't - if I ever did something racist, which I don't, the last thing I'd do is get angry and defensive).

I asked him why he didn't consult a Black or Asian person for their perspective, suggesting that perhaps then he might understand how different it feels from the receiving end. I actually even think a white female would understand this over a white male. He responded with a look that implied I was being racist for even suggesting this.

He maintains that he never meant what I thought he did, so he feels it's finished now and we need to move on.

By the sound of it, there's nothing more I can do, and I just need to move on from this.

As the white parent of a mixed race child, I find it outrageous that he thinks he can just pass over any "race issues" for you to deal with as if it isn't his problem. The child will have two parents. He is being a total arse.

I also don't think he can just decide to shut down the discussion about his Christmas comments because he has decided that the matter is closed. Your feelings also matter!

I get that you won't want to walk away with a new baby due, but I would be insisting on some sort of couples counselling to try and work these issues through. His attitudes are unacceptable.

@MrsBennetsPoorNerves he maintains he was annoyed I was trying to exclude his family for Christmas.

I then try and explain his joke was coming from a place of frustration and upset so how can he maintain it wasn't hostile.

He says because he know it isn't so as far as he is concerned how he intended it is the important thing here!

Rather than discussing this with you maturely and trying to understand your pov, he's asked his mate who agrees with him and used the opinion of said mate to shut you down. Looks like your DH hasn't matured beyond the age of 9.

I understand that you feel you've done what you can with your DH regarding this Christmas - but these problems will come up again and again as this is about the beliefs and behaviours of your intractable DH.

@YellowRoom I 100% agree with you, but have no idea what else to do

The problems will.come up again and again
Birthdays, anniversary, Christmas , Easter.

Either suck it up or nip in the bud.
Counseling may help.

@Gummybear23 I have counselling alone